Archive of ‘A.P.U.’ category

Historical Egyptian Ingenuity moments #1

Setting: The Barlif Wall, Sinai, Israeli Checkpoint # whatever

Date: 6th of October, 1973

Time: Around 2:15 PM

Narrator: An Israeli Officer , on his walkie talkie, to a fellow officer on the front. 

" Levi, Levi, check it out, the Egyptians are trying to attack us. Oh, no, I am not kidding. For real. They have troops on the waterfront and everything. Are those people crazy? Can't they see this entire line of defenses? Must be all the beans they are eating man. They are attacking a well-structured defense wall with soldiers sitting in bunkers aiming guns at them from an elevated position. Getting them  to back off will be like shooting fish in a barrel. Wait, what are they laying on the ground there? Is that a hose? Hehehe. They brought a hose instead of a canon. Whatchu gonna do with that hose lil GYOM? Get us wet? Wait..what are they…. Is this a water-pump? Are they actually going to try to…NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Oh my g-d. They are hosing our defense wall down. The fuckin wall is getting brought down. They are using fuckin water. I AM NOT KIDDING. Get the guns Levi. GET THE GUNS!!!!"

*And Scene* 

No more Whiskey at the Grand Hayatt

I got lots of e-mails on this last piece of news: A Saudi owner of an egyptian Hotel has decided ti impose his religious belief on his establishment and prevent the serving of Alcohol in his Hotel. Some people naturally applauded (moronic unappreciative of alcohol people) the very islamic decision and others freaked out and talked about how Saudi is flexing its financial muscles and spreading their brand of Islam in the region. The later group is a bunch of mornonic fuckwits who haven;t been paying attention this past 10 years: Spreading their image of Islam? Really? Anymore than they already have? 

Look around you, you fuckin Morons. They have exported it already.  They even had you believe that Niqabs and Hijab's are parts of Islamic faith, and that Qaradawy is a moderate. Let's not ignore their television sponsored activities on the different MBC's and their numerous other channels (censoring kisses, blurting out words, re-editing entire Music Videos on MTV Arabia), or the amount of piss their directly deposit into people's brains by the fantastic islamist channels such as Al Nas and Al Resalah. And please, while we are at it, let's also mention how on Rotana they have been trying for the past 5 years to make Khaliji music and dance hip and cool, and failing miserably at it, because whether they like it or not, they are not artistic people. They understand the formulaic ways in which you can make something liked by the mass population, but they don't actually get it. However, they did manage to create a market for it in Egypt, sure it's a market that requires you to have lived in one of their countries to enjoy their tribal drivel, but it's a market nonetheless. Anyway… back to the original problem.

Me, personally, I ffind no problem with what this guy did. It's his hotel. He paid for it. He could serve rotten pigs' blood as a drink for all I care. The people, at the end of the day, have the right to either go to him for service or not. It's his money at the end of the day, and if he ends up losing out because of it, hey, one less gulfie with money to waste. How is that possibly a bad thing?

Now, if you are concerned that this will lead to other Hotels refusing to serve alcohol, well, simply start drinking alcohol more. Go to Hotels and order many many bottles of Liquor. Demand that the government issue more liquor licenses and open bars in your neighborhoods and streets. Send a message: Alcohol is still popular here, so Saudis can suck it! Anything short of this is folly and a waste of time. Or you can also get totally drunk as a group and go burn the fucker down. That should send a message as well.

What Saad Al Harriri should've done

Today is the day Michael Sulliman gets appointed president of Lebanon, ending a tumultuous  year of political instability in Lebanon. We won't discuss here the compromise they've achieved, because I am sick and tired of watching M14 get their asses handed to them and then have them smile to the camera and claim that they are "not losing" and that "co-existence" has been achieved once again. Well, good for you Saad: They get to keep their weapons, the favorable arabic popular opinion and power over the country, while, you, well, you get to not have your downtown business disrupted. Ohhh….Great fuckin win. I mean sure, Having Aoun realizing that he won't ever be President is nice and all, but given how discredited he is, this is no trophy!

Now, if I was Saad, and I wanted the armed Shia faction of my population disarmed and without support, well, I would be facing two big problems:

1) Hezbollah has a ton of weapons, and I have almost zilch in terms of weapons or militia.

