So we are finally there. Finally, after 3 years of pussyfooting, it's here. Oh boy, where do I begin?

Well, now that the gloves are off, we have become aware of 3 very important facts:

1) Hezbollah has lost its mind and decided to turn their weapons against the lebanese population.

2) Amal and the SSNP have vicious militias that are doing the work that Hezbollah doesn't want to be associated with.

3) The Sunni militia is a bunch of pansies, and Saad Al Harriri could never be his father.

I have been following the sataelite channels for the past 3 days, glued to my TV, watching what's going on with serious disbelief. I never thought that the Sunni neighborhoods would fall this quickly, nor that Hezbollah would control Beirut this easily. But here we are, and it all seems so…deliberate. Like M14 wanted this to happen. Like they wanted Hezbollah exposed. Their refusal to engage with the opposition fighters is making the latter look-and rightfully so- like thugs. Not to mention they are, once and for all, exposing to whom their allegiance falls: Our dear old friend Bisho!

Oh, and btw, Images of the Hezbollah occupation of Beirut is here!

The Satalite coverage of what's going is fantastic, depending on who you believe. Here is the rundown:

AlJazeerah: Anti-M14 coverage as usual. They are hosting way too many people who keep denying what we are seeing on TV. My Favorite was the SSNP guy denying that its his militia running around with guns and responsible for burning down the Almustaqbal TV station building, but nevertheless emphasized that those acts won't stop until, well, the M14 people bow down, lick the boots of the opposition and pledge to be their bitch at all times. Oh, and the footage of the Prince of Qatar and Bisho agreeing that what's happening in Lebanon is "an internal matter". Awwww, you guys. It's so cute when u r so obviously sticking it to the Saudis. So so cute!

AlArabiyah: The Saudis are FREAKING OUT. But before we get to them, can we please salute whomever put Rima Maktabi as their anchorwoman? She is so very very hot, and the pics I found of her online do not do her justice. She could read a food menu and I would still listen. HOT!! ANYWAY, so yeah, Saudis, freaking out, calling it the Hezbollah Coup and are complaining about how they were attacked and their tapes were destroyed. But the one thing that keeps annoying me is their tendencies to get saudis to comment on what's going on in Lebanon. And saudis in the gelbab and kefayah and everything. People u never heard of them before, and they have the title of "Mohamed whatever, political analyst". Who the fuck is that guy? Did Lebanon run out of political analysts al of a sudden, that u have to get a saudi guy? Dude, every lebanese is a political analyst. Stop being assholes and hire those guys. They need the work and could definitely use the money.

Press TV: The Iranian english news channel is awesome. They get this lebanese guy, this editor of a newspaper called "Al Intiqad"  ( which means 'the criticism', I wonder what's it all about!) who is squarely against the current government, and then have the token M14 guy talk for 6 seconds before cutting him off. They also like to bait the M14 guys and then cut them off the moment they get what they want. They once asked this M14 guy what are the external factors and forces that play in Lebanon, so he naturally started to mention Israel and the war first, and before he could say Syria, the moderator thanked him and went to the Intiqad guy and was like "So, with Israel next door Hezbollah has the right to have its weapons, no?", and then gave the Intiqad guy 10 minutes to respond. It was beautiful.

AlManar: OH MY GOD. I am in LOVEEEEEEEEEEE. This  channel is great. Ignore the reporting for a second, and watch the Propaganda segments. It's almost rude in the way it's direct. I also love the segments where they show that the vacated offices of the FPM had "weapons", never mind they are showing 2 handguns and an AK47, which is like the standard amount of guns inside any self-respecting Durzi guy's car and doesn't exactly constitute "an armed office of a militia". It's all bullshit, but that's the beauty of Hezbollah: they don't care that they are full of shit. They know they have a population that will eat it up regardless. Also, they have fantastic graphic work, reminds me of egyptian TV in the 80's. I mean come on guys, we know u r backwards and stupid, but surely you can do much better in the media production value department, no?

LBC: They were playing game shows. Seriously. And today, they had morning Aerobics.

"Egypt will not stand by as Iran takes over Beirut!"

