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Tuesday, 25 Dec 2007
It is the season of holidays and family gatherings, where people gather around, and enjoy the company of their relatives for a good day or two, and then thank the gods they don't have to see them again until the next holiday. Given that this is the seasons for sharing, I figured I should share some heartwarming stories about my family, especially my mother. You see, my mother, well, how to put this, yeah, she is one of the most racist people I've ever known or met. She hates Blacks, Jews, Christians, Arabs, Indians, Asians (except Koreans, cause "They are tall". I know! ), Hispanics , and pretty much anybody who isn't white or quite possibly Muslim. I am not joking. She is so incredibly prejudiced, she changed her cellphone service provider from Mobinil to Vodaphone because Mobinil was owned by Sawiris, a christian, and she doesn't want to give a christian her money. It used to trip me out, that someone as educated as she is would have such views, that I once jokingly told her that when I will go to the US for college, I would find me a black Jewish wife and have like 3 babies with her, you know, just to mess with her. She looked me straight in the eye and told me that if I actually did that, she would line up the children next to each other on the wall, so that when she shoots them, she wouldn't miss and waste bullets. Oh, and she was totally serious too.
This used to disturb me (I mean people with PHD's from Georgetown can not be this closed-minded, right?) until I figured out that there is a major difference between people who have high degrees and actual intelligent sane human beings, and how being one doesn't necessarily mean you are the other. If anything, people who do accumulate high degrees are people who are good at studying and memorizing facts: they are Book-smart. And being book-smart doesn't mean a thing in the world of actual intellect. You can have fantastic Book-smarts and still be a complete retard (Noam Chomsky, people, helloooo). Once I figured that out though, people like my mother became very easy to handle and deal with: you just treat them like you would treat children, and they become immediately pleasant once they get their hate out.
Example on how to deal with not highly intelligent racist family members:
Mom: "Did you see ( a random embarrassing failure or fuck-up committed by Arabs or Muslims somewhere)?"
Me: "Yes, Mom. I did."
Mom: "You know who is behind it, right? It's those damn jews."
Me: "Yes, Mom. Those damn jews. They are very evil and, ehh, jewish like that. One day we will show them."
Mom (all relaxed and happy that someone agrees with her): "Yes. Yes, we will. So, sweetie, did you want any money?"
* and….Scene *
I know, I know, you will accuse me of appeasing her instead of trying to change her mind, but that is not the truth. I've tried to change her mind for years using every possible logical, philosophical and religious argument out there, and they would hit the brickwall called her frontal lobe, and then wouldn't go anywhere. I then realized that it might be best if I just let it be. She , after all, has been this way all of her life, and she isn't going to change now. Plus, what if I did succeed and she saw the error of her ways? She would spend the rest of her life horrified of how she spent the majority of her life and she would try unsuccessfully to make-up for it and fail, because, like, how do you make up for something like that? Plus, the moment you believe that the jews are now cloning the red cow in their secret facility in the Dome of Rock under the Al Aqsa Masjed in anticipation for the day they can make the Masjed crumble to rebuild the Temple of Solomon, well, there just ain't no talking sense to you. You have to be dealt with the same way I deal with Islamist fundamentalists.
Example on how to deal with Islamist fundies:
Islamist Fundies: "Allahu Akbar"
Me (patting their heads): " Yes he is, kids. Yes he is."
Islamist Fundies: "God willing, we will crush the west, and the jews, and all the enemies of Islam. We will kill them all!"
Me (pinching their cheeks):" Oh yes, yes you will. Look at that cute bushy beard you have. Who is a good Islamist? You are. Yes, you are."
It works wonders, I tell you. Totally calms them down.
The thing is, as much as my mother's racism used to disturb me, as much as I find it hilarious with each passing day, especially because it keeps getting worse the older she gets. Take the case of my sister's husband for example. You see, he is fairly dark-skinned because his family is originally Nubian, which of course makes him ineligible to even talk to my sister, let alone marry her. But they loved each other, and he is a really good guy, so me and my father supported my sister's choice against my mom. So three months before the wedding (I was in the US), my mom comes into my sister's room with a Gerber Baby Foods Calender, which is filled with pictures of very cute white babies. She hangs it up in my sister's room and tells her: " I've put this up here so that everyday you wake up you can look at it and realize that you will never have babies that will look like that!"
