Catch-22

Let's say you are a guy, and you have a close female friend whom you are not interested in otherwise. One day You notice that female friend distancing herself, so you ask her what's going on, and she tells you that she believes/thinks/suspects that you have feelings for her beyond that of friendship and she doesn't like it. Pray tell, what would you do?

Let's go over your options at that moment, shall we? There really are only 2 of them: 1) You agree with the friend or 2) You deny what your friend is saying. Now, option #1 is out, because, well, as we previously mentioned you don't have feelings for her beyond those of friendship. So you go for option #2 and deny, which the girl probably won't believe anyway. So, my dear friend, I would like to inform you that either way you are fucked!

It's the ultimate catch-22 and there is no real way out, because even if you deny, how can you really prove it? I mean, it's hard enough to show you are in love with someone, can you imagine how hard it is to prove that you are not in love with them but still like them as friends? It's almost impossible.

The moment they utter those words and you immediately become a suspect, and you are guilty till proven innocent and there is no fair trial. You find yourself immediately on the defensive. You start wondering when did this start in her head. If every time you greeted her with a hug or a kiss on the cheek you were considered a suspect. You start replaying phone calls and conversations in your head, and wonder what you said that could've implied this. You start thinking that this must be how being a woman must feel like, and thank your gods you don't have to do it all the time and you start regretting not currently dating a woman, because had you done that you could've just pointed at her and be like "Oh, but I am with her" and your friend will start looking like the egomanical paranoid person that she is currently being. But you are a single guy, which means you have no alibi and the glove fits. There is no way out for you.

Well, when this happens to you, as it happened to me, there is really not much that you can do. And since no piece of advice is readily available to you, you have to come up with some rules of your own on the spot. Here is what I came up with:

1) Deny. Deny. Deny. Deny. And if you can, try to turn it into a joke. Chances are they won't let you, because they are probably wearing their "Bitch shoes" if they decide to have this conversation with you and once those shoes are on, boy, they ain't coming off with a smile. But try anyway…

2) Tell her that to combat any suspicion from her side that from this moment on, you will not touch any part of her, ever, no matter what the reason. Not in greetings, goodbyes, times of sorrow, times of joy, if she is falling apart or falling down the stairs. You are not going near her at all. She is a leper as far as you are concerned.

3) Take the mental note to never ever call, IM or text message her from now on. God knows a simple "How r u?" could be interpreted as the suffocating greeting of a psycho friend who is bent on continuing to have feelings for her, and who would want that? No Hallos, No Miss yous, and most defiantly NO POKING on facebook. Got that?

4) Decide that this friend, for at least the short run, is gone from your life. If you depended on that person, or was part of your inner circle, start getting used to the idea that they won't be there anymore. Why? Because if you seek their help at your time of need, god only knows how they will interpret it, so why even bother with this crap when you are in a bad place? Just call someone else.

5) Remember that this is her choice, that she created the problem, so it's ok to hate her if the situation requires it. But don't do it immediately. Give it like a month or so. Remember that she could also be a confused soul, and it's good to give her the time to figure stuff out in her head. But if you cared for that person,and they shut you out just like that because of something in their heads, then it might just be ok to hate them. Just take your time with this step. And if you take it and she protests it, please remind her that this is all her fault, and an irrational action warrants an irrational reaction. Newton First Law, Bitches!

6) Inform her that you are going to keep your distance until she figures her shit out. If she wants to get over herself and call you, that's fine. If she doesn't, well, that's her choice as well, and revert to rule #5.

7) Start looking for a girlfriend. Any girlfriend. You don't even have to like her. She doesn't even have to be nice, pretty or literate. Just get rid of your suspicious singledom. You are not gonna fall in this trap again.

That's all I have for now. If you have any suggestions, please add them to the comments section. If you suspect such a thing from a friend of yours, please, get over yourself before doing something stupid or acting funny. This isn't fun!

And if you are a female friend of mine and reading this, please realize that I am not in love with you. I am very forward with my emotions, and if I was, I would've told you. And if I hang out with you a lot, it's because you are fun to hang out with and I am not seeing someone. But the moment I will start seeing someone, I promise to ignore you like everybody else does. Ehh..I mean give you less attention. I will be busy. You know what I mean.

So yeah, that's all. Oh, and again, NOT IN LOVE WITH ANY OF YOU. OK?

Fuckin Hell…

0 comment on Catch-22

  1. leo
    December 18, 2007 at 6:33 pm

    Carefully mix options 1 and 2 together to make her doubt each and every suspicious thought she might have (I assume her suspicions are unfounded).

