Internal Memo 21581-2012

Dear (Redacted),

 

Oh man, things went insane after you left your post a few days ago, but thankfully we got the situation under control, and we removed the old bag of bones and his henchman. I can’t believe he wanted to stay as minister of defense after the decades he spent in his post and the insane things he made us go through the past year and a half. I mean it’s bad enough that all the lower ranks couldn’t get promoted for all of these years because those two stayed in their posts, but to want to continue, after the damage your actions did to the army and its image? Tantawy had to go with his boy, and thankfully the rest of the group chose me as the next Minister of Defense and we made the deal with Morsy to appoint me, in exchange of giving him all the powers we had, to end this circus we have been living in for the past 18 months.

I mean can you imagine us continuing to go through what we went through the past year and a half? For all of those meetings, and media appearances, and the journalists, and the friends and family members who all want to be assured one way or another, to continue? Why? We didn’t sign up for this. All that we wanted in all of this is not to have our mode of operations messed with and to keep our business empire. That’s it. And we haven’t been doing that. The Army is one of the country’s largest and richest business empires and it is too integral to our economic interests to have it ran this way. We have veered off course with our revenue targets because of this whole ruling the revolution business, that I can’t fathom how much we lost when I review our balance sheets. Do you know how much we spent on buying gas for those whiney under-paying gas guzzlers the last year and a half alone so that they wouldn’t complain? Unless we forgot what we are doing here in the first place, we are here to make money and to keep our guns and prisons to mess with anyone who threatens that. Can you say that we have been doing this efficiently lately? I can honestly say that the environment at work lately has been as toxic and destructive as I have ever seen it.

And that supplementary constitutional declaration business; don’t even get me started at that. The country now has a president from the Muslim Brotherhood, which means they will get off our backs, and we have completely managed to defame all the political parties and annihilate all of those Tahrir creatures that wanted to review our books. Why would we continue this ruling business? We don’t want to be Turkey. We have seen how this film ends. It’s better not to be in the public eye when you are running the kind of racket we have been, especially that this close scrutiny is causing us great embarrassments. It’s bad enough that we had to excuse what happened at Maspiro by stating that our soldiers freaked out and ran over those copts, but Sinai? They were surprise attacked while eating? Those kinds of fiascos are bad for our image, and they might encourage people to start asking to review what we are doing here, and we can’t have that. I mean we have the occasional good apples, but those kids in recruitment today are not the caliber of yore. Plus, we don’t want to get involved in this securing Sinai business. That’s, as Mubarak used to say, “Israel’s problem”. Why would we want to assume responsibility for that? I will end up having one those incidents once a week. I think us stepping away from the spot light is for the best, and that we should focus on repairing the damage done to our image in the mean time. That’s why I earmarked 1 billion EGP from our budget for Sinai as this year’s CSR campaign. We are hearing good buzz about it already, and less on the news that we are not really hunting the rafah killers and that we are bombing sand dunes to make it look like we are fighting them. And honestly I expect our revenue projections to rise dramatically when we raise the prices of our products because of “inflation”, like we actually pay wages or taxes or anything. That’s what’s so great: Nobody is paying attention to us anymore, and everyone is focused on Morsy and “the Ikhwanization of the state”. Oh how I love journalists and political analysts. They really do believe anything we tell them.

Unfortunately we will have to sustain some damage for a while, with people continuing their tradition of making legends about us and believing them to be true. Like how we are getting infiltrated by the Brotherhood for example, which completely ignores that 75% of all armed forces men come from outside of Cairo and Alex, and many of them have some seriously conservative religious point of view. Or how they believe that we will be affected by them, completely ignoring that we are with whomever is in charge. We were socialists under Nasser, capitalists under Sadat and Mubarak and we have no problem becoming islamists under Morsy, just as long as he doesn’t actually think that we will fight in any wars any time soon. But I am expecting people to continue making theories about how “SCAF” is doing this or the “Deep State” is doing that, like there is an entity that actually plans and really works in Egypt. Like we don’t have Egyptians running this Institution. Oh well, let them entertain themselves. The best analysis I’ve heard lately was that us going back to the shadows is to have morsy be totally responsible for the sad state of this country; like, Idiot, isn’t that what you wanted in the first place? To end military rule? Why are you complaining? Freakin political analysts. They are the worst.

Either way, I hope all is well with you and your kids, and please don’t forget to call every now and then. And don’t worry about Tantawy and Anan, they are ok with this: they get to keep all of their money, and enjoy it, and not go to prison. It’s an excellent deal, really. Why would they be mad?

Oh, and before I forget: regarding that thing you asked me about, we did investigate your suspicions regarding Mohamed Abu Hamed, and you were right: he is an alien. From Mars, we think. We are checking it out. Will keep you informed.

Sincerely Yours,

Abdel-Fatah El-Sissi

Minister of Defense of Egypt

22 Comments on Internal Memo 21581-2012

  1. DANIELA mASTALLI
    August 28, 2012 at 8:27 am

    GREAT AND TRUE AS USUAL

    Reply
  2. mamado amano
    August 28, 2012 at 9:05 am

    Lovely :-)

    Reply
  3. @Esmat__
    August 28, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    1- Army’s economic empire:
    Where it is?
    Where are the merchandises produced within the Army factories in the markets?
    Have you seen any report stating the market share of it?
    Have you interviewed any official inside the Army, economic or PR specialist to know more about this over Steven Cook’s hypothesis or cyberdissidents manuscripts?

    2- Outside Cairo and Alexandria:
    This is needless racism and pointless arguments and I have read it around tweeps I know. How many Army men you ever knew? Are Cairo and Alexandria the cradle of liberalism and prosperity?

    I wonder how much your campaign spent per vote you obtained last October.

