Fuckin Hymens!

The Egyptian Parliament is in uproar, the newspapers can’t seem to stop talking about the impending crisis, which spells doom and gloom to the Egyptian society. But what is the issue that is uniting the Egyptian opposition and the government, and is so urgent that it took not one, but two session of the parliament to discuss? Unemployment? Food Riots? Swineflu? The Jooz, again? No, the answer is far more sinister than that, and it even has a sinister Japanese sounding name to accompany it: GIGIMO. And ladies and gentlemen, it’s a hymen.

Proving one more time that when it comes to Muslim women, it’s what’s between their legs, Egypt is simmering over a Chinese device that fakes female virginity. The device is reportedly available in Syria for $15 and is quite popular. No one knows if the device is being sold in Egypt yet, but just the mere thought of a device, which is said to release liquid imitating blood, allowing a woman to fake virginity on her wedding night, has driven the conservative society crazy.

One Egyptian Muslim scholar demanded that people who bring the device into the country should face the death penalty, and The Muslim Brotherhood wants the kit banned on grounds it will encourage promiscuity. The Muslim Brotherhood, it seems, believes that Egyptian girls are super sluts who are only stopped from sleeping with anyone they meet in the street by their tiny hymens. Anal sex, on the other hand, is still Kosher, and encouraged.

The crazy fuckheads (my pet name for misogynists everywhere) are not content that their ideology has put headscarves on the heads of 90 per cent of Egyptian women. Now it’s the horror of uncertainty about that “good girl” they marry: “What if someone else was there first? What if she knows how small my Penis really is?”, they seem to ask. They used to be able to kill any girl who was found without a hymen, and now they might never get to kill another girl again. The thought of that is clearly upsetting to them.

This obsession with virginity is both shallow and deadly. And you know what? People in Egypt are having sex outside of marriage, as they do everywhere. Never mind that 25% of all women are born without hymens either, or that Hymen reconstruction surgery is still an option for sexually active women who could afford it. But the danger of GIGIMO is its utter cheapness. Honor, it seems, was only worth 15 dollars at the end of the day.

Despite all of this, we at the Sandmonkey blog are supporting the effort started by Egyptian politicians to ban the fake hymens, as long as they ban real hymens with them. We would like a consistent hymen-banning policy, goddamn it. Or we would also like to have the males’ anal virginity to be inspected on the wedding night, with the wedding canceled and the groom killed if it has been found that he has experienced the pleasures of having his Hershey highway ridden. We would find it so so interesting to see how many such male honor killings would take place until men start decrying the whole thing as barbaric. Wouldn’t you?