Those poor unemployed Gitmo interrogators

This piece is fictitious, of course, but funny nonetheless

I caught up with a few of these interrogation specialists at a bar just outside of Guantanamo and this was indeed the sentiment.  Terry (not his real name), an associate in the interrogation department, said he’s in complete shock and never saw it coming:  “When I joined right after 9/11 my recruiter told me that with the current political climate bein’ what it was, there would always be a market for a person with good water-boarding skills…now it’s just ‘See ya later, Terry. Maybe try starting a dog walking business.’ ”

Honestly, what do you put on your resume after spending a couple of years wokring as a Guantanamo Bay interrogator? And where do you apply for work? I am thinking HR might be a possibility, but the idea of dealing with waterboarding on a first interview is just unpleasant. I mean, it better be a really cool job. Like really really cool!


  1. Tricky, But I think I have a few descriptions that might work. How about this… I worked “Human Resource Management Department” where I honed my “negotiating skills.” Or … “Information Technology Technician” specializing in “Information Retrieval” from unresponsive wetware :)

  2. Marie Claude says:

    send t’em into Afghanistan, I guess it’s still on there

  3. Actually, they are probably being recruited right now by various middle eastern governments, oh and the Obama administration, though probably for domestic uses.

    And I bet if SM had a choice he’d rather be kidnapped in the middle of the night by US special forces and sent to GITMO than be arrested at the lunch counter, in front of witnesses, at 12:00 noon, in Egypt by Egyptian police……

  4. I hate to be the wet blanket on the joke, but there was no waterboarding done at Gitmo. The three terrorists who were waterboarded were done by the CIA at black prisons probably in Iraq or Eastern Europe. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Abu Zabaydah, and Ramzi bin al-Sheeb were all waterboarded less than a minute each by the CIA, after which they broke and started talking. Zabaydah lasted 35 seconds after which he told his interrogators that Allah had come to his cell and told him to talk.

    All three were perpetrators of the Sep 11 attack who deserve whatever happens to them.

    For the most part, the violence done at Gitmo is mostly prisoner on prisoner and prisoner on guard. The Saudi and Yemeni prisoners at Gitmo demand the Afghan and other prisoners do things their way, especially with regard to Islam. When they refuse, the Saudis and Yemenis attack them in the yard.

    The Gitmo prisoners second most favorite target are the guards, which are assaulted daily. They go after the medical people, too, who naively thought that the Gitmo prisoners would not attack somebody trying to help them heal. Wrong. One Gitmo prisoner socked a nurse who let her guard down right in the face, smashing her nose, sending blood spraying. Then he loudly demanded his clothes be changed, saying the blood of the infidel whore had defiled him.

    The Gitmo guards, by contrast, are forbidden to abuse the prisoners. When one prisoner attacked a guard, another guard hit the prisoner several times with a radio in his hand to subdue him. That guard was punished and demoted for inappropriate use of force.

    The prisoners at Gitmo are simply trash, making cocktails of their urine, feces, semen, and vomit to throw on the guards. They are racists and sexists who shout racial and sexual epithets at the guards. They are deviants who masturbate in public when they see a female guard.

    As for the interrogators, they are pretty much reduced to simply talking to their subjects, which is the most effective interrogation technique of all. Many prisoners are proud of being jihadis and brag about it. You can’t keep them quiet. The interrogators are allowed to reward them for talking with snacks and privileges. The subjects take the snack wrappers and weave them into ropes with which they hope to garrote the guards or hang themselves.

    However, that’s not to say that Gitmo does not have practices which inspire horror in it’s prisoners. For example, many Gitmo prisoners have been terrified to find themselves freed from Gitmo and sent home to an Egyptian or Syrian or Jordanian prison. Witnesses say many such prisoners, standing on the tarmac, waiting for their jet, beg to stay at Gitmo.

  5. FXを学ぶ。