On Lebanese men

I was toying with the idea of writing a silly post on the different types of girls out there to date, kind of like "The Sandmonkey's guide to women of the region", only it wouldn't just be the region, it would involve different religious and political backgrounds, and a lot of generalizations and feeble attempts of humor. I had a problem writing the entry on Lebanese girls, because the only lebanese girls I've dated were Maronites, so I asked my lebanese Sunni friend Fatma if there are any distinguishing features or traits to Shia or Druze girls. She told me that she can't help me with that, but if my question was regarding men, she would know exactly what to tell me, and then the chat disconnected due to internet troubles on her side. She, cool friend that she is,  decided to continue the conversation by sending me this following e-mail, which I thought was so hilarious that it had to be shared with y'all. So, there ya go:

I can tell you, if this may help, that maronite men with
beards (who smoke and/or play a musical instrument, and are french-educated,
most often at college protestant or lycee), are by far, the best kissers of Lebanon.
They like to discuss Palestine, the
French Revolution, law, and obscure poetry. They listen to African Tribal Music
while smoking pot (if they smoke pot). The problem usually is introduced when
Family becomes part of the picture. Of the three Maronite Mothers i have met, they
seemed inclined to dislike me, probably because of my first name. Or maybe
because i am stand-offish. I really don't know.

Coming in (a close second) are Shi'a men who usually have either Communist
leanings, and/or are members of the Hezb. I have always been very attracted to
radicals, as long as they are not willing to blow themselves up for
"the" cause (but are willing enough to discuss it over dinner). They
tend to have long relationships with banet min il day3a, but like to
occasionally cheat on them with secular, leftist girls, like myself. The
positive aspect of this is that it is always very hot. There is no discussion.
It is usually straight to the point because it is always given that Resistance
is Right and anything else is plain wrong.

Coming in a distant third are the Druze men, who tend to be communist or
socialist with little grasp of what either means (using Jumblatt – father and
son – as a reference point), on the one hand, or have a profound, intellectual
grasp of both but subscribe to neither, on the other. Dating entails Nescafe at
AUB's maingate for long conversations about life, its meaning, and how
"Faith" is more important than "Organized Religion". they
will occasionally take you up for trips up to the day3a, so you can understand
"what they're all about". and yes, it's all about spirit.

Because they are usually jabal boys, they always have a certain charm. Arak,
mette, tawleh, mezze, marcel khalife. They are family-oriented at heart. They
are dating you, possibly with the distant hope that they could leave the
sectarian-abyss that is their life (inflicted unfairly upon them by their
family and their inability to marry out of their "faith"), but they
know that in reality, whatever semblance of a relationship you have will later
be eclipsed by more important sectarian realities. Druze boys, those of them
who don't have guns in their cars, that is, are sweet. they are warm. they are
like a bar of chocalate. you know that whatever satisfaction you get out of it
is short-lived, at best. but you enjoy it no less.

Then there are the well-to-do Greek Orthodox. They know how
to court a girl and are less obvious about getting straight to It. They are
polite. They are well-kempt. and they are well-mannered. Sometimes they are
mama's boys. That's okay, though, because they tend to be intrigued with the
idea of dating the "Other". So it's always sushi, great DvDs, and
making out in very posh night clubs that require reservations and heels.

Coming in last are Sunnis. Confused. Radical yet pretend to be Progressive. or
Progressive yet tend to be Radical. Rich, but sex-obsessed and/or sex-deprived.
Like to discuss the Ottoman Empire (who cares?) and the War in Iraq . And like nice cars but have bad taste in music. Good kissers but
don't know what to do, most of the time.

Comments

  1. She wrote somehere at the end:
    “Like to discuss the Ottoman Empire and the War in Iraq (who cares?). ”

    Why does she write “Who cares” here and not after all other subjects the other men bring up? Many of them you could answer with a who cares as well.

    At least talking about the Ottoman Empire makes more sense for a Lebanese than to talk about “Palestine” (what is that anyway?)

  2. Why does she write “Who cares” here and not after all other subjects the other men bring up?

    Probably because she is sunni and the grass is greener on the other side.

  3. Is your friend available? Because she sounds like so much fun. Great post.

  4. LooooL :D she’s cool, and this was a good read.

    I wonder if I’d be able to come up with the version on Jordanian guys :)

  5. This was completely hilarious…… my father is one of those first men, save the African tribal music/pot (AS FAR AS I KNOW…). And I don’t really want to know whether he would come in first as far as lovin’ goes.

    And just so you know–all those posts about Alaa Fataa arrested 2006, I used for a creative writing assignment for my English class.
    I don’t think I’d want to share it with you, though, as I’m damn sure there’d be something glaringly wrong with it you’d notice.

  6. anonymous says:

    If u found this hilarious then u r way 2 easily amused.

    Was actually quite basic and simplistic and she wasn’t remotely funny…I didn’t even crack a smile. But in all fairness, she is Lebanese..nice people, great food and all but let’s face it damouhoum ti-eel khaliss. Mafeesh akhaf min dam el misryeen.

