A grinch, moi?

So a few days ago I was invited to a friend's engagement party at the Mohamed Ali Club. I usually avoid such occasions, but this one could not be avoided, primarily because he was a part of a group of friends of mine who passed through a trial-by-fire a couple of years ago that left us all as brothers, more or less. So, even though he isn't even in my "see once a month" list of friends, I had to attend his engagement party. There was simply no way around it. Two problems presented themselves immediately: the heat, and the fact that the party was a dry one. NO ALCOHOL ANYWHERE. Knowing that the first was unavoidable, I filled my pink flask (It was a gift…and it had birdies on it…don't ask! Damn you Jem!) with whiskey and headed out. 

Upon our arrival to the location of the party, one thing became abundantly clear to me: The flask doesn't close well. It became clear because the damn thing spilled all over my jacket and the car seat. The alcohol was no more. I decided not to panic, assuring myself that surely we can hit the bar there for drinks. Keep hope alive, you know? I should've taken the flask incident as a sign, a harbinger for a horrible evening, but I ignored the voice in the back of my head and decided to give the night at chance….that is until we walked into the party, and far in a distance, past all the guests in the open space and the dance floor…and saw the huge mural on the wall marking the end of the open space.

Ok, imagine a 40 feet mural with the following caricature on it: The bride, looking blissful and in love, looking up to the sky, to the image of her groom, who is only wearing pants and sporting 2 angelic wings, bearing down towards her, while holding a flowers in his hand. Did you imagine that? Yeah, ok, we had that facing us the whole night. What else was facing was was the throng of girls who came to this wedding specifically to find a husband. You know them by the way they dress: Their dresses are not pretty, nor do they come in any kind of likable color. They only have one quality: They show off the girls' breasts. It was like we died and went to boob heaven. They were all there alone, always looking around, a couple making sure to pace back and forth for no other reason but to be seen by everyone at the party. While I didn't admire their tactics, I did admire their dedication. It takes serious effort to look this desperate.

So, anyway, we decide to hit the bar and see what's up, to find that the morning bartender is gone and replacing him was this girl who I think is responsible for orange juice making (she was making orange juice when we spoke to her) and asked her if she had any Vodka. She perked up, and with a glint in her eyes said "Yes, I do!" and proceeded to give us a bottle of wine. When we pointed out to her that this isn't Vodka, she frowned and said "THAT'S ALL WE HAVE!", so we each grabbed a beer and braced ourselves to a long and harrowing evening. 

After being cooked in heat for two hours (that's what it felt like) the bride and groom finally decided to start the festivities. The DJ took the mice and said "Ladies and gentlemen, prepare for tonight's surprise: (The bride's name)". We weren't sure what was surprising about her name exactly( it was written on the invitations), but whatever. She appears at the enterance, the DJ plays the sound of imperial trumpets, and puts the spotlight on her, and she poses, and 10 men in suits appear behind her. She slowly descends the stairs, the 10 men in tow, as she slowly walks to the dance floor. She stands in the middle of it, with the 10 men standing in front of her facing the enterance, so you expect the groom to come from there. But noo…they were too smart for that. The groom didn't come from the enterance at all. The groom came from behind the dance floor…

…riding a motorcycle…

…while wearing a suit and a cowboy hat.

I shit you not!

He gets off the motorcycle, and he starts approaching the bride, but the 10 men stop him. He tries to storm in. They block him off again. He tries to jump over them, they stop him again. So he waves with his hands as if telling them that "He will show them" and then heads to wards the entrance and whistles, and suddenly, 10 girls appear, and start descending down the stairs towards the groom, while the DJ starts playing "Oh sexy lady" by Shaggy. Oh, please don't roll your eyes yet. It gets worse.

The groom starts walking towards the dance floor, with his posse of "sexy ladies" in tow. He reaches the dance floor and points towards the 10 guys, so each one of the girls goes to one of the guys, grabs him by the tie and takes him away, clearing the way for the groom to finally reach his bride. He steps up to her, takes her in his arm, and they start dancing to- help me god- Bryan Adams' "when a man loves a woman"!

Yeah!

And , I repeat, there was no alcohol. I wasn't on drugs either. There was no escape. 

And to make matters worse, everyone else but me thought that this whole thing "was very cute and very romantic". And it was at that moment, ladies and gentlemen, that I realized that I will never be mainstream, because that shit doesn't work on me. I don't find this cute. I find this tacky. I wasn't sighing in "aww's", I wanted to shoot people who were. Those motherfuckers, it's the engagement party and they are doing this? What the fuck will they do at the wedding? A three act play?

Thankfully I found a fellow grinch who thought that subjecting us to this shit, in this heat, without proper alcoholic refreshment was a cruel and unusal punishment, and we bolted a half hour later, during which we were grabbed at least 3 times by girls to go dance on the dance floor. Single egyptian girls are vicious, man. I have to go with a date next time. Only she might find this spectacle- or something similar- cute, and then I would have to dump her ass.

Life is just not fair!

Comments

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    sorry. but that was too funny. who comes up with this crap?

  2. EgyPeter says:

    Wait a second, Bryan Adams is awesome!!

    But it doesn’t add up cuz in the ‘Summer of ’69′ he was only 10 years old. lol :)

  3. So the moral of the story is don’t use pink flasks.

  4. Lol. I dont even know where to start with my comment. But trust me i could see every moment of it in my head as i read. That said i par shocked when my dad said it was an ‘islamic’ engagement. Ok maybe not shocked but mildly suprised :)

  5. OMG!!

    SK

  6. anonymous says:

    They actually do this sort of gay shit in Egypt?…i would have been laughing at how lame and gay it was…come on…didn’t u feel like just cracking up at how stupid it was

    Man I thought the wedding I went 2 in Desouq was strange with only the men belly dancing and hip thrusting and the women sitting and watching or should i say staring at them and us…the out of place foreigners…sounds downright boring compared 2 the music video…oops i meant engagement party…u went 2

    U so don’t fit in with a large chunk of ur society

  7. madconductor says:

    So I take it you went home and tied one on.