Anonymous Source from the Egyptian Ministery of foreign affairs

"If Beirut falls, Riyadh falls, and Cairo falls"

Some Egyptian expert/analyst/whatever on AlArabiyah TV

Feel free to laugh.  Seriously. I am laughing my ass off. Oh yeah, Mubarak won't allow Iran to take over Beirut. Ok, was that the same way he didn't allow Iran to take over Iraq via Muqtada al Sadr, or the way Iran took over Gaza Via Hamas? And what are you gonna do tough guy? Send the army? Ha! You mean the one the people of Egypt begged you to send to fight the Israelis? So You are sending it now to fight those who fought the Israelis? Yeah, that will look good.

Dear Lebanese readers, don't count on arab countries for anything. Especially ours. Trust me, we are useless. And as for those of you who have been asking that Egypt does send troops, well, I do not recommend this at all. Mubarak is in charge people, and this guy never leaves a hole the moment his dick gets in it. Not recommended. Trust me on that one! 

Nasrallah says that the phone network is "the most important weapon for the resistance" , and here I thought it was all about stealing revenue from the government. 

Iran is blaming… you guessed it…Israel and the US! Hey, at least they are consistent!

Obama opened his mouth on the Lebanon situation yesterday and proved himself to be a jasckass. Here is what he said, plus the commentary of Abu Kais:

Hezbollah's power grab in Beirut has once more plunged
that city into violence and chaos. This effort to undermine Lebanon's
elected government needs to stop, and all those who have influence with
Hezbollah must press them to stand down immediately. It's time
to engage in diplomatic efforts to help build a new Lebanese consensus
that focuses on electoral reform, an end to the current corrupt
patronage system, and the development of the economy that provides for
a fair distribution of services, opportunities and employment.
We must support the implementation of UN Security Council Resolutions
that reinforce Lebanon's sovereignty, especially resolution 1701
banning the provision of arms to Hezbollah, which is violated by Iran
and Syria. As we push for this national consensus, we
should continue to support the democratically elected government of
Prime Minister Siniora, strengthen the Lebanese army, and insist on the
disarming of Hezbollah before it drags Lebanon into another unnecessary
war. As we do this, it is vital that the United States continues to
work with the international community and the private sector to rebuild
Lebanon and get its economy back on its feet.

Oh the
time we wasted by fighting Hizbullah all those years with rockets,
invasions of their homes and shutting down their media outlets. If only
we had engaged them and their masters in diplomacy, instead of just
sitting with them around discussion tables, welcoming them into our
parliament, and letting them veto cabinet decisions. If only Obama had
shared his wisdom with us before, back when he was rallying with some
of our former friends at pro-Palestinian rallies in Chicago. How stupid
we were when, instead of developing national consensus with them, we organized media campaigns against Israel on behalf of the impoverished people who voted for them.

During that time when we bought into the cause against Israel,
treating resistance fighters like our brothers, we really should have
been building consensus with them. Because what we did back
in 1982, 1993, 1996, 2000 and 2006 – all that was plain betrayal and
unnecessary antagonism, a product of a corrupt patronage system and unfair distribution of wealth.

We stand today regretting the wasted time that could have been wisely spent talking to them, to the Syrian occupiers who brought them into our system, and the Iranian revolutionary guards who trained them.

Yes, this is change we believe in. Get me a time machine.

As for Jeha, he hits it on the nail as usual:

Could someone tell that neophyte that he is not yet President of the United States? He will have plenty of chances to “engage” with Syria at our expense, when or if he becomes "President of these 57 states". We may be down, but we're not out yet…

Just spare us the hypocrisy for now

 Signed: A bitter Lebanese, still clinging to religion and guns

Even the Blacksmiths of Lebanon agree . It's kind of funny, but not a single M14 supporter I know is an Obamaniac. Hmmm… I wonder why!

Anyway, a new day is starting, and the latest I've heard is that the Druze militias have just killed like 7 Hezbollah guys when they tried venturing into their neighborhood. Hezbollah may have stretched his muscles over the sunnis, but he can't do it to the christians and the druze as well. Plus, they have now angred all the sunni forces in the region. Don't be surprised if assassinations of Shias start by groups claiming to be "AlQaida" in Lebanon. Hezbollah are warrioris, and if they are not fighting Israel they need to be fighting somebody, and their sociopathic behavior is now apparent to everybody. They may have taken over some parts of Beirut, but they have lost both their legitimacy and image. They are now fair game, and they surely don't lack enemies.