    Reply
  2. Nomad
    December 18, 2007 at 6:53 pm

    what does she fear for ? there isn’t any problem till your not going to rape her

    Reply
  3. chikapappi
    December 18, 2007 at 7:01 pm

    LOL!!!! your list is hilarious! simple! you pick up the phone or try to meet her and tell her face en face what you have to say, she’ll appreciate that THAT IS IF she understands and has good intentions

    Reply
  4. Nadav
    December 18, 2007 at 7:43 pm

    SM, I wonder, can you kiss a girl on the cheek in the streets of Egypt? Isn’t that just an invitation to get gang-banged by seven soni men? not to mention the jail time that might ensue..
    Okay, so Egypt isn’t wahabi like those crazy saudians, but still, won’t the MB go sharia on your ass (litteraly)?

    Reply
  5. mikek
    December 18, 2007 at 10:20 pm

    #8, she is playing hard to get. You have been friends for a long time but never made a move. This way you have to think about how great she is and then tell her about it. Next time you see her instead of hugging her as a greeting, slap her on the ass and wink. Either she will think you are playing around and turning her suspicion into a joke or she will like it.

    If she likes it, hit it and quit it.

    Reply
  6. Gard
    December 18, 2007 at 11:19 pm

    What you do is neither confirm nor deny. Just ignore her distancing and if she eludes to it in any way, just tell her that its her choice to make and your not going to try and change her mind one way or another. If you let it bother you and try to explain yourself to her, you are giving her the impression that you are guilty of something. If you do just let it go and move on, she will see that you really don’t have any feelings for her in that way because guys for the most part don’t just drop someone like a hot potato that they are in love with, they pursue it and try to salvage it. I know it all too well from personal experience. SM, its obviously her with problem and not you. Let her sort it out for herself and only talk to her when she contacts you for the time being. Trust me, when they get it sorted out, they come running back 99% of the time.

    Reply
  7. Joan
    December 18, 2007 at 11:37 pm

    Want me to take care of it for you? I’ve got a lot of bottled up rage. I could totally pretend to be your girlfriend and then make a big scene about her not being woman enough to steal my man…you know, if I were in Egypt.

    Reply
  8. Noliving
    December 19, 2007 at 12:44 am

    I got an idea sandmonkey!

    Have you ever thought about just telling her your gay! That will definately clear the whole situation up and will leave no doubt in her mind that you really have no feelings for her!

    Reply
  9. antares
    December 19, 2007 at 2:17 am

    Ooh! Are we angry?

    Nothing you can do to improve the situation, Sandy. Drop her. Live in joy.

    Reply
  10. anonymous
    December 19, 2007 at 3:29 am

    I agree with antares. Way too much anger. Sometimes I wonder how young you are. Come on honey you can be bigger than this. Truly. Hate is a big word for a MAN WITH A BIG HEART. And despite some of your stupidity, idealism and youth..and you do have all of those qualities…you do seem to have a good heart.

    I spent some time in Egypt. I’m not Egyptian. This is what I learned with regards to the way Egyptian men and women interact in all classes.

    1) Egyptian women do not believe men can be their friends. No way, no sir, no how. Even if the man is married and friends with her family, her husband, her fiance, her whatever…he can never really just want her friendship. If he looks at her for longer than a nanosecond he is probably interested in her, or so she thinks. It’s part of Egyptian culture. It’s all in the eyes. She may pretend they are friends, but in her mind, she is thinking “Does he like me, does he want me, would he marry me?” Trust me on this one babe. Don’t believe a word any Egyptian girl who is your friend says when she says, “You are my friend”. Bullshit!

    2) Egyptian men do not believe women can just be their friends. No way, no sir, no how. Even if she is married, engaged to his best friend, is his coworker, his whatever….if she is nice, sweet, kind and giving him any kind of attention..if she looks at him for more than a nanosecond then she wants him…plain and simple.

    Now coming from a land where men and women interact on a non-sexual/physical level on a regular basis, this concept took some time to sink in. It baffled me frankly but eventually after the 10th time or so it sunk in. K..sometimes I’m kinda slow and it isn’t my culture so it didn’t immediately sink in. Comprehension was the key. Hindsight 20/20.

    Yes I heard him say we were like brother and sister. Yes he was the sweetest thing ever. The voice in the dark I heard when I was missing home and all that was familiar, when i was sad or in pain and the friend I called when I just needed to hear a kind word from a good heart. And didn’t he ruin it all when he proposed to me. Despite having a wife and children. Didn’t he just want to run away with me. No joke. And all i thought was what the fuck? No joke.

    So no habibee…you shouldn’t hate. Cuz honey you just missed the boat on this one. Besides Hate is the other side of the Love coin. Think about that one in that constantly working mind of yours.

    Yes, it pissed me off something nasty that he wrecked everything and took away that friendship that I had come to depend on so much. That special click I had with that unique someone who was my friend. I still miss that friendship. Maybe I always will.

