A Personal Ad!

A young, 27 year old Egyptan male who is fantastic on paper but so-so
in real life is seeking the following traits in his life partner:

She needs to be a redhead ( FIREBUSH!). She needs to have big eyes.
Like Zooey Dashnal Eyes. She needs to be smart but not nerdy, fun and
unpretentious. Deep down has a warm heart and a loyal spirit, but also
a mean streak to make things more interesting. I don't need a victim to
defend and protect. I want a woman, who, when the world is ending, will
grab a gun and help me rob the Lexus dealership!

She has to be artsy. I want someone who will look at the world through
an artist eyes, and provide me with a truly different perspective on
life. She has to be one who does installation arts and body paint and
build sculptures using mud that we can wrestle on and have sex covered
in. Also, she has to be a pyromaniac. I need someone to burn the world
with.

She needs to have no ideological inclinations or political leanings,
although nihilistic anarchism is acceptable. She needs to hate society,
and its norms and rules, and punch any girl i know who would put what
society thinks over her own happiness (I will punch the guys who do
that). She would need to figure out what it means when a Japanese
Vibrator sends her a coded telepathic message that- when
deciphered-states that a single cloud floating alone in the sky
contains no duck sauce. Her family has to be either totally awesome, or
completely dead, because my side has enough drama for the both of us,
and the morgue doesn't need anymore dead bodies.

She needs to love magic and hate Broccoli. She doesn't have to have the
same musical tastes as I do, but emo and 80's pop music (with notable
exceptions) are grounds for separation. Bonus points if she only likes
incredibly talented eccentric underground artists that will fill my
world with music instead of over-produced crap that I am programmed to
like.

She needs to be a relatively easy orgasmer (Women who have difficulties
orgasming with partners need not apply, at all. Go kill yourselves!)
who loves kids and hates condoms. She needs to be open to the idea of
living in Lebanon, Kenya, Thailand and Brazil before we hit 40. She has
to love to travel and try new things. She also has to love alcohol and
knows how to roll a mean blunt. Knowledge in pick pocketing and picking
locks a bonus. She must love poetry over Journalism, fiction over
reality, and Joss Whedon shows over CSI crap. She also must have
ridiculously high metabolism. And be a religious follower of XKCD!

Curly hair is a plus.

If you know someone who fits the bill, please send her over now and
don't expect a Thank You call for the next 6 months at least. We won't
have time, because we have adventures to go on, you boring dull
miserable lot. :)

Comments

  1. Eligible matches send applications and a picture to sandmonkey@gmail.com? :D

  2. Beside the redhead I am actually dating ur fantasy woman!

  3. Wow, so that story about using my credit card to help my neighbor get back into her house might actually impress someone?

    Och, too bad I like broccoli. ;)

  4. Oh, monkey, you don’t know what the hell you want, and won’t until years after you already have her. Good luck in the lottery.

  5. Yeah right.

    I guess you really like being a bachelor!

  6. But do we get a picture and description of you, so we can know what we’re getting into before we respond?

  7. This is the best thing I ever read.
    Now I want to go kill myself – realizing how ridiculously hopeless it is.

    Also, for all of you who saw the mention of XKCD and felt a nice tingling sensation, I’d recommend you also visit
    http://www.pbfcomics.com/?cid=PBF041-Sun_Love.gif
    And also
    http://www.asofterworld.com

  8. Zooey “Dashnal”? Really?

    You linked to a picture that had her name spelled correctly :)

    And yes, that is all I had to say. :P

  9. Gee, SM, one couldn’t possibly guess that you were in Boston once!

  10. Melissa in NorCal says:

    Hmm. The world is probably full of such a woman as you describe. ;)

  11. You are placing a personal ad on your own website?
    LOL!
    Awww…if you were only older..sigh..:D
    The installation art thing is kinda ew..you are looking for an exhibitionist.

  12. What! Found another spare blender f…f.. for a matchmaker?

  13. Zooey chick has the eyes of a dairy cow…yicckkk

    Sounds like a cool Israeli chick that was in the army could fit this bill…the Aschkenazi girls are often redheaded…

    now if she had Petra’s spectacular titties…match made in heaven

  14. All I want is a sexual submissive with lots of money who looks like a cross between Renee Zellwegger and Janene Garofalo. And who loves me to death. Easily manipulated is a plus.

    I think my chances are slightly better than Sand Monkey’s. And I wonder if SM frequents the same porn sites that I do.

    Sand Monkey: if you ever actually find the one, never, never ever, let her see your post. Especially after you’re married. It would be grounds for divorce.

    With women, a sense of humor only goes so far.

  15. Damn you are picky. You’ll catch a better selection of fish if you cast a wider net.

    Nonetheless I have an excellent candidate. She fits all your criteria. Except for the red hair, which she may be willing to dye. Plus, she is legally a woman now.

  16. If you find her, see if she’s got an older sister who might be available. I’ve always had this thing for redheads.

  17. Yep, that porno stuff has got to go.
    We shall help you, SM.
    Are you Muslim? What is your religion? We need more info.

  18. Let me know if you get any extras.

  19. whats the obsession with billy joel eyes inflicting egyptian men!!!! thirty years ago they had a fat fetish, now it’s bug eyes!

  20. ” a single cloud floating alone in the sky
    contains no duck sauce”

    uh

    ok

    .

  21. Alak Dashnal. He2 He2.
    Go get a hooker already man…
    Women are just big cumdumpsters.

  22. I personally want to see this happen – a social experiment right under our noses! Please, take a photo of your kids for us so that we can have a good laugh at his/her misfortune of being both ginger and tanned. Bonus points if they’re dressed in red. Ha ha.

  23. I personally want to see this happen – a social experiment right under our noses! Please, take a photo of your kids for us so that we can have a good laugh at his/her misfortune of being both ginger and tanned. Bonus points if they’re dressed in red. Ha ha.

    PS. Props to the person who linked to ‘A Softer World’ – it’s been an old favourite of mine. Maybe it’ll soften the obstinate morons who pass by here.

  24. davis bradley says:

    Hang in there – she does exist.

    I met her once in Sevilla and we had one heck of a week there before she had to go back to her home in Rio. We stayed in touch for a few months but then drifted away. I should have tried harder but, at the time, didn’t have the funds to fly to Brazil. Anyway, she’s exactly the kind of girl you have described (but doesn’t speak english – which was actually very sexy).

    Met her once before in Caracas – same girl but she was Colombian. What an incredible 5 days – like a dream. Her dad was a higher up in the Colombian Army so I knew that couldn’t last.

    I met her once in Panama City in 86 but she was with someone else. She turned out to be an agent for Cuban DGI so that was that… Man was she hot. I might understand why someone might turn over some expired crypto keys for that… I think her ex did just that and is probably still locked up somewhere.

    And I’m pretty sure there’s several versions of her in Lebanon, Tel Aviv, Moscow, Jakarta, Cairo, et al.

    Anyway, don’t settle dude. She’s out there and she’s worth waiting for. Problem is if you settle for something else – something easier – more convenient, the SHE will plop right into your lap and you’ll feel like dying.

  25. “She needs to be a relatively easy orgasmer (Women who have difficulties
    orgasming with partners need not apply, at all. Go kill yourselves!)”

    So, are you taking any personal responsibility in this regard or do you just expect women to have a good imagination?