The sweet sound of silence

People who know me personally know that I have one of the wildest imaginations ever. I could, set off by the smallest thing, go off on wild tangents and entertain all sorts of possibilities and problems that don't actually exist. Yesterday I went off on such a similar tangent, set off by the idea of Oldies radio stations. I started thinking about how 20, 30 or 40 years down the line, my generation will have it's own oldies station, that's going to play "our classics". To give you a glimpse of that terrifying world, it's going to be one where The BodyGuard and Titanic are the romantic equivelant of Casablanca and A love Affair. Scary, huh?

But the world of cinema aside, I have to say that I was getting a huge smile thinking of the kind of stuff I will be playing on my car radio when I am 60. We will be 60's year olds headbnaging to Metallica or grooving to Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg while driving our cars. That's going to be insane. And we will have little grandkids who will be bitching about our oldfashioned and slow taste in Music, and I will be like " Shut your mouth boy. That's Sean Paul you are listening to. The first time I saw your grandma she was dancing to this song. She was out there, freakin her lil booty out to "Get Busy" when I thought to myself, 'that's the bi..woman I am gonna marry' and that's why you are here". And he will grumble and I will raise the volume in return. It will be great. I wasn't hating the diea of getting old all of a sudden.

And then I started listening to today's radio..and it ruined everything!

I don't know if you have been paying attention to the crap they play on Top 40 Radio lately, but I have, and I have to say I am not amused. It's some awful shit. It's so awful I am starting to worry about how upset I am going to get when one of those shitty ass songs finds its way to my oldies station 40 years from now. Then the thought started to depress me (Yes, I was getting depressed over the possibility that a song of the ones currently getting played might find itself on my oldies radio station 40 years from now. Which part of "I go off on tangents" don't you understand?). So I figured I better vent on this blog and mention the top 5 shittiest songs currently on radio, and hopefully somehow this will reach the artists and they will recognize the damage they are inflicting on all of us, grow a conscience and maybe kill themselves. It's a long shot, I know, but I have to try. This stuff is truly awful. And if you don't believe me, here they are, the 5 shittiest songs on the radio, and you can make up your own mind.

5) Gwen Stefani- Wind It Up!

Nevermind that the video shows that Gwen is no longer a casual drug abuser, this song actually ruins the tune from the Sound of Music. She actually sampled the tune from the Sound of Music and made this horrific excuse of a song which included her yodeling. Yodeling. I can forgive Gwen for selling out and becoming a pop princess and shit, but when you mess with the sound of music to make a song that has horrific beat and lyrics, well, you should just die.

4) Fergie-Fergalicious

As if the damage Fergie caused on our collective ears with her Black Eyed Pea's song " My humps", where she calls her humps "her lovely lady lumps", wasn't enough, the woman went ahead and made a solo album, with the songs all about her and how awesome she is. She even made a song that coined a word stating how cool she is: "Fergalicious"! Cause, you see, she is Fergie, and she is delicious apparently. And she calls her body vicious. Lady, the only thing vicious is your face. Have you looked at it lately? Better not get close to any heat source, otehrwise that plastic might melt. Jeez.

3) Pussycat Dolls- Buttons

Oh, now we are talking: Ldies and gentleman, let me introduce you to the new role models of female empowerment, the 5 high priestesses of the church of Skank: The Pussycat Dolls. Those lovely ladies are totally in touch with their inner-sluts and always "Think Hoe". God knows I would be their greatest fan if they just stayed in stripclubs where they belong. Now back to the song. Okay, actually, it really doesn't matter which PussycatDolls song you put on, cause they are all the same. They want you to know that they are sexy, and always have sex on their mind, cause, like, they are hot. This song, for example, is a 5 minute ode to a guy who won't unbotton their cloths, even though they are hot and ready for him to do so. This song confuses me, cause I see their videos and they never seem to have any problems with taking anything off. Maybe they are having problems figuring out buttons. Hmm…