    Your performance in the parliamentary elections was a disgrace for you as a blogger, pseudo-politician or even as a man.

    Reply
    • Seldom80
      August 30, 2012 at 9:46 pm

      No, Sandmonkey knows it all! LOL

      Reply
  4. Minna
    August 29, 2012 at 6:46 am

    Esmat__, hasn’t anyone ever told you that when one goes so hyperbolically crazy angry, one only lends credence to one’s detractors?

    Reply
  5. Latifa
    August 29, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    is this meant to be informative or satirical. doesn’t really hit the spot on either!!!

    Reply
  6. Hamza
    August 30, 2012 at 11:29 am

    What really sticks out at me and never ceases to amaze is the feeling of self-importance and superiority which always seems to overcome residents of Cairo and to a lesser extent Alexandria who seem to regard anyone from outside as foreign and believe their viewpoint to be inferior to theirs regardless of what they have to say for themselves. Their self appointed name of “al-nokhba” seems to suggest that they are the worthy ones in Egypt and anyone else who happens to share this land with them comes 2nd.

    Note to Sandmonkey: I think it’s time you resigned from attempting to infer that you are able to predict Egypt’s political future as you have clearly shown yourself to be completely inept.

    Reply
    • Seldom80
      August 30, 2012 at 9:45 pm

      Note to Sandmonkey: I think it’s time you resigned from attempting to infer that you are able to predict Egypt’s political future as you have clearly shown yourself to be completely inept.

      Very-well said Hamza! And no, I don’t think Sandmonkey will take your advice (I tried and I failed). He loves living the dream of self-importance…

      Reply
  7. Publicola
    August 30, 2012 at 11:39 pm

    1 – A man with no enemies is a man with no character.
    (Paul Newman)

    2 – First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
    (Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi)

    Reply
    • Latifa
      August 31, 2012 at 9:17 am

      that is when you have something of real pardaigm shifting value to add not some half arsed hack journalism

      Reply
  8. bridgette
    September 13, 2012 at 3:20 am

    wtf, have you guys gone ape shit crazy?

    Reply
  9. Lynne
    September 13, 2012 at 5:35 am

    Is the issue with that stupid video? Is it just anti-US feelings? Whatever it is, I hope that things settle down and are more productive for everyone concerned.
    SM, I’d like to get your insight into these latest incidents.
    The world’s leaders are failing the rest of us completely.

    Reply
  10. Publicola
    September 14, 2012 at 6:07 am

    According to currently available information

    the allegedly anti-islamic film “Innocence of Muslims”
    – a film,
    completely unknown up to now (everywhere) in the ‘West’,
    a low(est) budget amateur production,
    produced in the USA by some amateur invididuals
    under a different title and with a different contents –

    was obviously promoted more or less exclusively
    - through brief clips in Arabic,
    the spoken parts completely new reformulated with contents and messages differing from the primarily produced version and differing from what the actors were told their role and the title and contents of the film was/would be,
    – via Arabic TV channels, in particolar via Arabic islamic-religious-orientated TV channels, vi
    – via Arabic talkshows,
    – via online-accessible Arabic video-clips

    Makes one think.

    Reply
    • Lynne
      September 14, 2012 at 10:28 pm

      Publicola, thank you so much for your kind response to my question. I hate the fact that those who produced this video felt it necessary to criticize and insult Islam. Whether or not this video had the power to cause all this violence, the production of the video and its distribution, which could only have been meant to cause trouble, is disturbing and reprehensible. It’s morally wrong. It’s stupid.
      It seems likely then from your information, that the video combined with a dislike of Western society in general, the US in particular, was enough to ignite this violence. Or, perhaps it was the video alone that caused the violence…
      If this video were the topic in Arab media and talk shows, it was getting more attention than it deserved—this rotten video produced by this vile man—and no wonder it caused so much trouble.
      Thanks again, Publicola!

      Reply
    • Sashi
      September 15, 2012 at 2:29 pm

      Exactly.. make one think, who is behind this “planned” soap opera?? what is the bigger plan (being executed) for the Middle East?? . Why the Saudis, Kuaities, Gulph states are not similarly reacting, aren’t the Muslims??. It doesn’t take much money to ask 10/20 young poor Egyptians, to ask them to loudly demonstrate, threw rocks at US embassy, just give them a headline and few bucks. The big planner is watching and waiting for the script to be executed as planned. Again make one think for a change.

      Reply
  11. Jack
    October 1, 2012 at 10:11 pm

    How’s that Arab Spring working out? They arrested you yet, SM?

    All this MB stuff must be the Joooos fault, I guess.

    Reply
  12. Semper Gumby
    October 12, 2012 at 12:27 am

    Unfortunately the world waits for no one — Not even the Sandmonkey.

    (good luck SM wherever you are.)

    BTW – The video looks like a democrat red herring.

    Reply
  13. abu faris
    November 5, 2012 at 4:21 am

    mohammed was a liar, a cocksucking peice of shit, all you theocratic fascists can suck my cock. islam is a fraud.

    Reply
  14. long time reader
    November 11, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    I have been reading the sand-monkey blog since 2006, I am not from Egypt.

    Just a question to sandmonkey:

    you always complained about Mubarak and the lack of democracy in Egypt.
    are you happier now? when the dust of the “revolution” settled down?

    is your new president better ? more humane? more democratic than Mubarak?

    thats all…

    Reply
  15. jack
    November 17, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Things are going to get very nasty with the recent events in that area!

    Elections have consequences … we are going to see those consequences soon.

    Reply
  16. Richard
    November 23, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    Looks like things are getting bad again over there. I hope you’re safe, Sandmonkey.

    Reply
  17. Don Cox
    November 25, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    Mass arrests and mass executions are coming, I think, as they did in Iran.

    Reply

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