We are heading towards some really interesting days! 

Hezbollah and the Sunni Militias are clashing in Lebanon right now. Live reports from Lebanon here , pictures of the clashes here.

I have been gone for this past week, but I wasn't absent in any way. I was running around helping an Australian friend do a report on May 4^th. Here are glimpses of the days that passed by and the people that I met during.

Going to the Hesham Mubarak center is a head-trip. In front of its building there is a street market for groceries, there are 4 police soldiers always camping at the entrance, and there is no respectable sign at the door that says that this is the main legal center for the defense of human rights violations in Egypt, only one made out of cardboard and written on it with a sharpie. And the funniest thing about it is that it is managed in the most democratic of ways. Every year they have elections for the position of the Center's manager, and everyone can nominate him/herself and everyone from the previous manager to the officeboy has a vote. Oh, and no manager can run for more than two consecutive terms.

"I find that I have no choice but to support May 4^th, even if I disagree with it, because it's something that the youth are demanding and doing on their own and I am all for them trying to do something. Now, despite the fact that they are going at it the wrong way, I can't stop them, nor will they listen to me, because they are sick of hearing people telling them what they can or can't do. So I support them, cause if they succeeded, it's a good thing, and if they failed, they will gain experience."

Malek, Tuesday

On Wendsday we met with Abdel Monem, the Muslim Brotherhood Blogger and Khaled Hamza, the editor if www.Ikhwanweb.com at the house of the Media Coordinator for the Muslim Brotherhood. This is the setting that I walked into: We were greeted by the house owner, who had with him this young and tiny veiled girl named Sondos, who (of course) spoke English fluently and (naturally) was one of the higher-up editors of Ikhwanweb ( "See, not all veiled women are oppressed an at home, we have young ones who know English and are in managerial positions") and who hosted us in a very posh living room and served us Tea and Cake, with members of his family periodically coming out, dressed in western clothes come out and greet us very nicely. Those people know exactly how to handle the western media.

To be fair to them though, they have been extremely nice and hospitable to me, despite knowing my beliefs and stands on them, which is a cause enough to respect them. And despite the fact that I completely disagree with almost everything they stand for, they are getting their human rights violated in this country on daily basis, which any human being will tell you isn't right. And in case I was never clear on this before, I am for them having the right to form their own political party and run in elections. Firstly because it's everybody's right to have political representation and secondly because maybe that will be the jolt that will move the anti-Ikhwan crowd from their apathy and slumber. Maybe.

One thing though I am confused about, so Khaled if you are reading this, can you tell me why in the name of Zeus' Butthole was there a decorated Christmas tree- in May nonetheless- in the corner of the room with ornaments on them? And why did the ornaments have pictures of veiled girls plastered on them? Please, I would like to know.

" You know, the State Security people one day decided to give me a "humanitarian visit" to see my very sick father. So the night before my visit, a squadron of SS soldiers arrived at our building at midnight and occupied the building, and forced themselves on my parents' house and stayed there for 8 hours till I arrived at 8 am, in the name of securing the building, since you know, I am a dangerous visitor and all. When I found out I flipped out on the accompanying officer, asking him why would any decent human being do this, and of course there was no answer. My mother came out, gave me this look and said "Damn you" . That killed me. I think that messed me up more than all the time I've spent in prison."

Abdel Monem, Wendsday

Khaled: I spoke to your friends, Elijah and Issandr, about you. And you know, they both said that you are extreme.

Me: Well, of course they would say that. I am not surprised at all!

Khaled: Why? Is it because they are leftists?

Me: No. It's because they are foreigners here and their work warrants them to have a good relationship with you, and I am not sure that's possible with them publicly endorsing my views. Don't you think?

Thursday was the first of May, the Egyptian worker day. On that Glorious day the new Mubarak directives were released: A 30% increase in the wages of government employees as a solution to the current problem. Because, you know, the rising prices only affect government employees, and a 30% increase on their 30$ a month salary will really help improve their lives, and allow them to buy cars and houses and maybe save some money for Lil Mo's college fund. And the way he said it too, man, talk about classic: "They told me we will raise the workers 10%, I refused and said it has to be higher. They said ok, 20%, I said, NO, it has to be higher. They said we can make it 25%, but we really have no way to cover it under the current budget, I said NO, NOT A PENNY UNDER 30%". And this, ladies and gentlemen, how you know the mark of a great leader. A great leader doesn't care about the budget, the economy or reality, he only cares about the goal he set in his imagination despite what the actual circumstances may allow. All Hail Hosny.