2) Carrie Underwood- Before he cheats

We then come to this lil country-pop gem, brought to you by one of the winners of the monstrosity called American Idol: Carrie Underwood. This song tells the wholesome tale of a girl who find out that her man is cheating on her, so she totally destroys his car. Like totally destroys it. And she justifies it as a lesson for him to think about next time before he cheats on anyone. Cause, you know, if someone cheats on you, you have every right in the world to destroy thousands of dollars worth of their private property. Ehh, unless you are a man who finds out that his woman cheats on him, then you are not suppsoed to do anything but break up with her and get over it. Cause damaging her car, for example, would brand you as a PSYCHO, and that's not cool. Not when it comes to women though. You see, in this society, a woman acting psycho after finding out that her man cheated on her, including doing any kind of damage to things he owns, is perfectly acceptable and expected. Hell, it's one of women's new rights. And it's cool too. #1 hit on the charts cool. Get that, Mr. cheating bad man?

1) Akon-Smack that!

Finally, saving the worst for last. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you the lyrical masterpiece of Akon's latest hit " Smack that". Oh how I wish I was a fly on the wall the day he presented this song to his label as his new "hit single". To give you an idea of what I mean, let me write the chorus for you:

"Smack that…right on the floor

Smack that…give me some more

Smack that…till you get sore

Smack that…OH OH OH OH"

He actually wrote the "OH OH OH OH" as part of the lyrics. Picture that. The song wouldn't work without the "Oh oh oh oh". So, he wrote, "Oh Oh Oh Oh". And that's the chorus of this winter's hottest club song. Your daughter has this on her playlist. How do ya like that IPOD you gave her for Christmass now?

See what I am talking about? Are you finally getting the full picture of the horrowing future awaiting me while listening to the Oldies station? Now I am not gonna listen to that thing at all, fearing that one of this stinkbombs will find its way through and I will be forced to listen to …wait a minute. I can just listen to the hardrock oldies station. Yes, only Metallica, Guns'n'roses, Nirvana and Tool. And those songs will never play because they are all pop songs. Sweet. Problem solved. Phew…

But what if they played a song by Creed or Nickelback on there?

Oh crap…. 

Comments

  1. Burn down the disco
    Hang the blessed DJ
    Because the music that they constantly play
    IT SAYS NOTHING TO ME ABOUT MY LIFE
    Hang the blessed DJ
    Because the music they constantly play
    (The Smiths – Panic)

    I hardly ever listen to the radio nowadays. I’ve got my CDs, my MP3s, and I’m fine with that.

  2. Man … I’m so happy…
    I never heard one of the 5 songs! I don’t even know 3 of 5 artists. Life is good!

    However, I only listening to the news-station in my car :-)

    Long live BR5.


    Danish cartonist? Which one of the twelve?

  3. Not to overrate Stefani’s No Doubt days, but what the fuck happened?

  4. BrooklynJon says:

    Listening to the “Freaky Friday” soundtrack right now with my girls, and loving it!

  5. For the last several years, songs by female pop stars have focused on two overarching themes:

    1. I am the most amazing, beautiful and sexy creature alive.

    2. Men are scum.

    The collected “musical” output of Pussycat Dolls, Destiny’s Child/Beyonce, Gwen Stephani and thier ilk sounds like a reactionary parody of feminism; a brainless concotion of narcissim and man-bashing.

  6. humble simpleton says:

    Same like Leon, never heard any, know only Gwen because of her involvement in No Doubt. Same like Chris, have my CDs and mp3s, sometimes I listen to this:
    http://www.radioluxembourg.co.uk/cms/
    find ‘listen live’

  7. CLASSIC post!

    i agree with you 100%…except for that creed and nickelback part, what’s so wrong about them??

    i’m not their no.1 fan or anything but they’ve got some good songs.

  8. Off topic.

    A question for Egyptians:

    I am curious as to whether or not Sadat presumed Israel had nuclear weapons during the 1973 war. Does anyone really know what Sadat thought? Did he ever make any statements on the matter?