Yeah…
So, a year later, when my sister had just given birth to her first baby, I called Egypt from the US to congratulate her and check up on her. My mom answered, so I immediately asked her how the kid was like:
Me: "So, Mom, do we now have Negros in the family?"
Mom: " Negros? Shut your mouth. He is not a Negro. He is..ehh..Mocha!"
Me: (sound of the phone falling from my hand and me rolling on the floor and laughing my ass off)
Mocha, people. That's right! Mocha.
But all of that is nothing compared to her latest gem, which she told me when we were having dinner two weeks ago. I asked her if she still went to the NDP and was active in it. She responded:
Mom: "Not really. You know how it is. I am from the old guard, it's all run by the new people now, and I am not connected with them."
Me: "So you no longer go at all? Not even to the Health committee or the Women rights committee?"
Mom: "Nope. The only one I still go and participate in is the Citizenship Rights committee."
Me: "Citizenship rights Committee? Isn't that about ensuring that minorities have equal rights as the majority?"
Mom: "Yep, that's exactly it!"
Me: "Then what are you doing there Mom? You hate copts!"
Mom: "Excuse me, I don't hate copts. We are all Copts. It's the Christians I hate!"
Me: "………"
I was speechless, but laughing so hard on the inside I almost clapped, I swear.
I love my mom!
December 25th, 2007 at 11:02 am
Man! we must have been separated at birth or something…..
You are *DEFINITELY* talking about *MY* mom!!!
She does the same thing exactly!! (but not with the Christians, the jews,americans,negros and other minorities part only)
And yes, your way definitely works, you *CANNOT* change the way she think, i tried and i failed.
December 25th, 2007 at 11:42 am
And I used to complain about my folks!!
December 25th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
bring home a jewish girl from ethiepia
December 25th, 2007 at 12:25 pm
I now realize how lucky I was to grow up in a home where my parents judged people individually and didn’t lump everyone into a group identity with a prejudged opinion about them. I’m starting to believe that I had a very unusual upbringing. God bless you Mommy and Daddy, in heaven, at the right hand of God.
December 25th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
LOL … hillarious:)
My dad - not my mom - was like that ….
I used to go to the British Council library in another lifetime and one day he was dropping me off when we ran into one of my colleagues … Manal Karam Kostandi
I hugged her and told her that I will join her in a bit … and before my dad handed me my classeur, he asked me what was the name of that girl. Totally oblivious of his point, I told him her name ….. for months and months later “Kostandi” was his private joke over breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Good news - he changed with age:)
December 25th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
Awesome. I love it. We all have that somewhere in our families. We should have conferences.
December 25th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
Oh yeah, def bring home a Jewish Israeli Ethiopian - they are beautiful… And your Mocha babies will be lovely.
December 25th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
My father was similar in his way. We went to Catholic school. I had this desire to go to the public school. It just seemed to me a more interesting school. One thing he would say to change my mind was that they had Protestants in public schools. A lot of my friends were Protestants. I’m confused, maybe small Protestants are OK but, you better watch out for those big Protestants. Don’t know what they do, but, I didn’t want to find out. All during the ninth grade I had to take the bus for three miles to the Catholic high school and the public school was right up the street. And this was one of those suburban high schools. None of that crap you’ll find in city public schools. His reason for not wanting me to go to the public high school was because they called the superintendent a doctor. So I’m thinking that’s strange, why would they do that. I got out of high school in ‘66. Didn’t go to college until ‘82. That’s when I found out all about having a doctorate. You don’t have to be a medical doctor to be called doctor. The superintendent of the public schools in that township had a Doctorate in Education, that’s why they called him a doctor. Duh. Parents can really do a number on kids.
December 25th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
I’m not ethiopian, just jew and Israeli (but I have also egyptian blood and blue eyes and I’m white). I’m ready to churn out some “bambinos” (as you call them) just to have a mother in law like her: I want also a daily rolling on the floor and laughing my ass off…
Ciao!!!
December 25th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
Excellent post! In those situations I manage to keep my mouth shut and smile. I have nothing to say or add. I try to avoid conflict points as much as I can - just don;t have the strength or will anymore. Yay wasted 10 minutes work time. Now I need 1 more hour and a half. Keep on postin!
