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Sunday, 9 Jul 2006
(Me and S. Today)
S: Why is it that whenever one of our co-workers implores you to do something islamic "so you can go to heaven", you tell them that you don't want to go to heaven?
Me: Well, because I mean it. I have no interest what so ever in entering islamic heaven. It's not like they would let me in either.
S: Yeah, well, we both know you will never enter Heaven and that God will never allow it. But that's not the issue. You really don't want to go to Heaven. Why? Why don't you want to go to heaven?
Me:You don't want to have this conversation!
S: Why not?
Me: Cause it will depress you!
S: (laughs) I am a big boy Sam, I think I can handle it.
Me: Fine, you really want to know?
S: Yes!
Me: Ok, but don't come complaining to me later when..
S: Will you stop being a drama queen and tell me already?
Me: Fine. What do we- men- get as our reward when we go to heaven?
S: 72 virgins.
Me: Exactly. Now, have you ever had sex with a virgin? Not the most pleasant experience now is it? I mean, 72 virgins sounds good to anyone who never had sex with a virgin, but for someone who did? Eww.There is blood and unpleasentness. And you have to do it 72 times. And you know, that's not even the bad part!
S: There is a bad part? What's the bad part?
Me: The next day they get re-virginized again.
S: What?
Me: Yep. The next day, as God's gift to you, cause you know there is no better gift than a virgin, all those women you de-virginized? They become virgins all over again.
S: Oh God.
Me: And that's not even the worse part!
S: There is something worse?
Me: Ohh yeah. In Heaven, also part of god's Gift package, you never ejaculate. You stay hard..FOREVER.
S: What?
Me: Yes, you never get to orgasm, no matter how long or how hard you have sex.
S: Whoa.
Me: Now, not only do you get 72 virgins that you have to deflower, who get re-virginized the very next day mind you, you can't ever orgasm, no matter how much you have sex. Now, does that sound like Heaven to you?
S: No!
Me: See my point?
S: Yes. Damn. Now I am depressed.
Me: Told ya!
S: So wait, if that's what we get, what do the women get?
Me: Ha, the eternal question. They get to not go to Hell.
S: Huh?
Me: Well, as you know, and as the prophet said, the majority of Hell's dwellers are women, since you know, they are the sisters of the devil. So the ones that end up in Heaven, are just lucky to be there.
S: No, I know that. What I meant was: We get the 72 virgins, what kind of reward do they get in Heaven?
Me: They get to sleep with us!
S: Ouch!
Me: I know!
July 9th, 2006 at 10:11 am
Right….and Sandmonkey is the expert here on heaven and its qualities. Who is this S idiot who just takes all this crap and runs with it?
Man, you people need to get a life.
July 9th, 2006 at 10:17 am
Hal, I will send you the ahadith that support everything that I mentioned here! Ok?
July 9th, 2006 at 10:18 am
Hal, take it easy - after all, most sane people have long since realized that there is no heaven, and, likewise, no god. The sooner everyone recognizes this fact, the sooner we will see a stop to suicide bombings and other horrible acts in the name of god, no matter which one is prayed to…! :o)
July 9th, 2006 at 11:21 am
Too funny
July 9th, 2006 at 11:34 am
Adam, I guess I must be insane then, because despite all my education and openmindedness, I still very much beleive there is a God and that there IS a heaven, and I was more into the idea that the insanity is the isiots who believe suicide bombings and terrorism and corruption are religious acts in the name of God. I must be way off mark then, huh?
July 9th, 2006 at 11:34 am
hey, is it possible for someone to send me the hadith that proves this? I’m writing a paper on a related subject and would appreciate having that as an extra source.
thanks in advance.
July 9th, 2006 at 11:46 am
You forgot the wine!! Plenty of wine in Heaven. Lots and lots of it. I heard that wine flows like river. A friend also told me that it’s a never ending river of wine
That’s why I want to go to Heaven. The wine
July 9th, 2006 at 11:58 am
Karim, send me an e-mail and I wills end them to you privately. I have no interest in turning this comment section into a “theology debate” over the meaning and merit of each hadith. This is suppsoed to be a lighthearted post and all.
Herlcok, rivers of alcohol dude. all kinds. I am looking forward to the tequila one!
July 9th, 2006 at 12:36 pm
i just wanted to leave a comment before this post gets burried under hundereds of replies saying that you are an infidel and screaming for your head.
i’ve been a regular reader of your blog for a while now and i think you are generaly a smart person, the question is how stupid do you think god is, i’ve thinking about heaven for a long time now, wondering how god would make it pleasent for each and every one of us, and being a scientific person by nature i analyzed it as a mathematical problem.
->First we have our givens:
1-God is fair.
2-Heaven is for good people of all sorts and tastes, comming from all different backgrounds and eras.