Thursday was also the day we met Bilal, the kid that went up to the PM and demanded –to thunderous applause- that he release the April 6th detainees. He is very young, very skinny, with intelligence just poking out of his eyeballs. I didn't know that he was a member of the Ghad Party, hell, I didn't even know el Ghad party still had members. The interesting thing about him though, is that he is from the Post Ayman Nour generation: i.e. he joined after Nour went to Prison. That's a believer in a party and its ideals, not a leader and his charisma, which is a concept that is lost on the middle-east for some reason.

"Oh, my parents didn't think highly of what I did at all. I went home to find that my parents burned half of my books. However, after my mother talked to the neighbors, who surprised her with their messages of support to what I said and did, she changed her mind. She looked at me and said "Bilal, you know, you and your friends may perish for standing up to what you believe, but don't worry, Egypt will always remain Bilal!". So I looked at her and said "That's all very nice mom, but couldn't you have figured this out before burning my books?""

Bilal, Thursday

A state of uncertainty dominated the media scene on Friday, on whether or not anything was gonna happen on May 4^th. You see, it's kind of hard to predict the outcome of a strike that has no clear organizers or participants, with everything operating in a very anarchist manner. In order to combat such uncertainty and confusion, the media invented a new political entity that is behind all of that is happening. What did they call it? "The Facebook Youth movement", I kid you not. So now the Facebook Youth movement is the new political player in town, with newspapers running stories on how they are calling for this or demanding that, which is basically them making a story from any asshole creating a group calling for something on the Egypt network. This reminded me of when they started running stories on the new gods of politics, media and activism: "The Egyptian Blogger Movement". Remember that shit? When they used to run stories on how "The Egyptian bloggers called for this or organized that", like we are some sort of monolithic entity that actually agrees on everything and is organized and has goals and leadership. I kept asking every blogger I know to introduce me to the coordinator, the supreme leader or even the spokesman of "The Egyptian Bloggers", but they would be as stumped as I was.

My suggestion? We create a facebook group called "The leadership office of the Facebook Youth Movement" and I will be their spokesmen, and someone else can be their supreme leader. I am sure the Media will jump on us in 30 seconds, hosting us and asking us of our goals and demands and what we have in store next. Oh boy, I would mess with them for hours!

"Do I like this government? Of course. It's not a bad government at all. From the security side of things, they are great. They have some problems from the economical side of things, but really, who doesn't? Oh no, I find nothing to complain about when it comes to this government. They keep us safe and secure. God Bless them!"

A Taxi Driver, Friday

Saturday was the day we were slated to meet the Supreme leader of the Muslim Brotherhood, Mahdy Akef. It wasn't what I expected. His personal office is tiny, like literally smaller than my office, and he gives this image of this very kind and sweet old man, a total grandpa type. Since I was only the translator for my friend, I didn't ask any of the questions I wanted to ask. My personal impression of him, personally, is that he is a very smart and astute man, and his brain operates perfectly despite his old age. Oh and very polite. All freaking MB members are very very polite.

"Why are we joining this strike when we didn't join the last time? Well, we are joining because that's what the people asked us to do. There is a national demand for us to join, and we listen to the people, so we have to comply."

Mahdy Akef, Saturday

Later on that day I received an SMS from Sharqawy's fiancé. State Security has been tailing and harassing them for 3 days, and she needed him to hide somewhere until May 4^th is over, so she asked me. I've known this kid for more than 2 years now, and I can safely say that I've never seen him in the state he was in. He embodied controlled rage and weariness in a way that is impossible to describe. He told me that they refuse to leave him alone because he managed to identify the State Security Officer that tortured him at the police station, and mentioned that over the phone and now the Officer knows and is scared. So he is harassing him in every way he can, hoping that Sharqawy would have enough and flee the country.

