Everytime I think I am out…

…Qhaddafi pulls me back in.

It's just not fair. I was on self-imposed exile, attemting to teach myself HTML, CSS and Photoshop design in order to redo this blog once and for all and not count on other people's empty promises again, and all I wanted was one more day free of blogging. Just one. but noooo… Can't have that.Not with Qhaddafi duck around.

So, apparently, my personal favorite middle-eastern leader was up to his old antics of ruining yet another Arab League meeting by acting crazy, by disrupting the opening session in order to insult the current Saudi King, calling him a "liar" (check), a "british product" (check) and an "american ally" (check checkity check). And yes, apprently in the world of the arab league, being called an american ally is an insult nowadays. Anyway..So the Emir of Qatar- always the savvy diplomat- switches the Mic of Qhaddafi off, because, as wel all know, when you do that, Qhaddafi shuts up? Ehh..no…her usually storms out. Only this time, he did it with style:

But when the emir of Qatar switched off his microphone, Col Gaddafi
insisted that he could not be denied the right to address the summit as
- he called himself – the dean of the Arab rulers, the king of kings of
Africa and the imam of Muslims.

Amazing. Well, he is the dean of arab rulers alright, having been in power longer than Mubarak himself, and that's saying something. But, as one of my friends countered, how could he call himself the King of Kings? Isn't the whole idea- or at elast, talking point- of the  libyan Jamaheria is that it's the people that rule? Is Qhaddafi, by doing this, acknowledging that he is the King of libya and that the idea that he is democratically elected to be a joke? 

Unfortunately for my friend, she is very very wrong, for brother Qhaddafi was appointed King of Kings of Africa by a bunch of african tribal kings, whom he surely paid handsomely for the honor. You see, he is the brotherly elader of Libya, but he is also the Tribal King of Kings. Two different titles. Two different jobs. Plus, it is generally not advisable to use logic when attempting to understand the working of the mind of the great Duck. You see, attempting to understand Qhaddafi logic is like attempting to understand God Logic: his ways are beyond our feeble and limited comprehension.

God bless you, brother Muammar. I definitely needed the laughs.

Sandmonkey rules for the day!

1) Just as a general rule: If a movie has a dog as a central character in it, it will either have a shitty story, or the dog will die, or both. Oh, and even though the lead actress will always probably be hot, she will never get naked in the film, ever. So suck on that, heterosexual men who paid money to go see Marley and Me.

2)When you start getting older, and you realize that you haven't accomplished any of your goals yet and else has failed, have a baby. It's a fantastic excuse, and it distracts people. For example: "Hey, late twenties/ early thirties dude, accomplished any of your goals or dreams yet?" " Ehh, well, no, but I had a baby. Isn't it cute?" "Aww..yes it is. Can I play with it for a while and not talk to you about anything important?" "Knock yourself out!".. Works every time!

3) Thinking that reading James Joyce' Ulysses will be such an easy task that you could accomplish it on the plane ride is…hehe…yeah…totally WRONG. Joyce, you Irish bastard. I will get past page 10, even if it kills me!

4) The older a person gets, the more prone to gathering clutter he/she will be, and will refuse to throw away anything. My Dad, who turned 65, has 10 big empty Nescafe jars in his room. When I asked him why he keeps them, he replied that we might need them one day. I squeezed my mind trying to come up with the emergency scenario where we would need 10 empty Jars of Coffee..and yeah..totally blank.

5) My God can beat up your God. Like, totally beat up. Just a friendly reminder!

On Palestinian leadership

You know, it doesn't matter how many times I say it, there are still people out there defending the Palestinian leadership in both of its Hamas and Fatah incarnations. So, ehh, how about I let Nizo here do the talking:

However, the top spot in my maslakh list will always be reserved to our notoriously malicious and incompetent Palestinian leaderships. Not only would I like to take them to the maslakh,
but I would free the goats and invite them to Gaza and Ramallah where
they would replace them. Do not attempt to convince me otherwise, our
ungulate friends, if given the appropriate powers will actually make
better decisions.

This is fast becoming my credo, especially as
I examine our leaderships' inability to build any kind of functioning
pre-state, despite billions of dollars in aid money that has flowed
into our coffers since Oslo. I will also add that our Palestinian
voters who have elected these animals should also get an invitation to
the maslakh. Then I would
round up the millions of our arm-chair cheerleaders around the world
who continue to encourage "resistance" instead of holding us at least
partially accountable for the 60-year catastrophe that we have helped
perpetuate.

So Mr. Haniyeh, explain to me why that
cheeky Galloway deserves a Palestinian Passport, while my grandmother
who has lived in a refugee camp since 1948, and who clings to the key
to her old house can't get one?

I know the Zionist entity won't allow her into Gaza, but then what
about the refugees living in the camps of Jabalyah and Al-Shati? tell
me Mr. Haniyeh, why haven't you built homes for them in
Gaza's vacated Jewish settlements? Instead you continue to use the
"liberated" land to train the young and poison their minds.