    It became obvious to everyone by the late 1970′s that Israel had nuclear weapons and some higher ups in Washington suspected Israel had nukes as early as the late 60′s. I’m curious as to what Egyptian officials thought about Israeli nuclear capabilities in the early 70′s.

  9. That is some bad music. BTW, it’s Ho (as in hole) not Hoe (a garden tool).

  10. Don’t be so sure the descendants will hate your music. Right now, Queen is very big among the 4th and 6th graders. I don’t know how that happened, but my kids keep asking for me to play that ol’ CD while we’re in the truck…

  11. The shittiest song ever is the one they played on the commercials.

    Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me.
    Don’t you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me.

    Hate it.
    hate it
    hate it.

  12. What greyscale said.

    I hope Three Doors Down and Fuel make the hard-rock oldies station too.

  13. Gave up on music a few years back, a sign that I am truly old. But a good station is http://www.wyep.org They play a lot of new stuff that doesn’t make the normal airwaves Check it out!

  14. Hun, “wild” is the UNDERSTATEMENT of the year :P I have never met a person with an imagination as naturally high on LCD as yours.

  15. I’ll just be driving around at 60 listening to Black Flag and The Ramones. I don’t like listening to radio crap now, so I doubt I will then…can’t see it getting any better.

  16. The sad thing is those tunes play on Radio Sawa, the tricky “Arab” radio station that broadcasts in the UAE although it’s programmed and produced in the US.

  17. Sandmonkey. Please. Pop music has always been a cesspool. It sucks. Always will. It IS getting worse at an exponentially increasing rate but …. that’s relative. Totally relative and not really meaningful. Suck is suck. Someday when your hormones calm down you’ll understand.

  18. Scott, I though Pop Music sucked even before my hormones settled down. The Bee Gees? John Denver? Neil Diamond!? Are you fucking kidding me? I was listening to Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, etc…

    You know the suckiest thing about that, though? John Denver actually sounds pretty good to me now, and I can’t sit through much Led Zeppelin when I’m not high…

    Hey, Sandmonkey, don’t worry… it’ll be a lot less than “20, 30 or 40″ years before your music is on the oldies station :P

    I remember when it happened to me. I was about 30 and some 12 year old said “Hey, Man, my Dad likes those oldies too!” and I was like “Oldies!? Listen here, sonny…”

  19. Olive Picker says:

    I totally agree. I already have to live on my Franz Ferdinand, Editors and New Order CDs.

    What *is* it with the female pop singers in the english-speaking music industry? We have our share of skanks in the greek music scene, but at least they sing to belly-dancing tunes, so arse-wriggling is expected anyway. But this…Apart from the examples already cited, there are also Sugababes, lovely 15-year-old girls dressed up and painted up to look like they’re forty, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera…the list goes on and on. And it’s not just the women, it’s also the men. Have a pretty face, a passable voice a sixpack of abs and a shaved chest and you’re the next Elvis Priestley, if the hype-makers are to be believed.

    Somebody should get those unfortunate souls to listen to some Janis Choplin, some Nina Simone, some Cesaria Evora, some Omara Portuondo, some Ibrahim Ferrer, some Frank Sinatra, some Tindersticks. Hopefully they will realise that making your audience’s hearts melt does not involve a strip number, only talent. Then again, that’s the problem, isn’t it?

    Enough with the ranting, I’d like a bit of advice. I’ve heard good words on Kasabian but in my current place of abode the radio stations are likely to play their songs when pigs fly. Can anyone tell me if they are any good or not?

  20. Ranba Ral says:

    “Always will. It IS getting worse at an exponentially increasing rate but …. that’s relative. Totally relative and not really meaningful. Suck is suck.”

    That’s true…until it creates an event horizon of suck that rips a hole in space-time itself strong enough to suck in even the strongest black hole in space.