    But then…I have always believed that the best romantic relationships begin as friendships. Want a marriage that really lasts. Fall in love with and Marry your best friend.

    Maybe I might have fallen in love with him. Maybe you might have fallen in love with her. Who knows…

    Right now you are pissed cuz she just ruined the friendship that you so enjoyed and had come to depend on. Your pride and feelings are hurt. And you don’t know how to fix this because at this point there really is nothing you could say to her that would change her perception of the situation. Wrong as it may be.

    And no you won’t just go out and date just anybody cuz that’s not you. You want that special someone.

    Yes she may have been a bitch.

    Note to Sandmonkey: Every women has a bit of a bitch in her. Myself included. It comes out from time to time. It’s how we are genetically programmed. So she probably could have had more tact or been more delicate or behaved more maturely. But I’m guessing she isn’t all that old and she probably has limited life experiences and maturity.

    My advice…just chill…hang with some other friends…and let yourself miss her company, miss her friendship, miss her…cuz u will..it’s normal…maybe this will be the end of this relationship and maybe not…wait and see…but let that anger fade away, subside and just try to move on…

    Reply
  11. thewiz
    December 19, 2007 at 3:40 am

    First; you are a guy, she is a woman; therefore you will always be guilty before being proved innocent, and there is no such thing as a fair trial!!! Accept it and get over it.

    But if she reads your blog, you already blew it. That post was so long, so full of deep thought, and so full of emotion that she is now convinced she was right and will never, ever, eternally be convinced otherwise.

    What ya shoulda done, right off the bat, the instant she said this crap was look her in the eye very casually, say “Whatever” and then walk away. Never email, don’t return her calls, diasappear for at least two weeks.

    Then, when, not if, she “accidentally” bumps into and says what the hell? just acted confused for a second and then go “Oh. . .that….. naw I was just busy as hell. . .catch up to ya later”

    But now your screwed. If ya just dissappear now she will just think she broke your heart and that new girlfriend is just a rebound relationship.

    Sorry dude

    Reply
  12. Twosret
    December 19, 2007 at 4:06 am

    I’m actually suspecting that you care for her more than a friend. Look at the long post you wrote and how upset you are.

    Are you sure you don’t have emotions for this friend? LOL

    Reply
  13. John Cunningham
    December 19, 2007 at 6:19 am

    The tent of variations of emotional blackmail is very large. All kinds of people thinking life is a big scam. Some try to pass themselves off as mysterious. I assure you they’re scammers, also known as control freaks. But, I also assure you, there’s a lot that aren’t scammers. They’re out there.

    Reply
  14. Ahmed
    December 19, 2007 at 11:40 am

    Been there, done that. Totally useless. You can never win with w women. It’s a lose-lose situation.

    Reply
  15. Madness
    December 19, 2007 at 11:46 am

    Haha, i got this issue right now, and i think i will just not contact her in any way (although i bump into her in town every now and then, and she is (well, was) in the inner circle) It´s a little sad, but i guess either she will eventually make contact again or i´ll simply have to accept life with one friend less. Sucks, but what to do…your list is great though.

    Reply
  16. amre el-abyad
    December 19, 2007 at 12:34 pm

    When a female friend says so, it is more often than not because she feels that you are not intersted in her or it could be simply because of a wounded female eage as she might well be jealous of the feelings she sensed you have fo some other woman. It doesnt’ make any difference how open minded the woman is , they all have a genetically implanted urge to be the centre of all attention.

    I went through this shit before. I simply fucked the dumb thing. I went around telling all our friends that x thinks that iam i love with her while iam not, and I am afraid I might hurt her feelings, which is the last thiong I wpuld want to do . Bingo!

    In prehistoric times the best way to handle it is to bang her headwith a hammer or so. Now adays such soultion can never be feasible. Thus bang her head using her soft power tactics heeeeeeeeeeee

    Reply
  17. Adam B.
    December 19, 2007 at 1:55 pm

    For once I’m with Twosret here – your reaction hints that you feel more for her than you let yourself believe…

    If you REALLY don’t feel attracted to her you’d just tell her so and shrug at her with a smile if she didn’t believe you. Hey, it’s her problem. If she does distance herself, well… let her! After a while she’ll notice that you’re not trying to catch up with her and she’ll dismiss her cracy notion.

    Simple really… :)

    Reply
  18. Red Tulips
    December 19, 2007 at 7:01 pm

    *sobs*

    SM, does this mean you are *not* in love with me???

    *cries and cries*

    Reply
  19. superluli
    December 19, 2007 at 9:49 pm

    first off, it’s kinda insensitive of her to do this! actually, kinda stupid!
    If she had her doubts she should have had a mutual friend check it out for her and find out if your crush on her is real or just a figment of her imagination.
    What did she think would happen? this would surely make things awkard; even if you did like her, it’s better if she’d just ignored it.

