People who know me personally know that I have one of the wildest imaginations ever. I could, set off by the smallest thing, go off on wild tangents and entertain all sorts of possibilities and problems that don't actually exist. Yesterday I went off on such a similar tangent, set off by the idea of Oldies radio stations. I started thinking about how 20, 30 or 40 years down the line, my generation will have it's own oldies station, that's going to play "our classics". To give you a glimpse of that terrifying world, it's going to be one where The BodyGuard and Titanic are the romantic equivelant of Casablanca and A love Affair. Scary, huh?
But the world of cinema aside, I have to say that I was getting a huge smile thinking of the kind of stuff I will be playing on my car radio when I am 60. We will be 60's year olds headbnaging to Metallica or grooving to Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg while driving our cars. That's going to be insane. And we will have little grandkids who will be bitching about our oldfashioned and slow taste in Music, and I will be like " Shut your mouth boy. That's Sean Paul you are listening to. The first time I saw your grandma she was dancing to this song. She was out there, freakin her lil booty out to "Get Busy" when I thought to myself, 'that's the bi..woman I am gonna marry' and that's why you are here". And he will grumble and I will raise the volume in return. It will be great. I wasn't hating the diea of getting old all of a sudden.
And then I started listening to today's radio..and it ruined everything!
I don't know if you have been paying attention to the crap they play on Top 40 Radio lately, but I have, and I have to say I am not amused. It's some awful shit. It's so awful I am starting to worry about how upset I am going to get when one of those shitty ass songs finds its way to my oldies station 40 years from now. Then the thought started to depress me (Yes, I was getting depressed over the possibility that a song of the ones currently getting played might find itself on my oldies radio station 40 years from now. Which part of "I go off on tangents" don't you understand?). So I figured I better vent on this blog and mention the top 5 shittiest songs currently on radio, and hopefully somehow this will reach the artists and they will recognize the damage they are inflicting on all of us, grow a conscience and maybe kill themselves. It's a long shot, I know, but I have to try. This stuff is truly awful. And if you don't believe me, here they are, the 5 shittiest songs on the radio, and you can make up your own mind.
5) Gwen Stefani- Wind It Up!
Nevermind that the video shows that Gwen is no longer a casual drug abuser, this song actually ruins the tune from the Sound of Music. She actually sampled the tune from the Sound of Music and made this horrific excuse of a song which included her yodeling. Yodeling. I can forgive Gwen for selling out and becoming a pop princess and shit, but when you mess with the sound of music to make a song that has horrific beat and lyrics, well, you should just die.
As if the damage Fergie caused on our collective ears with her Black Eyed Pea's song " My humps", where she calls her humps "her lovely lady lumps", wasn't enough, the woman went ahead and made a solo album, with the songs all about her and how awesome she is. She even made a song that coined a word stating how cool she is: "Fergalicious"! Cause, you see, she is Fergie, and she is delicious apparently. And she calls her body vicious. Lady, the only thing vicious is your face. Have you looked at it lately? Better not get close to any heat source, otehrwise that plastic might melt. Jeez.
3) Pussycat Dolls- Buttons
Oh, now we are talking: Ldies and gentleman, let me introduce you to the new role models of female empowerment, the 5 high priestesses of the church of Skank: The Pussycat Dolls. Those lovely ladies are totally in touch with their inner-sluts and always "Think Hoe". God knows I would be their greatest fan if they just stayed in stripclubs where they belong. Now back to the song. Okay, actually, it really doesn't matter which PussycatDolls song you put on, cause they are all the same. They want you to know that they are sexy, and always have sex on their mind, cause, like, they are hot. This song, for example, is a 5 minute ode to a guy who won't unbotton their cloths, even though they are hot and ready for him to do so. This song confuses me, cause I see their videos and they never seem to have any problems with taking anything off. Maybe they are having problems figuring out buttons. Hmm…
2) Carrie Underwood- Before he cheats
We then come to this lil country-pop gem, brought to you by one of the winners of the monstrosity called American Idol: Carrie Underwood. This song tells the wholesome tale of a girl who find out that her man is cheating on her, so she totally destroys his car. Like totally destroys it. And she justifies it as a lesson for him to think about next time before he cheats on anyone. Cause, you know, if someone cheats on you, you have every right in the world to destroy thousands of dollars worth of their private property. Ehh, unless you are a man who finds out that his woman cheats on him, then you are not suppsoed to do anything but break up with her and get over it. Cause damaging her car, for example, would brand you as a PSYCHO, and that's not cool. Not when it comes to women though. You see, in this society, a woman acting psycho after finding out that her man cheated on her, including doing any kind of damage to things he owns, is perfectly acceptable and expected. Hell, it's one of women's new rights. And it's cool too. #1 hit on the charts cool. Get that, Mr. cheating bad man?
1) Akon-Smack that!
Finally, saving the worst for last. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you the lyrical masterpiece of Akon's latest hit " Smack that". Oh how I wish I was a fly on the wall the day he presented this song to his label as his new "hit single". To give you an idea of what I mean, let me write the chorus for you:
"Smack that…right on the floor
Smack that…give me some more
Smack that…till you get sore
Smack that…OH OH OH OH"
He actually wrote the "OH OH OH OH" as part of the lyrics. Picture that. The song wouldn't work without the "Oh oh oh oh". So, he wrote, "Oh Oh Oh Oh". And that's the chorus of this winter's hottest club song. Your daughter has this on her playlist. How do ya like that IPOD you gave her for Christmass now?
See what I am talking about? Are you finally getting the full picture of the horrowing future awaiting me while listening to the Oldies station? Now I am not gonna listen to that thing at all, fearing that one of this stinkbombs will find its way through and I will be forced to listen to …wait a minute. I can just listen to the hardrock oldies station. Yes, only Metallica, Guns'n'roses, Nirvana and Tool. And those songs will never play because they are all pop songs. Sweet. Problem solved. Phew…
But what if they played a song by Creed or Nickelback on there?