  21. Number 2 is not that bad. Just don’t listen to the lyrics :P

    I loved this comment here:

    marfidayu (4 months ago)
    carrie is very good. i love her although i am muslim from malaysia

    and the replies to that one:

    sarahbeth2008 (2 months ago)
    what does you being muslim have to do with liking this song???

    Spectres (4 weeks ago)
    Most muslims aren’t allowed to like empowered beautiful women. They usually only listen to the death chants against the U.S.

  22. So YOU’RE the one who actually reads the comments on You Tube!

  23. There are too many of them Craig. I read them sporadic :P

  24. Btw, this topic reminds me to a tv program they had on a Dutch commercial channel. It was one of those “make-over” programs where ‘victims’ get plastical surgery because they are not happy with the way they look (and sometimes they manage to change their physics pretty drastically). The begin tune they chose for this program was:

    Christina Aguilera with “Beautiful”.

    Just read its refrain:

    “I am beautiful no matter what they say
    Words can’t bring me down
    I am beautiful in every single way
    Yes, words can’t bring me down
    So don’t you bring me down today”

    Nice choice!

  25. At least Gwen Stefani’s turn to the dark (pop) side was gradual. WTF happened to Nelly Furtado? Ok, I mean she wasn’t that amazing to begin with, but there was real potential there and she was mildly original. Anyone seen her performances at this year’s music awards? Hilarious!

    Anyway…long live the music of Ella Fitzgerald, Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra, etc. Hopefully, those will always be what classifies as “oldies.” And 40 years from now, may the music we listen to today be labeled as simply as “crap people listened to 40 years ago.” Otherwise, what will today’s oldies be called tomorrow? Really old oldies?

  26. uhe, I like to listen to the seventies rock, am I already an oldie ?

  27. LOOOL,

    SM, don’t worry! You know why?

    In 40 years time the MB will be in power and music will be banned in Egypt coz it’s haram.

    LOOOOOOOOOOOOL hehehehehehehehe

    Problemo solved amigo!!

    :)

  28. Get ready for listening to ALOT of madee7

    btw, I think lyrically songs nowadays are in such a sad state. It’s all commercial bullshite but maaaan… you can’t mess with the beats… Akon’s beats are da shyte… not bad at all man…

    in fact 2moro Akon is gone be here LIVE in Kuala Lumpur. Me going :)

    Will say hi to him for you and direct him to your blog.

  29. Yup pop/radio has always sucked. To quote some Reel Big Fish lyrics:
    “radio plays what they want you to hear
    they tell me it’s cool but i just don’t believe it…”
    It’s all about money.

    Thank God for the iPod. I’m usually listening to stoner rock by local bands and Clutch. Couldn’t live without Clutch! Talk about great lyrics…

  30. chellebelle_mn says:

    The only hope we have is that music keeps getting worse. So by the time the oldies stations our are favorite, we will actually look back and say, wow Fergilicous wasnt bad compared to the crap today!!!

  31. chellebelle_mn says:

    and AKON sucks. He has the most annoying voice and it amuses me that a muslim sings such dirty disgusting songs. He is supposed to be having a reality show about his 2 wives. Absolutely hilarious!!!

  32. BrooklynJon says:

    Craig,

    Hey, no knocking Neil Diamond! He’s not just a nice Brooklyn boy, but he went to my high school! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abraham_Lincoln_High_School_(New_York)

    bj

  33. Sam: This is the single most hilarious thing I have ever read here. And I thought I followed too far down the freaky rabbit trails my feverish imagination churns out! LOL

  34. “Your feets too big.”

  35. “An event horizon of suck”

    Now THAT’S funny. I think we’re close.

  36. egyptchick7 says:

    Hey Brooklyn Jon…that means you’re near my territory…Brighton Beach baby ( I went to tech tho, but went to Europe with Lincoln’s Key Club a few times :)

  37. Bottle Guy says:

    a small treat for you guys

    http://www.bottleguy.com/

  38. Speaking of people who have large objects stuck in their asses,

    Arabs look to link Iraq, Mideast deal

    CAIRO, Egypt – Moderate Arab governments plan to tell Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice they will help Washington stabilize Iraq if the U.S. takes more active steps to revive a broad peace initiative between Israel and its neighbors, Arab officials and media said Sunday.