"Those Motherfuckers. You know what they did? They blindfolded me and then took my wallet and looked in it. I could hear them naming the different types of ATM and credit cards I had in there. They then looked into the money pocket where I had about 6 K worth of dollars and Egyptian pounds on me, and then they loudly said ' you have 270 egyptian pounds in this wallet. Take it' and put it in my hand, but didn't return my wallet immediately, but did so later. I didn't figure out why until I came out. The wallet had a piece of paper that had my ATM pin code on it. That Bank account in my business account, and it had over 14 K in it. By the time I was out, the Balance was 0. All the money was withdrawn. And now I am out, I am broke, and owe people money. They are the scum of the earth."

Sharqawy, Sunday @ 2 am.

" Today is the Day Egypt was reborn!"

Al Ahram Newspaper headline on Sunday, marking the President's 80th Birthday! 

Sunday, well, you could read all about it here. So instead let me tell you this unfortunately 100 % true story:

Magdy Hussein- the leader of the Islamic Labor party- called Zakareya Azmy- The President's Chief of Staff and an MP- on the phone one week before the strike and told him that he is organizing a committee to run Egypt after the people's revolution will force Mubarak to abdicate on May 4^th and that if he wants a seat on it he is welcome to join them. Not a word was mentioned of Azmy's reply though, although it is widely believed that this was due to Aazmy being too busy rolling on the floor laughing his ass off to reply to Magdy.

Monday, ahh Monday.

Monday was the day the Egyptian press gloated over the failure of the strike, with many of them claiming that the 30% raise aborted it. Monday was also the first day that Mubarak announced that there is no way to finance the 30% raise. The parliament, that same day, passed measure to finance the raise, by raising the prices of car gas by 35 %, solar by 40% and the taxes on cigarettes by 20%. The ripple effect of those increases will fuck us of a lot of money for the entire year, and one has to openly wonder if a 30% raise for a segment of the population that is less than 10% warrants collective punishment for the entire population. Hell, now even the government employees are more screwed. The new prices were enforced starting from 10 pm. Under my house there is a gas station and at 11 pm, the fighting started. And it's just the beginning. The people, as usual, will turn on each other instead of the government, and life will suck for all of us all around.

The headline in RosealYusef, a government sponsored rag today 

"This guy I work with, while riding the Micobus with me, kept curisng Mubarak today. His government salary has increased by 37 pounds, but now the Microbus' fare has doubled, so now he has to pay extra 2 pounds a work day. If he works for 20 days a months, he is already worse off by 3 pounds. And what kills is that he raised the prices right after he announces the raise. This Mubarak guy, he has no tact!"

The Taxi Driver I rode with to work today. Oh, and by the way, the ride now costs 30 pounds, up from the standard 20. Increased Gas prices, baby!  

I do have to admire this government's cunning though. If people connect between the hikes and the government wage raises, not a single person will dare to support a strike or demand a higher wage again. And what a perfect excuse to implement price increases that you wanted to implement for ages then say it's a way to pay off the huge raise you gave the workers. And here we thought we were going to give him a Birthday he wouldn't forget on Sunday. Ha, he is the one who made the following Monday unforgettable. Thanks Mubarak for doing this to us on your birthday. What a way to make us celebrate it with you. Motherfucker!

Today is Mubarak's Birthday (Happy Mubarak Day, people!) and the day of the new strike. There are two new organizational developments that differentiate this strike from April 6th: The Mahalla workers said they wouldn't join, and the Muslim Brotherhood decided to join. The scale of it this time, however, seems smaller and unorganized, which is making many people believe that the MB is planning a surprise, because the last time, without them, succeeded. So if the one they choose to join fails. then they will look very bad. I will update this day as it goes:

Update: It's 2 am. There are news of people getting sporadically arrested in Mahalla. No confirmation on names so far. The Police seems paranoid. Ahmed Maher the facebook administrator for the protest group has been hiding for the past 2 days. So has Sharqawy.

Update: It's 10 am, things seem very normal. The traffic is normal and nothing is happening so far.

Update: It's 11:30. Mahalla is a ghost town, the police has threatened to shoot the people who demonstrate with live ammunition. 

Update: It's 1 am. A group of protesters have decided to start a protest at the Lawyer's syndicate as planned. There are around 50-100 demonstrators and about 1794374 policemen in plain clothes who are surrounding the protest.

Update: The Kefaya website (www.harakamasria.org) is now blocked in Egypt. No Journalist is allowed to enter the city of Mahalla.