    So my guess is she probably liked you and wanted you to tell her, yes please-oh-please give us a chance.

    If not i suggest you tell her downright – i am not interested, if i were i’d tell you, and i am going to give you some time to get over this idea – when you are call me.
    so basically option 8! she deserves it

    Reply
  20. anonymous
    December 19, 2007 at 11:03 pm

    Amre El Abayad said:
    “In prehistoric times the best way to handle it is to bang her head with a hammer or so. Now adays such soultion can never be feasible. Thus bang her head using her soft power tactics heeeeeeeeee”

    R U 4 real? I can see why u must be single…Bang her head with a hammer?…

    Maybe you should go back to that cave you live and stay there all by your lonesome….U AND UR HAND!

    Reply
  21. QuietusLeo
    December 20, 2007 at 4:09 am

    I think this pretty much sums it up:

    quietusleo.blogspot.com/2007/11/time-and-money.html

    Reply
  22. brooklynjon
    December 20, 2007 at 4:34 am

    Sam,

    Dames! Almost as satisfying as beer. But not quite.

    Red Tulips,

    Come to think of it, you’ve been distancing yourself from ME ever since we chatted last year. Now I see you’ve been using me to get to Sam. Harumph!

    bj

    Reply
  23. Maya M
    December 20, 2007 at 6:53 am

    Sam, you don’t understand the woman’s mind. A heterosexual man and woman cannot be “just friends”. Esp. if both are young and single and the man fits the stereotype of Prince Charming, as you do. To me, the girl hoped you loved her not “just as a friend” but the other way. She hoped that you would confess. Please dig into your heart and if she seems to be The One for you, go on, and if not, leave her alone. And do not befriend women anymore! You will just break their hearts and, excuse me for the old-fashioned and sexist but still true stereotype, waste the precious time they have to find their companion in life and father of their children. If you think this is just my opinion, go watch “When Harry met Sally”.

    Reply
  24. Jen
    December 20, 2007 at 11:06 pm

    Oh, oh, there is a good way out of this. You cannot be defensive. You have to make her think she said something dumb. Trust me, I know how to do this very well…I’m a WOMAN.

    It’s probably too late for this to be as exceptionally effective as it would otherwise be, but here it is…

    When she says “You fancy me, I’m uncomfortable, blah, blah, blah”, you get little shocked and amused look on your face and dismiss it with a laugh. You say nothing more than something like, “It’s okay, Woman’s-name-here. We’ll just forget you said that!” Make sure she sees that you find this all a bit humorous.

    In her company, make comments about other women you find attractive. Especially point out things you like that are the complete opposite of this girl.

    DON’T DO ANY OF THE THINGS ON YOUR LIST. DO AS I SAY!

    You have no idea how fast this will work. Hopefully she won’t actually start to fancy YOU; a common side effect.

    Reply
  25. max
    December 22, 2007 at 12:49 pm

    What you will do if the exact opposite happened??
    I mean like you truly fall for her and she is pissed, is there any way out of this??

    Reply
  26. smarty
    December 27, 2007 at 1:55 pm

    This is an easy dilemma. You tell her that her ass is a bit fat, her cooking sux, and you can’t get the picture of her screwing her last dirtbag boyfriend out of your head. So you are NOT interested.

    Honestly, this sounds like a stupid, self-involved woman, and it isn’t like female just-friends are all that great anyway.

    Reply
  27. Kim
    January 9, 2008 at 4:49 pm

    I’m a first time reader and I must say I do love the fine art of sarcasm! Only one question…. Those shoes you mention in reason #1…. I seem to be missing a pair…ok not missing… just need another color. I’m thinking Fire Engine red…what do ya think? I like the whole matching nails and red shoes idea.

    Reply
  28. ito
    January 24, 2008 at 10:27 pm

    Anonymous, if I only knew this,

    “1) Egyptian women do not believe men can be their friends. No way, no sir, no how. Even if the man is married and friends with her family, her husband, her fiance, her whatever…he can never really just want her friendship. If he looks at her for longer than a nanosecond he is probably interested in her, or so she thinks. It’s part of Egyptian culture. It’s all in the eyes. She may pretend they are friends, but in her mind, she is thinking “Does he like me, does he want me, would he marry me?” Trust me on this one babe. Don’t believe a word any Egyptian girl who is your friend says when she says, “You are my friend”. Bullshit!”

    a little bit earlier I would have been spared my own stupid reaction. These things make no sense to me but I guess I just learned something else.
    I think that real friends don’t do this to their friends. The disappointment always goes away SM. Everything passes. I just said Goodbye after making a fool of myself. Good Blog.

    Reply

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