    What “peace initiative” are they talking about? And what possible reason could the US have to believe that the “moderate” arab governments of the middle east can do anything to settle things down in Iraq, anyway? Things have gone much too far for that, now. If if the Sunnis decided to actually get with the program, the Shia will not stop. They don’t trust the Sunni anymore, and for very good reason.

    The deal, dubbed “Iraq for Land,” is expected to be proposed during a meeting between Rice and her counterparts from eight Arab countries in Kuwait on Tuesday.

    Sometimes, I think the best foreign policy decision the US could make would be to just not send anybody overseas to engage in “talks” anymore. Ambassadors never leave the embassy, and never receive visitors, and answer every call with “Fuck you” and then hang up. What the hell good does diplomacy do, anyway? 60 fucking years of diplomacy and things in the ME are worse than ever. Condi, go home! Never leave the US again! Please. It’s embarrassing.

    PS-BrooklynJon, there is no excuse for Neil Diamond! None! :P

  39. Dude, I gave up listening to all kinds crap long ago!
    Yanni rulez!

  40. fahmy the Egyptian says:

    Chris:

    Burn down the disco
    Hang the blessed DJ
    Because the music that they constantly play
    IT SAYS NOTHING TO ME ABOUT MY LIFE
    Hang the blessed DJ
    Because the music they constantly play
    (The Smiths – Panic)

    I see someone with a great musical ear here! Ah, those golden bands like The Smiths, Beatles or Stones. The Cure, or David Bowie circa Ziggy. Let me tell you something people, American music nowadays is rubbish. No more Dylans, Velvets, or Pixies – although apparently most of those are still playing :) Well, the real deal gentlemen is not the Top 40 or MTV – the real music is still coming out from the British Isles with a genius like Luke Haines and bands like I Am Kloot. Metallica – never liked them and never will. I rest my case.

  41. BrooklynJon says:

    Craig,

    What I find interesting is that Neil Diamond, Neil Sedaka, and Hank Medress (who created The Tokens) were all in the school at the same time. For the record, ALHS has also graduated more Nobel laureates than any other high school in the world. OTOH, I graduated from there, so it just goes to show you…

    Egyptchick7,
    Born and bred in Brighton Beach. I think I actually live closer to Tech now. But what’s a nice Egyptian girl like you doing in a Russian-Jewish neighborhood like that? At least I suppose they don’t get angry at you for “refusing” to speak Russian, as happens to me whenever I’m in Brighton.

  42. Most young people 18-25 would rather listen to Neil Diamond instead of the beatles (horrible band imho), bowie or faggy goth’s like The Cure. Go to Kareoke (sp?) and everyone can sing Sweet Caroline. There really isn’t much love for Boys don’t Cry or Yellow Submarine.

    “I don’t know how that happened, but my kids keep asking for me to play that ol’ CD while we’re in the truck”

    Queen? Are you driving them to Tap dancing class or soccer? It sounds like you need to get them in Pop Warner…stat! If you don’t you might have to deal with adult men and their “friends” singing show tunes in your truck in a few decades.

  43. What’s wrong with Fergilicious? I like that song- it’s got a good beat- at least you can dance to it!

    You can’t beat ol’ school Hip Hop, RnB, Aussie hip hop and Motown. They just don’t make music like they used to! Music jumped the shark when Whacko Jacko turned into a white man!

    Amanda #6
    You forgot
    “We can’t live without the love of a man because we are weak and stupid and female”- along the lines of any stupid Celine Dion song.
    “I’m everything I am because you loved me”- What a croc!- I’m everything I am because I worked damn hard at it, stepped over the bastards who said I couldn’t do it with my 10 inch stilleto heels, gave the finger to those who said it can’t be done and flashed a perfect smile as I left a wake of heart broken men in my shadow.