    I would have. And I’ll never own another pink flask.

    If you look up “corny” in the dictionary, I’ve posted this story.

    And don’t worry about that mainstream thing, man. Jeez. If that story is mainstream behavior, the word ‘normal’ has sunk to a new depth.

  8. Painful just reading about it. You’re lucky to have survived.

  9. Oh shit, someone’s done that already? Well there goes the idea behind my engagement party. Oh wait, I shall do this truly ejjebshan style and I’ll rip it off completely! I’ll just change the motorcycle to a horse and get Tamer Hosny to serenade us in the background.

    And then I shall barf up my colon, proceed to politely and quietly clean it up then take my leave.

  10. And there are children starving in Darfur

  11. I think I just died laughing….i don’t know how you contained yourself! And the little motorcyle bit sounded like a hick wedding in the States until the little show that followed the groom’s entrance. Honestly, with enough alcohol, I might have paid to see that crap!

  12. Reine.de.tout says:

    OK, that story is hiliarous! I’m just trying to picture it in my mind Sandmonkey, I’m with you – that sounds as if it was tacky beyond belief. And I loved your description of the girls’ dresses.

  13. Jonathan Levy says:

    Sorry, the story with the Orange Juice and no booze reminded me of a wonderful Yes Minister episode (“The Moral Dimension”) where they are going to a reception in some Persian Gulf state, and there is no alcohol…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UcvT5cr6Bk

    The relevant part starts at about 3:00

  14. Sounds like Bollywood to me :)

  15. CarpetCaptain says:

    The guy I really feel sorry for is the poor groom. Rest assured that no man wants any part of a charade like this one willingly. To make matters worse he had to survive it sans alcohol. Reminds me of a family friend’s wedding that was also dry, fortunately my dad and I knew this in advance and we ended up pouring a bottle of Grey Goose in a Baraka watter bottle. We had quite a chuckle at that but were grateful when the annoyingly loud music started and everyone started to dance. It would’ve been cruel and unusual withou auntie G.

  16. I think I just vomited in my mouth a little.

    I would NOT have survived that. I mean, at one point I even wanted to stop reading your post, but I couldn’t pull my eyes away! I can’t imagine how you felt watching that.

  17. Hey, … we had Bryan Adams’ “when a man loves a woman” on our wedding tape!! Bryan Adams is awesome!! :) It was a long time ago!!! :)

    Damn we missed out on the mural of the groom wearing only pants and angel wings thank goodness. Love can do crazy things to your higher reasoning skills!! Eghads!!! Self humiliation knows no bounds! If their kids see pictures or hear about it they’ll believe it’s normal and probably start some kind of 40′ angelicish mural cult movement, that’s how those crazy cults start I tell ya!! We can only hope that the bride and groom will see the err of their ways before they propagate! I did kind of like the breast wielding brides maids taking the groomsmen away for I’m sure what they thought would be meaningful relationships, albeit short ones! The only reason I ever went to such occasions when I was single! :) It’s a miracle anyone ever gets married after seeing something like this, SM I think you should seek medical help to erase the images from you memory. I think I might and I only read about it!!

  18. This was hysterical, and I only wish I was there! It sounds like a real laugh riot! :D

  19. Hahahaha .. be thankful that they did not dance to Titanic’s My heart will go on

  20. “they start dancing to- help me god- Bryan Adams’ “when a man loves a woman”!” That’s the very worst part of it. They couldatleast done the Percy Sledge version.

  21. I thought it was very funny in a corny sort of way, I terribly enjoy those bad movies who are so full of themselves.

  22. And I thought the my big redneck wedding show was bad.

  23. Apparently few here have been to some of the bar mitzvahs that are going down lately;

    This stuff was mild and in very good taste by comparison…and very thrifty too. Only saving grace….we tend to have tons for free booze…

    Did anybody there have to do the Electric Glide?

  24. carpet captain,
    I have known the groom these ten years and it’s SO the sort of thing he would like. he loves him some corny shit. i’m so glad i wasn’t invited…but doubtless i will be to the wedding and that should be insane.

  25. Do let us know how the wedding turns out then!!
    I’m sure they will cast you in a prime role in their live Hollywood blockbuster — you’ll be, i don’t know, the kidnapper trying to snatch away the bride but the courageous groom will come rescue her.

    However, knowing you, you’re likely to shoot the groom and doink the bride on the dancefloor.

    That should be fun.

  26. Oh no…. This is just so wrong.

    My sympathies….

  27. Was this Cairo or Las Vegas? LOL That is hilarious. !

  28. shit, that’s why i hate weddings
    this is the only time i feel truly sorry for you!

  29. ana Tafengi says:

    Me thinks the engaged couple will make a small profit if they sell the video of the event to the Egyptian masses. Say Sandmonkey, you don’t happen to have any bootleg copies?

  30. I would have burst out laughing had I witnessed that goofy skit. That’s not romantic. That’s from another era. How corny.

  31. As a matter of fact, I didn’t think it was corny. I thought it was original and creative. By the way – I was at the engagement and I had a blast. The only real problem was the heat. And if you were smart enough you would have brought your own alcohol like we did and you wouldn’t have had a pink flask in the first place. Now the pink flask – that’s what’s really corny.