Update: Reports of sporadic small demonstrations in Shubra. The police is rounding the streets behind them. We are still waiting for the MB surprise!

Update: Two were arrested in Jordan for trying to call for a similar strike!

Update: The BBC and Al Jazeera English both haven't been able to send their teams inside AlMahalla. Unconfirmed reports of the Police destroying satalite dishes and severing illegal internet cables.It's like they are daring the people to do something!

Update: This one seems like a failure. It's definitely not even close to the 6th of April strike. The NDP spokesman is gloating on BBC arabic right now!

Update: There are no calls on facebook for another strike on the first and 5th of June and the 25 of July. Fuck off you wankers. I will be at the beach! 

A lot of people have been asking me about this new presidential decree that was just issued to create the two new governorates of 6^th of October and Helwan, many outside of Egypt feeling mighty confused about it. I wish I could say that those in Egypt are less confused about it or get it, but, nope, we are all in the same boat here folks. Sorry.

The story, for those of you who are uninformed, goes as follows: The Capital of Egypt is called Cairo, which in reality is what is referred to as “Greater Cairo”, encompassing the governorates of both Cairo and Giza. Now, it doesn’t take a genius to tell you that greater Cairo is overpopulated, which has forced many of those who could afford it to move to the new suburbs- which we refer here as gated communities, because, like, they are surrounded by gates- which are either in the backdrop of Cairo in the Qatameyah and the Tagamo3 el Khames area, or in the backdrop of Giza in the 6^th of October area. The Qatameyah and the Tagamo3 areas were part of an area that they called “New Cairo” and if you drive on the Wahat road long enough in 6^th of October you would reach an area they call “New Giza”. So for those who own lands or houses there, the areas were viewed as logical extensions of both Cairo and Giza, and as the future of the capital.

That was, until Mubarak woke up from sleep last week and decided to create two new governorates, the governorate of 6^th of October and the governorate of Helwan, the first of which claimed the 6^th of October area as a separate entity from Giza, and the latter encompassing the new Cairo areas and the always-part of-Cairo-fancy neighborhood of Maadi. This decision was suddenly taken and without explanation, and thus throwing the entire country in Confusion.

Now, some of you may not understand why this is a big deal, and for you, dear readers, I shall elaborate. Let’s start with the easier of the two, the 6^th of October governorate. Now, the 6^th of October area has two main problems, the judiciary system (Niabat) and the Wahat area. The Judiciary system problem can be summarized in one sentence: In order to take the load of Cairo’s Niabat, the government moved the majority of their work and offices to the 6^th of October area several years ago. At first people complained, then people adjusted, and now since the 6^th of October is its own governorate, they are only hosting its own Niabat, and thus leaving the Cairo people unsure what to do. Not to mention, with the new governorate comes new car plates and registration and police offices, and all of those who moved to new communities there, now have to face the nightmare of changing and transferring all of their papers to fit this new change. Not exactly a fun time. And then you have the Wahat problem, which is 300 km north of the 6t of October area, but they still kinda belonged to it. With the new change, the government decided that Wahat is no longer a subsidiary to 6^th of October, but now part of the Menia Governorate, which is in freakin Upper Egypt and 700 km away from the Wahat area. So, if any of the Wahat people needed to like issue a passport or pay an outstanding ticket, they have to travel 700 km instead of 300 km like they used to. They naturally were not happy about that, and started protesting until the government decided to amend the decision and make them part of 6^th of October again, calming them down for now.

(And please, since we are on the topic of the governorate of 6^th of October, does anyone else seem to think that naming a governorate after that date, I don’t know, a little tacky? I mean, let’s ignore the fact that we didn’t actually win that freakin war, and pretend we did: how many times and different ways are we going to commemorate that one single “achievement” of ours? I mean, we have the 6^th of October bridge, the 6^th of October University, the 10^th of Ramadan city, the two freakin holidays and let’s not ignore the yearly celebrations: Do we have to also name a fuckin governorate after it? Tab mashy, ok, let’s let it slide, what the fuck do we call the people who reside there? Cairo residents are called cairenes, Alexandria residents are called Alexandrians, now what do we call the 6^th of October people? The 6^th octoberites? That’s like the Americans calling Massachusetts the “4^th of July”, and its people the 4^th of Julians. The running joke now a day is that the 6^th of October residents will not require paper ID’s, they will walk around with calendars.)

