Next to the bed

The setting: Sequoia.

The Players: Me, R. (Financial associate, MBA Student, one of the most intelligent females I know), M. (a female acting coach who also sings a mean Amy Winehouse), A. (Structural engineer who is even a worse case of "know-it-all" than me), K. ( Brilliant Architect and Designer, also one of my closest friends) and J. ( American Lawyer who works in Irbil, and whom I think is now drafting what will be known in the near future as the Iraqi commerce law, really nice guy).

The event: R. Farewell Party after returning to the motherland for a 2 week vacation from her MBA program at Wharton.

The Set-up: R., who was staying in a hotel infested with Saudi tourists, but otherwise respectable, found a Viagra pill lying next to her bed (Make your own conclusions), and she is about to share the story, which I already knew, with the rest of the group.

R.: So, you guys, you will love this. So Yesterday, as I was packing my bags, I look under the bed to see if I am maybe leaving a sock or a shoe behind, and I find something really indicative of the nature of the Egyptian tourism industry. Can you guess what it was?

K.: can you be more specific?

R.: Well, what do Saudi tourists come here to do? Think along that lines.

J.: A condom?

R.: you are in the right direction, but take a step back.

A.: Sperm stain?

M.: Cum stain?

K.: A used condom with cum in it?

R.: No, no and no. You guys, a step back. Take a step back.

J.: Well I got to go to the bathroom, so you guys tell me when I am back. (He then leans towards me and whispers in my ear as he is leaving) you know, my next guess was a blood-filled Condom.

M. (speechless, mouth agape in horror, looking at the walking away silhouette of J. as if he is a toilet filled with condoms): OH MY GOD. THAT'S JUST FUCKING WRONG!

K.: What?

M.: What did he say?

Me: You don't want to know, trust me!

A.: But we do!

K.: Dude, if it disturbed YOU that much, I want to know it.

R.: Yes Sam, tell us.

Me: Fine. You asked. He said "a blood-filled condom".

(They all share the same look of horror that I had on my face as they all visualized it, and then an avalanche of "Ewws" and "Yucks" followed for like a minute, and then J. came back!)

R.: J., you sick bastard, it was just a Viagra Pill. That's it. What's wrong with you?

J. (looks at me all surprised): You told them?

M.: Of course I did. You want me to suffer from that mental image all by myself? I had to share it

R.: Yeah, thanks for that Sam. Thanks a lot.

M.: I just have to know, how the hell did you come up with that?

J.: It's just something I once saw!

M.: Where? In Iraq?

J.( solemnly while looking down): Nope. My fraternity!

Me (I stop for a minute, process what he just said and what it means, and then I pat him in the back and say with a sympathetic tone): Oh J. , You poor poor bastard!

J.: I KNOW! I know!

0 comment on Next to the bed

  1. EgyPeter
    March 25, 2008 at 4:37 pm

    Gulf Arabs have systematically and utterly destroyed Egypt!!

    And it ALL started with Nasser’s Folly – The ‘Arabization’ of Egypt.

    Sadly, we are now reaping what we sowed…

  2. anonymous
    March 26, 2008 at 12:58 am

    And u shared this story why?

  3. Masreya
    March 26, 2008 at 5:58 am

    Disgusting Arabs, destroying our country. Sadly poverty makes people sell themselves, their morals, and their country. Only issue is the price is way too high. The price is our honor and dignity.

  4. Marianne
    March 26, 2008 at 12:07 pm

    Arabs are not “disgusting, destroying our country” we are the disgusting ones destroying ourselves! We used to sell ourselves to people who don’t know how to use a fork, who didn’t use to wear shoes, while we had a great civilization and culture. Imagine the amount of money spent in Egypt on Saudi prostitution whether in nightclubs, hotels etc… they are importing prostitution money, while we are exporting them pilgrimage money!!! And before the whole world, they are the Holy Land, where they pray on time, women are all virtuous, they don’t drink alcohol!!!! They are the land of Believers, while Egypt allowed them to do do whatever they want giving them young Egyptian women for their prostituted marriages. I was once with my friend in a 5-stars hotel, and waiter came to us, giving us the room number of a fucking Saudi man! Of course he has been paid, and the Saudi is not to be blamed, he used to order and take, he used to pay and served!!!!

  5. superluli
    March 26, 2008 at 3:16 pm

    hehe i think i was sitting on the table next to you. Thank god i was too self absorbed to evesdrop.