In lieu of
undulating to "Shik Shak Shok", they wrap their waists in plastic
explosives and goose-step to the tunes of your fashistic songs, all
while you stroke yourself in excitement thinking of all the new Qassams
you'll be able to smuggle with the millions of dollars that will now
flow into Gaza after the bombardment you've helped bring upon their
heads.

But worry not ya Haniyeh, you and your hobbits aren't the only targets here. You were hardly imaginative with your gift to Galloway by the way:

Abu-Mazen
beat you to it, by bestowing Palestinian citizenship upon Daniel
Barenboim. Although I prefer the peace-loving pianist to the bombastic
Galloway, someone needs to remind Abu-Batata that his own people,
including my grandmother are more worthy recipients of such a
citizenship.

Again, I don't expect my grandmother's resettlement
just yet, give her something symbolic, a temporary passport but more
importantly an apology in the name of all the leaders before you who
stripped her of her humanity and used her as a pawn against other Arabs
and Israel.

In the meantime, what I do demand is a reformation of the PA, the removal of all the bahayem
who line their pockets with the aid money. Dollars we were very lucky
to receive in the first place. Wallah, African nations with more
pressing needs are starving while we sit back, multiply, beg for
handouts and get angry at the world when it doesn't go that extra step
and wipe our asses for us.

Speaking of asses, or goats, I will
continue to advocate for the removal of both leaderships and their
replacement with the latter, and while I don't expect to succeed, I
could at least convince some of our sheep-like cheerleaders, that
support for the Palestinians should come with a condition that we
reform and start treating our own people more like people, and less
like goats.

Amen!

Lieberman as Israeli foreign minister

I think I am the only arab excited by the notion of having Lieberman as the new Israeli Foreign minister, but then again, humor and anarchy excite me, and there is nothing funnier than having Mr. "Let's nuke the Aswan damn" be the next Israeli FM. I mean, can you imagine the hilarity that will ensue at peace talks? Can you imagine Lieberman attempting diplomacy? I mean, I wept when he came out third, not because it showed an ugly face for israelis, but because he didn't outright win this fucker. Imagine him as PM. That would've been the stuff of awesome.

In all seriousness, I think Lieberman is exactly what the doctor orderd at the moment, because, just by existing, he puts both arabs and Israelis on the spot and holds a mirror to both of their faces. Because of him Israelis had to, maybe for the first time, debate whether a country can both have an official religion and be a democracy at the same time. And because of him Israeli arabs, who keep reminding everybody how palestinian they are, had to face the fact that despite their "support" for Hamas or the PA or whatever, when push comes to shove, they would not give up their israeli passports to be reunited with their palestinian brethern. I mean, when I saw arab newspapers being furious over Lieberman's demands of stripping "disloyal" Israeli- palestinians of their israeli citizenship, I was like "wait, they want them to remain Israelis?", but I thought it was the "zionist entity", which is both illegal and immoral and needs to be dismantled. Whatever happened to that? Why the fuck would you want them to keep a citizenship like that one? Aren't those the same "traitorous palestinians" who sold out their land, cause and country for an israeli made-up citizenship? Now they are your people and you are fighting for their right to keep the citizenship of the country you call illegal? Is anyone paying attention?

Oh no, thank god for lieberman. He is the lattest addition to our middle-eastern insane asylum, and he is already proving to be more entertaining that Tzibi, Bibi and Barak combined. And now he is in power, which means we have a bunch of really fun days ahead. I can't wait till he starts to threathen to bomb Damascus as a way of negotiating peace in the Golan. That will be a hoot.

The Bahhai’s get their verdict in Egypt, finally..

Ok, so we finally have a verdict that is final and impossible to appeal that the Bahhai's can now have ID cards issued without a mention of their religion in the religion category. This will mean that theywill be able to lead a more normal and humane lifestyle, as opposed to the daily humiliation they would recieve in order to get any paperwork done with the egyptian government- from getting birth certificates, to applying to school and colleges to getting ID's passports, and death certificates. They were denied before in all of these categories, and now the egyptian legal system fucked up and did something right for a change. May they fuck up like that every day.

One has to wonder what the other ramification of this lawsuit might be, though. Will people start demanding to get their religious status removed as well, even if they are not Bahhai? Would that be possible? Is that a step in the direction of abolishing the religion category from the egyptian ID forever? One hopes, but that's still too far away. Too many people are clinging to it for reasons that simply do not make sense to me. So, if youa re one of those people, and you are against removing it, please ask yourself, what good, exactly, does it do?And if you have an answer, let me know. I am intrigued!

Cleopatra was a sistah

Hey, greeks, eat your hearts out. She was one of ours!