And now to the bigger clusterfuck: Helwan. Now Helwan is a culsterfuck mainly because it now encompasses Maadi, which is pissing the Maadi residents to no end. Imagine waking up everyday knowing you live in Cairo (the capital), to wake up one day to find out you live in Helwan (the freakin boonies). And the source of their anger, funnily enough, isn’t that they are no longer a part of Cairo, but because it was named the governorate of Helwan instead of the prettier and more glamorous governorate of Maadi, almost saying “Those damn peasants in the government. We spit on them. What do they know?” In the meantime, they are missing the funnier part of all this: The new American University in Cairo, alongside the German University in Cairo, are now both in Helwan, thus making the “Cairo” part of their name, well, kinda pretentious. But then again, those are the AUC and the GUC, major hubs of pretension, and no way will their thousands of dollars a year paying students accept going to the American University in Helwan. So I am guessing the name is staying. Same goes for the GUC, because even though they don’t meet the high standards (hehehehehehe) of AUC, they teach German there, so fuck off Helwan people. The C is here to stay.

Ignore those trivial issues for a second; we come to the most fun aspect of the Maadi clusterfuck: The supreme constitutional court is in Maadi, on the cornice of all places, thus placing it smack-dab in Helwan. Now, as one Judge pointed out in the newspapers, this is unconstitutional, since according to the constitution, the Supreme Constitutional Court HAS TO BE in Cairo. So, how did Mubarak solve this problem? Simple. He announced that the building of the court, and the area encompassing its fence, are officially part of Cairo, even though they are technically located in Helwan. So, if you step inside the building fence area, you are in Cairo, but if you step your foot from any area that surrounds the building, you are in Helwan. It’s kind of like an embassy of a foreign country, only in a very retarded sort of way. Did that make sense to you at all? Because, like, we are kind of confused over here. We could use the help.

So yeah, this is the fun situation we found ourselves in, and as you can tell, it wasn’t really well planned. Hell, it doesn’t seem to have been planned at all. But then again, we are Egyptians, and planning is for wussies- like the Americans and the rulers of Dubai- anyway. But not us, we are real men, and real men don’t plan or think, they act. And that’s the kind of leader our glorious president is, a guy who takes action, especially without thinking. God Bless you Sir, and the new governorates that you pooped on us one day.

I do have one request though, and it stems from my deep-seated hatred to Maadi and its haughty residents, who refuse to leave their fuckin neighborhood for anybody and insist on the rest of us traveling to their funless side of the tracks: Please please please place a nice big sign at the entrance of Maadi that says “The governorate of Helwan welcomes you!”. It will really add insult to injury, and twist the knife in deeper. That would be just sweet!

They might steal it in Kinshasa! How does one steal a Penis, you might ask? Well, witchcraft of course..

Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in
West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and
witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to
obtain blood or body parts still occur.

Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in
Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of
some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio
call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow
passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police,
claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their
genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was
an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.

Now, if the sorcerers can make their genitals shrink, why not reverse the spell and provide men with the service to have their genitals grow larger? Fuck that extortion shit, they would be billionares in a matter of weeks. Stupid Sorcerers. They never think big! 

The prison that hosts both the generals accused of facilitating Harriri's assassination and the Fatah Al Islam terrorists is having a riot, with the inmates taking several of the prison personell hostage. However…

Roumieh is Lebanon's main jail. The detainees there include four
former generals held in connection with the 2005 assassination of
former Prime Minister Rafik Hariri, and members of the al-Qaida-inspired Fatah Islam militant group.

The officials say the rioting is not near the generals or the Fatah Islam members.

Let's hope it stays that way. 

For example:

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:

I am a journalist for the U.S. publication Tiger Beat. When I
heard you would be taking Web questions, I was like OMG, I totes have
to write to him!!! Here are three questions we’re asking celebrities
this month:

1. If you could be any character on “Gossip Girl,” who would you be?

2. Who would be a better friend, Lauren on “The Hills” or Ashley Tisdale in “High School Musical”?

3. Who is hotter, Zac Efron or Joe Jonas? (LOL)

—Stacy in Manhattan

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:

May you and everyone at your magazine burn in Hell.