  6. Masreya
    March 26, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    You cannot blame the victim. Poverty and the need for food and basics will make people do that, and way more. The Philippines and Thailand are in the same position as Egypt. Poor, with a huge population, and the need for money. Young people are easy to corrupt, and that is what they are doing. Roaming around and corrupting others.

  7. howard_coward
    March 26, 2008 at 8:08 pm

    I don’t understand.

  8. nony
    March 26, 2008 at 9:56 pm

    In my opinion, the reason they are disgusting is because they are big time hypocrites. I am not a muslim, but judging from my muslim friends here in egypt, when they egyptians are, they are pious by choice. Those who pray 5 times do that because they sincerely want to , not because there is a demented bearded man running after them with a stick. I have never known any to import eau de cologne with high alcohol content to drink it ( thus having leaking luggage). They do not go around preaching how all women should be covered up & tucked away while they are soliciting & inciting innocent young girls into prostitution. The worst thing is that some of our educated kowtow to those who are only culture consumers but claim they can come & teach us about everything! The printed word in our culture is almost quasi sacred & believable. Any blabla in a newspaper will find those who will believe it. We share the responsibility, but I still find them yucks

  9. Eclectic Infidel
    March 27, 2008 at 5:52 am

    Fortunately, my kitty is helping me to erase that mental image – she’s such the cuddle bunny.

  10. ohreally
    March 27, 2008 at 7:39 pm

    Speaking of disgusting arabs, Geert Wilders 15 minute movie, ‘Fitna’, can be found at All of it made with muslims own words and deeds.
    Tell me, do you agree with the suras and the commands to convert or kill the infidel? If not, then why so silent? If so, then fuck off.

  11. Jen
    March 28, 2008 at 5:24 pm

    It’s spelled C-O-M-E.

    Anyway, I haven’t kept up with you in a while, habibi…hope you’re well, me love you long time.

  12. eff
    March 30, 2008 at 1:48 pm

    Someone needs to see a urologist, pronto!

  13. Gard
    April 1, 2008 at 11:09 am


    SM spelling of “cum” is correct. “Come” means to come move towards something. “cum” is a reproductive fluid. If you want to be more precise, merriam-webster defines “cum” as:

    Etymology: Latin
    Function: abbreviation


  14. CarpetCaptain
    April 2, 2008 at 10:37 am

    I don’t have a moral criticism of any sex between any two consenting adults. What I do have a problem with though is the grandstanding and virtuous bullshit that the POS Saudis run around and try and promote afterwards. Whether its the funding of Madrassas ins pakistan or god awful big ugly mosques in Vancouver or London. They are a bunch of scum eating hypocrites. Banging whores that are of legal age though I have no problem with.

    What I’ve also found really moronic is that when I’m in Egypt and happen to take someone I happen to be dating home with me I have trouble getting into a hotel room with her when they hear me speak “egyptian” its perfectly ok though once they realize that I dont carry an egyptian passport and i’m actually a “foreigner”. So apparently getting laid is a right available only to “foreigners” but egyptians that aren’t married are doomed to a life of Palmela Handerson. And people wonder why young arabs/muslims are willing to go strap a bomb to themselves and blow (up). Apparently thats the only blowing they’re getting.

  15. brooklynjon
    April 3, 2008 at 3:53 am

    Which reminds me of a Limerick I once read:

    Lewinsky has recently shown
    What Kaczynski must surely have known
    That an intern is better
    Than a bomb in a letter
    When deciding how best to be blown

  16. forsoothsayer
    April 6, 2008 at 2:15 pm

    i love how i know (and indeed introduced you to) some of these people…
    R’s an easily shocked person. khalee el sha3b yestarza2. why not use these tourists as best we can? how are they ruining the country any worse than we are doing it on our own? all we know anyway is that there was viagra in R’s room. period. it could have been an egyptian person – they get impotence too.
    as to hypocrisy, what you think the saudi government represents eveyone? how do u know that the people building mosques etc are the same ones buying 10 yr old girls from their impoverished parents? grow up. oh yeah, that’s right – only muslims are blamed for the actions of all other muslims.

  17. J
    April 7, 2008 at 10:16 am

    Wow…thanks for sharing my sad, pathetic, disgusting, etc. story with the world 😛 However, I feel it is important to clarify: Though it was something I heard discussed a few times, often referred to as, if I remember correctly, the Erie Meatball Sandwich, thankfully it was never something I ever witnessed. Still, the flashbacks…so disturbing…makes anything I see here in Iraq seem tame…



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