Hezbollah arabic lessons

I got this e-mail today from my friend in Lebanon, and i felt I just had to share it with all of you:

Greetings rom the bekaa, where my spoken Arabic is really improving these days, thanks especially to the party of god. Three of their goons just came to the house for a two hour visit. I said I would only answer their questions if they corrected me when I spoke so I turned it into a dars Al arabi. The guy who was asking all the questions – the bad cop, if you will – said in mild disbelief 'ana almtik arabi?' (I'm going to teach you Arabic?) and then proceeded to correct my grammar and pronunciation (even at times providing verb conjugations) throughout the excruciatingly boring process, which included questions like 'ah, so you visited a friend in Italy in 2004. Who was he? Only for Christmas? What does he do?' He photographs skateboarders… 'what do you do here? I study and cook during the day, and sew at night,' at which point I held up one of my micro-dresses I had been showing off to the neighborhood ladies this afternoon.Or 'what do you like to eat in lebanon?'

They kept saying that this was all for my own security so I imagine that now that they have my photo and my food preferences on file and everyone in the village knows me, in case someone who didn't get the 'stranger in our midst' memo comes up to me on the street offering a shawarma, all the shabab will jump in to protect me, saying 'NOO!!! she only eats falafel!'

I will admit I slowed down the process a bit by writing a flash card every time a new word popped up in our conversation.

I will also say they should thank their lucky stars for the donations of sophisticated anti-aircraft weaponry etc they are getting from other countries because their local intelligence agents were truly not impressive.

Not that it matters because the whole village is HA but they just lost the votes of this household. My fake Lebanese aunt just said 'fuck HA' before she went to bed, and she doesn't say much in English.f

and then this addendum in a seperate e-mail titles " And I forgot to add.."

 Worst of all, one was wearing double denim!!! Correct me if I am wrong but I am pretty sure that is labeled haram in the first or second sura of the quran, if not in the preface, author's note or even the front cover. 

Coming to Abu Dhabi tomorrow

I am coming to the land of the UAE tomorrow afternoon for 5 days of spending time with my two nephews (yes, I do have direct influence on young impressionable souls. Why do you think my sister moved to a different country?) and watching Dubai as it continues to burn to ash and cinder. If you are in town, please drop me a line at sandmonkey@gmail.com and let's meet up.

Have a lovely day! 

Disintegration

Do you know what's the first sign of your country slowly descending into anarchy is? Me neither, but I am guessing the story I am about to tell you probably qualifies for the first position, or at least the top 5.

The Egyptian Police, in all of its brutal stupidity, decided to fuck with a regular young man walking down the street. They asked him for his ID, and when he told them he couldn't give it to them, they took him to the police station, where they tortured him and then his dad later on. Unbeknown to them the kid was a student at the egyptian military academy, whose members are instructed not to show or handover their ID's to anyone who isn't military. So when the news of what happened to him reached his fellow cadets, they..ehh..declared bloody war on the police station in which he was detained. They pelted the station with stones, used tazers on the police officers, set 2 cars (one belonging to the station, the other to the sherif) and one police motorcycle on fire, and they tore down the sign post on the station, while singing and chanting military academy chants. The police couldn;t open fire on them without direct orders, which they couldn't get, because the army would've fuckin moved on anyone who would've made such an order, so the police could only fire his ammo in the air, hoping the military cadets would get scared. They knew the deal, so they didn't get scared and started to really taunt the  police and insult them, which attacking them. This incident, which got banned from being published in any newspaper or newschannel in egypt, is now referred to by the military cadets as "the battle of dignity". Oh, and it's on video(s), and you could find the videos here.

More of this please. 

George Galloway gets stoned in Egypt!

And no, not the good kind of stoned. The Jesus kind of stoned. But to further proof that there is no fair and just God, Galloway  himself wasn't hit with one stone. His people were, though..

A convoy led by the maverick MP George Galloway carrying supplies for Gaza has
been attacked in Egypt, apparently injuring several people travelling in his
party.

The convoy, carrying aid worth £1 million, was pelted with stones and
vandalised with anti-Hamas slogans after it stopped overnight in El-Arish, a
small town around 28 miles from the Rafah border crossing with Gaza.

[...] 

During a power cut – which is a frequent occurrence in the town – children had
pelted the convoy with stones, a security official said.

"It's an absolute disgrace,'' convoy organiser Yvonne Ridley told the AFP
news agency. "The power was cut. Under cover of darkness members of our
convoy were attacked with stones.

Hey man..they were just expressing their freedom of speech…like that shoe thrower guy..Chill out. 

Is that Jesus in my Beer?

Jesus in your Beer, Allah on a fish, and the Madonna on toast. God is truly everywhere! ;)

Obama’s war on terror

His people are using Bush's people tactics. Anybody surprised? Me not!

Spreading Apartheid discourse

Nizo, the hilarious palestinian gay blogger, finally gives in to peer pressure!

To be a woman in Egypt!

Someone sent me this, and it's spot on!

A look at social sites

Whomever made this study is an evil evil man.

AlBeshir is getting tried for War Crimes

The ICC issued the warrant for his arrest, and he is telling them to go fuck themselves. In other news, the egyptian lower house of parliament- the Shura council- has just issued a statement rejecting the indictment and saying that it doesn't apply to Sudan's President because he never signed the ICC agreement….since…you know.. he was too busy killing his own people.

The Future kinda sucks

Gotta agree with Roba on that one!

McCain on Twitter

Oh, John, you should know the answer to your question by now!