December 25th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
come on, it’s not just your mom who thinks like that. Quite a significant proportion think like that here. Who said education level has anything to do with having love for others?
December 25th, 2007 at 2:28 pm
“Mom: “Did you see ( a random embarrassing failure or fuck-up committed by Arabs or Muslims somewhere)?”
Me: “Yes, Mom. I did.”
Mom: “You know who is behind it, right? It’s those damn jews.”
Me: “Yes, Mom. Those damn jews. They are very evil and, ehh, jewish like that. One day we will show them.”
Mom (all relaxed and happy that someone agrees with her): “Yes. Yes, we will. So, sweetie, did you want any money?”
* and….Scene ”
ok this is good point most of the time you can win and get what do you want from her
December 25th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
so THAT’S why you education didn’t take. noam chomsky is worth ten of you.
besides, your mom’s had a hard life.
December 25th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
great post
hehe, the mothers have this commun fate that their sons don’t share their positions, while they still love them, and I know of what I am talking about
December 25th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
Sounds like she be a hilarious mother in law!
December 25th, 2007 at 4:03 pm
she would line up the children next to each other on the wall, so that when she shoots them, she wouldn’t miss and waste bullets.
She’s a thrifty person. Charming.
You can have fantastic Book-smarts and still be a complete retard
Sadly true.
what if I did succeed and she saw the error of her ways? She would spend the rest of her life horrified of how she spent the majority of her life and she would try unsuccessfully to make-up for it and fail, because, like, how do you make up for something like that?
Oho! You’re the first Arab I’ve ever known who realized this. Perhaps the better question is why you don’t feel the same way.
The answer, I suppose, is that not only are you innocent of such errors, you respect your parents yet you don’t feel as if they own your soul and therefore you don’t have to follow in the same path they did. How many other Arabs like you are there? What would the world be like if they could come out of the closet?
December 25th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
I’m a Coptic Christian and I bet you five bucks your mom wouldn’t hate me if we ever met!!! I would just kill her with kindness until she liked me…or shot me.
Well, at least she acknowledges that we’re all “Coptic” and not “Arab”…that’s a start, I guess. You should try and explain to your mom that odds are, somewhere down the line, your family descended from the Coptic Christians that she hates so much, whether it was 650 AD or 1800 AD.
What confuses me is how the hell did you turn out the EXACT opposite monkey?? And if your mom is one of the ’smart’ ones, how do ‘idiots’ feel?? Scary.
December 25th, 2007 at 7:37 pm
Your mother is a bona fide gem. Don’t ever try to change her. Her ability for self-delusion is fantastic! Mocha indeed.
December 25th, 2007 at 7:38 pm
oops. wrong URL
December 25th, 2007 at 8:31 pm
Ahhhh, it reminds me me of a family story.
My father (of blessed memory) was generally non-xenophobic, but wanted his children to marry within the religion. When my sister brought home a nice Catholic boy, he wouldn’t allow him in the house. My Grandmother (also, of blessed memory), on the other hand, was truly xenophobic (what with the Holocaust in her past, it was in some sense understandable). When she heard that her son wouldn’t allow her granddaughter’s beau in the house she smacked him in the head. He was a nice boy after all, and religion just wasn’t so important to get in the way of love.
My father let him in the house. My sister married him in 1982, and they are still very happily married.
December 25th, 2007 at 8:40 pm
A pity..begad. But the Mocha babies could be seen as a change in the right direction=) There’s hope! Love will find a way.
December 25th, 2007 at 10:39 pm
Awesome!!
Happy Blogiversary!
December 26th, 2007 at 10:47 am
What can I say? My father talks almost the same way about The Jews. You’re right education doesn’t make people more tolerant.
December 26th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
so THAT’S why you education didn’t take. noam chomsky is worth ten of you.
Wonderful, hilarious! In the same way as SM’s mom, of course.
December 26th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
Yep, I a few relatives like that myself. When they speak of minorities, they always use their epithets. The people who’ve been the target of their bigotry has varied over the years. When I’ve argued with them they always say I’m naive and I will eventually come to their point of view. Hasn’t happened yet.
I suspect they’re just the type of people that need someone to hate. Makes them feel superior.