  44. Neil Diamond, who’s that ?

  45. brothertrav says:

    #10 – actually it’s “ho” as in “whore”.

    For teenage American boys today, the marketing is that he’s got to be a pimp… and everybody knows pimps have ho’s!!!

    Spell it however you want to, the meaning is the same.

    American pop music has such a great influence on society… NOT!!!

    Back in the old days… hip hop was cool. Now it’s just a big dick contest… see the teeth, cars, money, ho’s… etc…

  46. brothertrav says:

    Someone asked about Kasabian… not bad for Brit pop. The Brits still have some good pop music out there. See Kaiser Chiefs and Arctic Monkeys too. Not great, but not bad either. Some catchy stuff!

    If you want heavy thoughts with your music, why the hell are people looking to pop music anyway? It’s aimed at 12 to 16 year olds and you all remember your deep thoughts when you were that age!!!

  47. “Always will. It IS getting worse at an exponentially increasing rate but …. that’s relative. Totally relative and not really meaningful. Suck is suck.”

    Don’t spend $ on da music, music piracy is humanities last best hope to kill ‘pop’ music. Make Britney starve damnit!!

    “and AKON sucks. He has the most annoying voice and it amuses me that a muslim sings such dirty disgusting songs. He is supposed to be having a reality show about his 2 wives. Absolutely hilarious!!!”

    Really? He’s muslim? All I know is he’s from Jersey .. which pretty much says it all right there :P

    “The deal, dubbed “Iraq for Land,” is expected to be proposed during a meeting between Rice and her counterparts from eight Arab countries in Kuwait on Tuesday.

    It echoes widespread Arab feelings that a lasting Middle East peace cannot be achieved as long as Israel doesn’t reach a settlement to hand over lands it occupied during the 1967 Mideast war to the Palestinians, Syria and Lebanon.”

    Wow! Didn’t know the Jews are the real reason that Shites and Sunnis love to hate each other. Once Palestine is settled there’ll be a big hippie love-in in Tehran and Mecca. Really!!! Now eat more ‘shrooms.

    “Dude, I gave up listening to all kinds crap long ago!
    Yanni rulez!”

    Can we say: Oxymoronic?

    “Music jumped the shark when Whacko Jacko turned into a white man!”

    Jumped the shark? LOL

    ‘Oldies’ radio has already started here for 70s-80s. Q107 Bleah :P

    Karma Chameleon scares me. Finding that I can actually stand it now. *shivers*

  48. Dude! OMG! LOL! Man, what a wicked imagination! That’s like none other, ever, never, not on this planet. Who would have, indeed could have, ever, never, not on this planet, thought how today’s music, films and other such pop-culture might be deemed old-fashioned in 2050?! That’s the awesomest thought ever! Do they award Nobel Prizes for Awesome Thoughts That Rock the World? They should, and this utterly, totally, awesomely, OMG’ly novel thought should win and thereupon spread like a cosmic wildfire. For who could ever, never, not on this planet, have, like, wow, come up with this wicked shit? Awesome.

    That is wild! Imagination running amok! You should warn passers-by that there is a wild-imagination contamination in this site. That can be set off by the smallest thing, too. Go off on wild tangents! (That’s, like, a curve, in plain-speak, but totally awesomer than a curve; curve is lame, but tangent is rock, the fast-forward-played death-metal of words!) Dude! How can we all lame-o’s ever, never, not on this planet, like, even begin to comprehend the awesome magnitude of this entertainment of all sorts of possibilities and problems that don’t actually exist?

    Titanic as Casablanca!? Numero uno mega-weird! The mind cannot fathom, this is über-new, this is revolution, this is Total Awesomety. To personally know such mind as can, from zilch, without help from mommy, yank a previously void thought-space and accommodate it with simple genius, would be more than a dream come true; it would be a thousand dreams in thousand dreams dreamt into the lives of thousand thousand dreamers’ dreamscape. Awesome.

    Deep bows, the Mecca has moved.