    U, in fact, can be much much more amusing! U have that sarcastic, dry, witty sense of humour that keeps me reading u despite the fact that i rarely agree with what u have 2 say.

  7. anonymous, how would you know this is basic and simplistic unless you’ve dated lebanese guys? if you have, do you have any profound analysis that you’d like to share?

  8. anonymous says:

    anonymous kaman…luv ur name…lol…i have dated lebanese…ihowever, i’m no where near as witty and charming as the Monkey…so i won’t even try 2 be hilarious…i just don’t think u can lump men into categories based on their religious or ethnic background…sorry but that is simplistic

    people can’t be put into little categories or boxes…what does she base her judgements on…good kissers v. bad kissers? Sorry but that’s stupid…or what they like 2 talk about..sorry but not all men of the same religion have the same conversation topics….it’s like saying all Egyptian men have big, long dicks…and can fuck all night long…while i’m sure many do and can…not all…and in the mean while viagara sales in Egypt skyrocket after Ramadan…cuz some guys need a little help from the little blue pill as they call it…

    all maronites are not good kissers…yes i’ve kissed one…not all druze r da3ya people…come on..even the intelligent, analytical, witty and sarcastic monkey can put his friendship aside and realize that this analysis was quite lame and worst of all..not even funny….but hey that’s just my opinion…if u found it 2 be a funny, amusing and an indepth analysis..then good 4 u…

  9. anonymous says:

    Oh and “sex-obsessed or deprived”could be any man in the Middle East…hell…any man in the world…lol

  10. lol @ testing. you’re probably right ;)

  11. she was clearly not being serious with her analysis nor was she submitting a phd proposal. the initial endeavour of the sandmonkey who you clearly worship was actually to lump females into categories based on sectarian backgrounds with alot of “feeble attempts at humor”… as per his post, so criticism lies there, with your God. he clearly would have done a better job but what’s the big deal? really. unless you’re a sunni lebanese male. it’s obvious that the simplicity was intended.

  12. anonymous says:

    Actually I think Sandmonkey is a bit of a jackass..no joke but amusing at times…still definitely an immature jackass….like most males…

    and yes i know she wasn’t being serious..the Key was..THAT SHE WAS NOT FUNNY!

  13. Nice analysis.

  14. RocketRay says:

    I came here looking for Lesbian women.

    /sadly disappointed

  15. in general, good read. light and witty though invested with stereotypes. i hope the person who asked “what is palestine” in the first reply to this post, was making a political comment and is not just plain ignorant.
    cheers!

  16. pink panther says:

    Being a lebanese girl, currently living in lebanon , ur friend is totally right…

  17. “They tend to have long relationships with banet min il day3a, but like to
    occasionally cheat on them with secular, leftist girls, like myself. The
    positive aspect of this is that it is always very hot”

    This is quite wrong…maybe she is saying this because she is Sunni and Sunni men prefer Shia women infact they adore them. Shia men being very into their roots are very proud of where they come from. They do not like Sunni girls…very rare. Infact Shia guys get very upset when Shia girls marry Sunni or Christian men. Shia men are very loyal ;) its the Sunni population in the Gulf that chooses to marry more than one wife. All in all we are all Lebanese and I love ALL Lebanese :) and we have one religion, Lebanese! hehe

    Other than that I enjoyed this very cute!
    I must agree on the part where the Sunni men want to talk about Iraq all the time lol. And the Greek Orthodox men being mama’s boys but want to try the other lol!

  18. Sandmonkey what does that mean?? There is no desert in Lebanon!

  19. Fascinating insight into the mind of a Lebanese (I think) woman. In all the time I spent in the Middle East (15 years +), I never got a frank inside look such as this. Well done.

  20. interested in lebanon says:

    i might be a bit ignorant on the subject but in wich categorie does the christian guys fall …greek orthodox???.. looool i would really like to know

  21. confuschia says:

    I hope someone can answer my question, though there hasn’t been much activity here in a while:
    Is it normal for a Lebanese man to be very aggressive in trying to get to know someone and also calling me ‘baby’ in his second voice mail when we haven’t even had one phone conversation? This is unusual behaviour for Canadians… Help! Should I block his number and hope to never run into him again or should I give him the benefit of the doubt?

  22. You forgot all of the Greek Catholic men, living in their home-made bomb shelters up in Hazmeyyah. C: Living in what used to be the French Embassy and eventually converting to Bornagain Christianity because of their inadequacy to produce enough “staw-dee Leeb-nohn-ee cheel-d’din” to achieve at least a minimal part in the Confessionalist government. Like a Secretary of the Treasury. Or even a janitor. They also have a tendency to buy abandoned parking lots and turn them into large shopping centers, and generally only get successful after some other bitch has got her stupid Maronite claws in them. :)

  23. Excuse me, what is a Maronite?