December 26th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
Yep, I have a ton of relatives like that:)
I can’t help but laugh when my Uncle gets impatient at IHOP and says,” Where’s our damn food? Hell, what are ya doin..growin those damn chickens back there?”
Speaking of Christians..my nephew said the cutest thing at church the other night. He was coloring on the offering envelope and asked his mom for some money…
Okay, now, think of a Southern Baptist minister.
My nephew 4yrs old, raised his hand and said,” I’m sendin it up to Jesus!”
December 26th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
We had family friends who swore that if either of thier kids ever brought home a white boy/girl, they would never talk to them again. My oldest brother had a baby with a white woman. About a year after the baby was born my mom mentioned something about her to this wonderful couple. The wife said to her with a totally straight face…you havent gotten rid of “that yet” The only reason my mom didnt cuss her out is she knew that thier son had been on dating a “white girl” all through high school and college but to his parents they were just good friends. (that was ok I guess). It was all talk. They went to the eventual wedding and when the babies were born!! well that changed everything. Has your mother actually had any Mocha grandchildren?
December 26th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
“Noam chomsky is worth ten of you.”
He probably charges more than ten times as much for an interview. Is that what you meant?
December 26th, 2007 at 5:46 pm
“The people who’ve been the target of their bigotry has varied over the years.”
Except that somehow the poor old Jews are always on every bigot’s list.
December 26th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
Don Cox;
Some of my bigoted relatives are Jews.
December 26th, 2007 at 7:26 pm
This isn’t too far off topic: Could a Jew Join the KKK?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiiPs3na2CU
December 26th, 2007 at 9:23 pm
Don, Xylo,
There’s nothing about being Jewish that keeps you from being xenophobic. But there’s everything about being a practicing Jew that keeps you from acting on it.
mikek,
I suppose a Jew could secretly join the KKK, but it’s hard to understand why he would, considering that the KKK is an antisemitic organization.
And now, a quote from Tom Lehrer:
Oh the Protestants hate the Catholics,
and the Catholics hate the Protestants,
and the Hindus hate the Moslems
and everybody hates the Jews.
December 26th, 2007 at 9:40 pm
“This isn’t too far off topic: Could a Jew Join the KKK?”
Impossible. Circumcised penis is dead giveaway.
December 26th, 2007 at 9:41 pm
BrooklynJon,
That’s too funny - I was just about to type up the same song!!
My dad has it out for Hispanics, with their foreign language and their “stealing jobs from Americans” ways.
It’s sad when you start realizing just how human (and by that, I mean pathetically flawed) your parents are.
December 26th, 2007 at 10:50 pm
leo,
I had no idea the penis was part of their secret handshake!
Kate,
Great minds!
For me, realizing my parents were (and that my mom is) human has been liberating. I feel like I can be imperfect and still have a child as perfect as me!
I, for one, don’t mind Hispanics. I just wish they’d come here legally (like many do) and learn English.
What does gall me are all the people who come here and talk about how it was back in “My Country”. If their country was so great, why aren’t they in it? My great-grandpappy got down on his hands and knees as a daily ritual and kissed the ground. And if you asked him about the old country, he’d hit you with his hat and tell you to shut up.
December 27th, 2007 at 12:07 am
Brooklynjon, yea, they get here and start rearranging the furniture. They come here because of the way we are and then start telling us all about where we’re going wrong.
December 27th, 2007 at 1:16 am
I’m surprised that your mom acknowledges that all Egyptians are Copts and still has it out for Christians? Doesn’t she realize the white Europeans she loves are also Christian?
Also, from the impression I get, Egypt’s elite circles, of which your family is probably a part, is very well-integrated between liberal Muslims and Christians.
December 27th, 2007 at 4:23 am
In as much as everything that is evil in this world is the fault of the Jews, I have to report that Islamic radicals cannot hold a candle to Croatian fascists.
I am now working with the son-in-law of a WWII war criminal who killed about 1 million Serbs, Jews and others. I have lost count of the praises of his
daddy in law, and Adolph Hitler.
I managed to convince this old fart that I am Jewish in order to shut his trap.
This approach did not work as the individual in question is congenitally stupid.
I end our morning safety meetings with a daily quote on stupidity. The problem with these kinds of people, is that you cannot reason with them.
And in the case of my co-worker, he is too stupid to be insulted. The only
remaining hope is that future generations can see through the fog of bogotry.
