Those undecided voters must be arabs!

As someone born and raised in the devil’s anus known as the
middle-east, I have cultivated a very special 
outlook when it comes to politicians: they are all fake, lying,
two-faced, soul sucking cash whores (No offense to actual whores intended, of
course). It doesn’t help of course that the supreme majority of our elections
are rigged, the supreme majority of the political promises that are made are
broken and  the supreme majority of those
elected have no interest, what s ever, in actually representing the people that
voted for them. So when you talk to an arab about a political election, it’s
actually pretty common to see them saying “what’s the point? Nothing will
change”. Double goes for any US election, for that matter.

You see, traditionally arabs are more inclined to vote and
identify with republicans: They support traditional family values, no abortion
for women,  a government that stays out
of their business and against the spreading of the gay Virus by any means
necessary. This is why the overwhelming majority of arab-americans in 2000, and
the majority of arabs in the arab world, supported the candidacy of George W.
Bush when he was still running for president, and also, because they didn’t
want a Jew “a heartbeat way from the Presidency”. They thought that once Gore
was in Power, the Mossad would assassinate him and the new President Lieberman
would send US armies to occupy arab and muslim land.  So….ehhh… they voted for Bush.  Nice going there, arab world.

So it is kind of understandable, that after 8 years of Bush
rule, arabs are pretty much confused in regards to who they should support.
Their values are still republican in nature, but they also don’t want to vote
for the Party of Bush. Arabs needed hope. Someone who will rise to the occasion.
Someone who will assuage their anxiety, after 8 years of living in fear that
they might wake up and find the statues of their dictators being torn down, and
democracy getting offered to them on a silver platter. Someone who won’t make
them feel that they might be sent to Gitmo every time they have  to go through special screening at passport
control.  Someone who will show them that
he is not an enemy of the arab, muslim and tanned people. And God answered
their prayers, and gave them a Black guy with an arab name and a muslim family
background, who talked a good game and who told them- well, kind of hinted
actually- that he will be at their side, and then to prove it, went to AIPAC
and gave the elders of Zion who run it the oratory equivalent of
oral sex.

So as you can imagine, it’s hard to be not cynical about the
whole thing if you are an arab. Sure, McCain would like to return Iran to a
more peaceful stone-like age, but Obama wants to send troops to northern
Pakistan- the only muslim country with Nukes and an unstable enough population
to actually use them- and return us all to the stone age. Arabs do have hopes that Obama
is just saying that to get elected though. That in reality, if he could do it
without America watching, he would give us one of those winks Sarah Palin has
become so famous for, as if to tell us “Just kidding arab world. Just kidding!
And as for the Israel supporting stuff, I am just saying that now. Just wait
till January and we shall see about that.”

And that, in a nutshell, is how arabs are perceiving the two
choices. Their only hope , ironically, is in the belief that Obama is lying to
get elected, and that he is secretly on their side, because McCain has made it to
explicitly clear that he isn’t anywhere near it.

And they say the choice couldn’t be easier.
Ahh..decisions, decisions


  1. love this! hilarious

  2. The big secret, they aren’t really undecideds. They are McCain supporters who don’t want to be bothered. Union members who are afriad to answer, Hillary supports who won’t vote for BO, and republicans who don’t want to be called racists. The PUMA voters are also lyng to the pollsters on purpose to make it so no one listens next time. A lot of us figure this boosts Obama’s numbers by at least 10% so expect big surprises tomorrow.

  3. Go, Ohio! Go! Pull IN and PA with you!

    Any chance IL go red? That is what people call poetic justice. Or, well. One can dream.

    I’d love to hear concession speach from the podium in Grand Park.

  4. ‘speech’

  5. “Pakistan- the only muslim country with Nukes and an unstable enough population to actually use them” … hehe.. what an observation.

  6. WooHooo!
    It’s over, it’s over,
    Halleluia, Halleluia
    Its over, it’s over
    Halleluia, Halleluia
    gasoline is only 1.99 here!!
    Oh! And I am proud to say that I did not steal or forge any elementary art

  7. Halleuiah!!

  8. Halleluiah!!


    is sandmonkey a arab? or jew?

    And why comment somthing about arab unity? if he is not arab!

  10. it’s a beautiful day this is just not cool on many levels!!!!!!!

    whether it’s the first african american or the first woman vp, it’s a beautiful day. and 9 grow up!!!!!

  11. Nice article!

    My impression is that Arab-Americans are quite pro-Obama… Largely for his foreign policy positions. He says he will talk to people in the Middle East (before bombing them to a more peaceful stone age, perhaps? yeah, a tad of cynicism), he will intervene in humanitarian crises even if they don’t occur in oil-producing countries… and a flurry of pretty cool-and-interventionists-and-seemingly-altruistic suggestions crafted by his advisors (Samantha Power being an important one).

    Although right now, my impression is that Arabs will be joyful next January – anyone will be perceived as better than Bush!

  12. ‘he will intervene in humanitarian crises even if they don’t occur in oil-producing countries… and a flurry of pretty cool-and-interventionists-and-seemingly-altruistic suggestions crafted by his advisors (Samantha Power being an important one).’

    and john lennon decend from the heavens and free us from all forms of evil…we will smoke dubes, drop acid and love one another.

    now back to the real world where i doubt a marginal harvard professor will have any say.

    1 bob gates shall remain at defense. (very prudent)
    2 rahm emmanuel is the chief of staff pick (daddy was an irgun leader)
    3 a deficit the size of the grand canyon.
    4 the chicago school has now officially become the treasury.

    btw there’s a horse race between caroline schlossberg (sentimental grandpa joey’s old seat) and oprah, over uk ambassadorship.

  13. Yay, yipee I voted, but you know what really ticks me off?
    Whatever happened to “every vote counts!”? I really think *BOTH* candidates
    are pretty amazing, AND it took me a long time to make a final decision.
    What a freaking waste of my time and energy thinking about this election, only to come home and realize nobody really cares how the other half of America votes!!! Come ON peoples!!!
    What kind of message is that giving America to declare a winner before everyone has had the opportunity to vote? Kind of like “It is your duty to vote, but your vote really doesn’t count anyway, sorry.”
    AND people are not all “hey, go vote.” they are foaming-at-the-mouth, rabidly vicious psycho animals when it comes to, you are going to rot in hell if you don’t vote kind of attitude.

  14. Oh, I’m not Arab BTW

  15. Now I have to go sift through my emails and assure myself that
    Jesus still loves us, and doesn’t care who we voted for. People who make politics a religion are scary. I mean psycho scary. I am totally getting into this Ameicans for Change theme, and starting it with my phone number :)

  16. Sandmonkey, you have lost your compass, dude!

    I love how you emply the word ‘arabs’… You are not snarky. you are probaly Egyptian and just found a new way how to make big cash by speaking to Billybob and Mary jane of Oaklohoma.. Good luck, sandy, I would reccomend leaving the middle east and joinning the State of Cotton Eye Joe.