3-Heaven is the best experience any human being can have.
4-God designed us.
->Then the Observations:
1-People vary greatly.
2-An arab knight wouldn’t enjoy what we consider the joys of life.
3-When God wants to punish you here on earth He comes up with the most creative ways to do so, a creative way thats tailored especificaly to make your life a living hell.
->Finaly the conclusion:
-for god to make heaven suitable for everybody he has two ways to do so, either change everybodies personality and “joys of life” to match those of heaven’s, and thats not hard, but its not fair, and since God is fair we rule this solution out.
-The other solution would be making heaven suiting to each and every person’s desires, if your joy of life is having sex with a 60 years old, you’ve got that, if its all about having virgins you get that as well, whatever you want you get there, it’s especialy tailored for each person’s taste….
July 9th, 2006 at 12:48 pm
I do not want to go to heaven, myself. I mean, what’s so great about heaven? If only those who live a boring and staid life go to heaven, then they will be the ones populating heaven. Talk about horrible! Having to listen to those noobs for eternity!
My saying is “I would rather spend an eternity in hell than one more second listening to you.”
July 9th, 2006 at 1:04 pm
I like it …
““I would rather spend an eternity in hell than one more second listening to you.””
I hope I may quote you.
See you there
July 9th, 2006 at 2:18 pm
Anon at 1:04 pm:
I keep thinking I should get t-shirts printed, saying that one.
July 9th, 2006 at 6:03 pm
Hal,
Right….and Sandmonkey is the expert here on heaven
I thought he was claiming to be an expert on Hymen, not Heaven
Anon,
after all, most sane people have long since realized that there is no heaven, and, likewise, no god.
Really? You think it’s “sane” for a human being to presume he knows the meaning of life? What happens after death? How (and why) it all started? Etcetera?
I wouldn’t call such a person “sane” at all. Even Albert Einstein said that his studies pointed towards the existance of a grand plan of some sort. You’re smarter (and saner) than Albert Einstein?
July 9th, 2006 at 6:44 pm
Einstein was a genie in matter of mathematics, but might have been a naive person in others !
so it is with great artists too , no one can be an encyclopedist in all the matters
as far heaven, I think it is in nature, if we take time to look at it and look afterit
July 9th, 2006 at 6:58 pm
Someone has once likened a human life to the flight of a bird through a crowded room: we fly in from the darkness, move swiftly and pointlessly to the window and exit back into the darkness.
There is no plan. Only Tao. So says the Raccoon on the authority of Discordia
July 9th, 2006 at 7:43 pm
but the spirits stay in memories, of stone, of water , of clay… of animals and humans !
July 9th, 2006 at 10:26 pm
Nomad -
Yes, there is some sort of semi-demi-preservation of some of your aspects in the form of your works and the things you have influenced. Moreover, since you’re information, you cannot be destroyed - you can only metamorph into forms which cannot be comprehended with our information-reading equipment (see human body).
But to think thusly is to ignore the recent advances in physics and ancient advances in philosophy. Namely - time is not linear. Space is not what it seems to be. All is corellated, and in ways is one; in other ways, nothing exists. I am you and you are SM and he is the old Dragon that used to dwell in my parents’ house.
As I said - there is only Tao. The rest is the spreading cloak of Mara; an illusion brought about by the perceived duality of existence and non-existence.
And, of course, Eris is Tao and Tao is my laptop
July 10th, 2006 at 12:41 am
Sounds like you haven’t had too many virgins yourself to come up with that story.
July 10th, 2006 at 1:42 am
heard that one before.. Robin Williams HBO special !
did you run out of jokes or did you stop writing your own materials ?
anyways, as hal said.. I wouldn’t actually care for anyone who wants to take this crap for granted.. neither do I have the time for a debate.. but anyways .. check this page and the links in it :
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-Ask_Scholar/FatwaE/FatwaE&cid=1119503545194
p.s; enta mesh 7atbattal takol 3eesh 3ala 2afa ay 7aga keda we khalas ?… asl keda ba2a zaha2 neeeeeeek !
July 10th, 2006 at 2:54 am
[...] Just read this Sandmonkey post about why he, a Muslim, doesn’t want to go to the Islam version of heaven. Neither the women nor the men will have the paradise they expected. [...]
July 10th, 2006 at 2:56 am
“I wouldn’t call such a person “sane” at all. Even Albert Einstein said that his studies pointed towards the existance of a grand plan of some sort. You’re smarter (and saner) than Albert Einstein?”
But Craig, don’t you know that atheists are of vastly superior intelligence to us “religionist” twits? Elitism comes in many forms…
Of course, atheism never produces monsters. Neither Hitler nor Stalin ever existed, apparently, and Castro is a figment of my imagination!
July 10th, 2006 at 3:16 am
it’s either one of two things:
1- these conversations you keep posting are FAKE, or at least heavily modified.