The many Middle East Blogs I am reading are giving me hope that these
irrational hatreds can be conquered.
My favorite is a quote by Albert Einstein: “The difference between genius and
stupidity is that genius has it’s limits.” The Internet has given me a lifetime
of materail to use against this mindless bigot.
December 27th, 2007 at 6:07 am
“I suppose a Jew could secretly join the KKK, but it’s hard to understand why he would, considering that the KKK is an antisemitic organization.”
Dude…watch the link. It’s funny and he is whiter than Hitler.
“My dad has it out for Hispanics, with their foreign language and their “stealing jobs from Americans” ways.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uORAyORWRAA
December 27th, 2007 at 6:18 am
I’m white and Christian, so I guess your mom would kiss me on one cheek while slapping me upside the head. LOL!!!
December 27th, 2007 at 10:09 am
Example on how to deal with Islamist fundies:
By the way, that’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Fucking disturbing, but funny.
December 27th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Kate in NYC;
My dad has it out for Hispanics, with their foreign language and their “stealing jobs from Americans” ways.
This attitude always busts me up. Notice how no hatred is directed to those doing the hiring -their fellow Americans!
December 27th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
“The problem with these kinds of people, is that you cannot reason with them.”
Actually, it is rare to be able to change anyone’s mind about anything by reasoning. It happens occasionally, but most of us are a collection of brick wall prejudices.
December 27th, 2007 at 8:45 pm
I was just joking to my husband’s evangelical cousins the other night about what it was like when he started seeing me…
“Okay, everybody. Jimmy’s girlfriend is a Satanist (aka Mormon). He seems pretty serious, so there’s not a lot we can do but pray and not look her directly in the eyes.”
Too funny.
December 28th, 2007 at 6:14 pm
islamic fundie allah akbar????? Dude you are becoming a bigger and bigger jerk off the more i read your posts…
December 28th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
It probably won’t help to get her the book “God is not Great”. Enlightening.
SK
December 28th, 2007 at 7:16 pm
Man, your mom rocks… lol
I do have the same problem on my dad’s side… But he is okay with Christians, in fact most of his closest friends are christians… However, you should talk to him about Jews…. The point is he hates them, and when it comes to talk about Israel he down plays them….
Example: I have a documentary about the War of 1967… in this documentary the Israelis uncover a recording they have for Nasser and King Hussein during the war and Nasser was fabricating the war news… I told my dad “See, the Israelis could reach Nasser’s phone during the war… Still love him, hah?”
He answered “It is fabricated…. There was no mics in 1967 to record that :D:D:D::D:D”
Amazing
Cheers
December 30th, 2007 at 4:11 am
You write great stuff. I thought only people from the US south could write such funny stuff about their weird cultural quirks. I have no idea if you are kidding or not but change the names and it all looks so familiar.
A North Florida Redneck
December 31st, 2007 at 1:11 am
Sandy
With regard to Koreans, your mother is correct — they are tall.
From their long association with Americans, Koreans have developed a taste for dairy products. The result is that their children grow tall.
I live in Korea. I stand 5′10″ (178cm). Last night at the supermarket checkout, I stood in line next to two young (mid-twenties) Korean girls. Both were taller than I. And this is not an isolated instance.
The difference in height from the pre-war generation (70s and 80s) to the current generation (10s and 20s) is about a foot (30cm).
Keep in mind that Michelle Wie is Korean-American. At 15, she stood 6+ feet (182+cm).
December 31st, 2007 at 2:38 pm
antares,
interesting. related to nutrition (Calcium, protein, iron)? hormones in the milk? i never much thought about a dairy-height link, but you may be onto something.
December 31st, 2007 at 7:17 pm
Your mother may be racist, but you are trash to air her dirty way of thinking all over the internet. You show no respect to her and frankly she should kick you out of the house for what you wrote.
December 31st, 2007 at 7:17 pm
Antares - That’s interesting. If that’s the case I need to hook up my future children on Milk I-V’s as soon as possible! Lol
Happy New Year to all of SM’s readers!!
January 28th, 2008 at 6:54 am
LOL, did you kidnap my mom? I’m calling her in Egypt a.s.a.p.
too funny
May 15th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
roflmaool!! love ur mom too!