And  

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:

Does Al Qaeda ever endorse political candidates? If so, I recommend
that you give a big thumbs-up to Barack Obama. I guarantee you he hates
America as much as you do (if not more)! It would be great if you
appeared in a bunch of TV ads and called him “the evildoing President
that evildoers have been waiting for.”

—Bill in Chappaqua

Ayman al-Zawahiri writes:

Al Qaeda is only interested in American elections to the extent that
we can plunge them into abject chaos. So this year, as in every other
year, we are supporting Ralph Nader.

 Brilliant!

Well, do you think GMT should be replaced with Mecca Mean Time?

Yeah, didn't think so!

A Tunisian family is suing a 30 year old man for "raping their 20 year old daughter through phone sex". It seems that while they were having phone sex, the girl kinda punctured her hymen. The argument is that the two of them had sexual relations, even through the phone, that led to the girl's loss of hymen. How that is rape, given that the girl did it to herself, I have no idea. But what do I know? But if it works and they convict the guy, await paternity suits for children conceived through cyber sex. 

MY HEAD IS EXPLODING!

One Million Signatures Campaign

Support Women's Demands for a New Law Against Sexual Harassment

ECWR’s
One Million Signatures Campaign for a law protecting women from sexual
harassment is part of our broader Campaign Against Sexual Harassment:
Making our Street Safer for Everyone, which began in 2005 in response
to complaints from Egyptian and foreign women exposed to sexual
harassment in Egypt’s streets. Please join us to protect your mother,
sister, wife, daughter and yourself.

To join you can
1. Email ecwr@link.net with your name, job and email address
2. Follow the link and sign the petition online http://petitions.ensan.net/showpetition.php?petition=32 or
3. Print out the petition, distribute it to all your friends and family, then send it back to ECWR.

Join the facebook group! http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=8634989990

Ayamn Al Zawahry comes in the defense of the Jewish state , and he is blaming the conspiracy talk on Iran and Hezbollah. Imagine that!

Osama bin Laden's chief deputy on Tuesday denied a theory that Israel carried out the Sept. 11 attacks and blamed Iran and Shiite Hezbollah for spreading the idea to discredit the Sunni al-Qaida's strike against the U.S.

[..]

One of the questioners asked about the theory that has circulated in
the Middle East and elsewhere that Israel was behind the 2001 attacks
on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

Al-Zawahri accused Hezbollah's Al-Manar television of starting the rumor.

"The purpose of this lie is clear — (to suggest) that there are no
heroes among the Sunnis who can hurt America as no else did in history.
Iranian media snapped up this lie and repeated it," he said.

"Iran's aim here is also clear — to cover up its involvement with America in invading the homes of Muslims in Afghanistan and Iraq," he said.

Those damn Iranians! 

For Watchmen fans only!

A Cairo University Student faces off PM Nazif, and gets arrested for only half an hour after doing that. He didn't go to jail, didn;t get analy raped and nor was his entire family rounded up and sent to jail. Life's little victories, indeed!

An entire blog dedicated to it! I should add one!

…we are just plain ole politically ignorant!

How they do it, though, I have noooo idea! 

Prepared to be awed by his fallen art and try not to shake ur booty to the asphalt tango.

The biggest piece of news in AP right now is that Carter managed to get a concession from Hamas regarding co-existence with Israel:

Carter relayed the message in a speech in Jerusalem after meeting last week with top Hamas leaders in Syria.
It capped a nine-day visit to the Mideast aimed at breaking the
deadlock between Israel and Hamas militants who rule the Gaza Strip.

Hamas leaders "said that they would accept a Palestinian state on
the 1967 borders" and they would "accept the right of Israel to live as
a neighbor next door in peace," Carter said.

But you don't get to know what they really agreed on until the middle of the piece..

Carter said Hamas promised it wouldn't undermine Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas'
efforts to reach a peace deal with Israel, as long as the Palestinian
people approved it in a referendum. In such a scenario, he said Hamas
would not oppose a Palestinian state in the West Bank and Gaza.

However…

Hamas spokesman
Sami Abu Zuhri in Gaza said Hamas' readiness to put a peace deal to a
referendum "does not mean that Hamas is going to accept the result of
the referendum."

Yeah. Okay then! Nevermind!

Read this!