2- or you choose conversations between you and assholes.
July 10th, 2006 at 3:21 am
THE 72 VIRGINS MYTH!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU know guys i’ve been muslim all my life and only knew about this 72 virgins thing lately when stupid poeople made it the goal of all muslims.
I don’t know if it’s authentic or know- I will research that- but if it is , it’s not the whole deal, it’s something you get in heaven if you want to.
Heaven is characterized by eternal peace and happiness, that’s the major features of it.
and if you don’t want that they you do ur duties as a muslim to avoid hell fires, because there’s no third place, it’s only hell or heaven up there.
July 10th, 2006 at 3:32 am
Thanks SM. I totally agree with you that the vision of heaven spouted by some Muslims sounds more like a version of hell to me.
Remember the Bill Murry film “Groundhod Day”? The 72 virgins per day is nothing but a Sisyphean (challenge(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sisyphus#.22Sisyphean_task.22_or_.22Sisyphean_challenge.22)
That will result in maddening frustration.
You are right. Loosing one’s virginity is often a forgettable, uncomfortable, and sometimes downright unpleasant experience. It is one that I would not care to have to repeat.
On the other hand, there is nothing better than making love a woman who you know how to please and knows how to please you. That is heaven.
The concept of having a reward of virgins to de-flower is an immature and pubesic fantasy. It says so much about the emotional immaturity of the those who it appeals to. They seems to have about the same mental abilities of Beavis & Butthead.
July 10th, 2006 at 8:09 am
Speaking the virgins in heaven waiting for marters (sp?)… check this out.
http://www.oldwardogs.us/2006/07/dont_you_just_l.html
ha ha… love it.
July 10th, 2006 at 11:06 am
What a great reason to not believe in God. Some nutters who do are extremist terrorist. Brilliant logic.
July 10th, 2006 at 9:43 pm
Ron,
Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh…
You said pube. Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh!
Mustafa,
Don’t you know only stupid and violent people believe in God? Atheists are people of peace. After all, if you don’t believe in God, then there is nothing to wage jihad about. Oh, and well, no higher moral authority, no intrinsic value to human life … hmm…
July 10th, 2006 at 11:55 pm
Deathway : no violent athiests ?.. so guevara was waging jihad after all ?!.. hmmm.. that explains the beard then !
July 11th, 2006 at 2:03 am
dude, you’re giving the wrong idea about islam. thought you knew better.
and please post the hadiths that support what you have said.
July 11th, 2006 at 2:20 am
If heaven is full of pious Muslim/Christian/Jewish assholes than I’ll take hell thank you.
July 11th, 2006 at 5:45 am
Deathway: Oh yeah. Atheists don’t get involved in wars or kill people. There all pacifists. You know, like: Stalin, Lenin, Mao, Pol Pot, Castro, Kim Jung-Il, etc.
July 11th, 2006 at 5:47 am
Oops, They’re all pacifists . .
July 11th, 2006 at 5:11 pm
…But to think thusly is to ignore the recent advances in physics and ancient advances in philosophy. Namely - time is not linear. Space is not what it seems to be. All is corellated, and in ways is one; in other ways, nothing exists. I am you and you are …
I surlely had a perception of that, but it is too soon to make it clear, we need more progress in science
July 18th, 2006 at 12:31 pm
Hmm…now the Norse knew how to enjoy themselves in the afterlife…Valhalla…..so lots of food, drink…and presumably women…
July 14th, 2008 at 2:42 am
The fact that there are so many muslims that deny many things in the Koran and Hadiths does not surprise me. Mo told his followers to be deceptive……..to lie to the infidels. It’s what he done himself in Mecca. He preached peace tolerance love etc……then went to Medina and built up an army and came back and conquered Mecca. This is how muslims operate. They present a false view of Islam to unbelievers until they build up the numbers and strength to crush them and dominate them.
The other thing is that Mo said…….whenever we (Allah and he) give instructions that controdict previous instructions……they old is overwritten with the new (better) one……making the old one obsolete. This rule wipes out and renders practically all of the peaceful versus in the Koran and replaces them with the voilent later ones.
For those that think I’m full of it……I’ve studied the Koran for years and the history of Islam. There are two types of Muslims…….ignorant ones that know little about their own religion and think its about peace and tolerance and nice things like that and the other type that know the truth and lie about it . sorry……there is a 3rd type……the ones that know and tell the truth……..they are the Jihadists Islamists and are the true blue followers of Islam in the true tradition.
For those of you that want to say I’m wrong……which group do you belong too……ignorant……liars……..I wont hear from the third group because they know I’m right and are honest enough to admit it.
You want me to post copies of versus and hadiths to prove it………go look it up yourself. I cant be bothered trying to prove facts to morons.
Stu