2) Hezbollah is championing the palestinian cause, and that's getting him support on the arab street.

So, what I would need is a way to get them to disarm, while eradicating their support in the arab street. Hmm.. now how would one do that?

Simple: Go to the palestinian militias inside the different camps, find the people leading the Fatah militia and make a deal with them: You will make sure they get more rights and work permits and abilities to improve their living conditions, and in exchange they would engage in a limited time armed conflict with Hezbollah, which you will also finance and support monetarily. You frame it all in terms of a greater war between sunnis and shhia, and you inform them that this is their chance to avenge their compatriots in Ghaza, by taking it out on the local Iranian-supported militia, the one that sides itself with Hamas in their goals (Hezbollah).

The Palestinians do have the numbers and the weapons, and they would probably do the fighting in exchange for some sweet deal that the M14 forces would give them. The confrontation between Fatah and Hezbollah would concentrate Hezbollah's resources and fighters on the various Lebanese refugee camps, and they will naturally spare no expense to win. Imagine the headlines as every lil supporter of Hezbollah because of Palestine turns the news to see the Hezbollah Shia killing the same Palestinians they claim to protect. Hezbollah's reputation gets instantly tarred, people-confused by what they are seeing- will start listening to people who will talk to them about the Zio-Iranian conspiracy and how the Shia are the thorn in Islam's side that needs to be removed in order for the religion to be whole again. The Entire arab world will turn on its Shia population in the areas that it could, and massive amount of aid and support will suddenly be bestowed on the M14 government, they who want to stop the Iranians from taking over arab land. It's a fantastic solution and given how stupid our population is, it can not fail. Sure, it's a completely immoral and unethical solution, has no respect for humanity, employs the dirtiest of propaganda sectarian tactics and will lead to the Sunni-Shia war and the eventual genocide of all the Shia in the arab peninsula, or vice versa, but hey, the situation would be resolved once and for all. How could that possibly be a bad thing?

It has come to that..

"The Syrian delegation hints that the plane of the Arab League's special delegation to Lebanon might not be allowed to land at Beirut's Airport, in case they indicted Hezbollah."

AlSharq Al Awsat newspaper, yesterday

But…

"Do you know  who is going in that special delegation? Somalia, Djibouti, and a bunch of other small and insignificant arab countries. None of the big boys are going- Not Saudi, Egypt, Jordan or Syria are going. Shit, I didn't even know that Djibouti was considered an arab country until today!" 

 A female journalist friend, yesterday

Phone Rape

A Tunisian family is suing a 30 year old man for "raping their 20 year old daughter through phone sex". It seems that while they were having phone sex, the girl kinda punctured her hymen. The argument is that the two of them had sexual relations, even through the phone, that led to the girl's loss of hymen. How that is rape, given that the girl did it to herself, I have no idea. But what do I know? But if it works and they convict the guy, await paternity suits for children conceived through cyber sex. 

AlArabiya is not biased, at all!!

If anyone ever doubts their Pro-Sunni Anti-Iran bias, this is the headline of their piece covering the Arab Summit:

"The Damascus Arab Summit is the only Arab summit in History not to start with the recitation of Koranic Verses" 

Translation:

"See..the people supported by Shia Iran are heathens who don't even recite the Koran!" 

and the sub headline:

"In his speech, President Assad ignored completely the occupation of UAE's islands by Iran"

No comment!

Trying to stop the signal

The information Ministers of 22 arab nations have finally got together and took decisive action against..freedom of speech, the broadcasted by satellite kind. They even formed a…CHARTER! OOooohhhhhhhhh:

Arab governments adopted on Tuesday a satellite broadcasting charter
which will entrench state control over broadcasts and curtail political
expression.

The document, which echoes the language found in press laws used by
some Arab countries to prosecute journalists critical of their
governments, was endorsed at a meeting of Arab information ministers in
Cairo.

Analysts say the charter is the Arab governments' response to the
relative freedom enjoyed by Arab satellite broadcasters, many of which
are privately financed and which encourage open political discussion of
sensitive matters.

"This is clearly an effort to try to stem (the) influence from
satellite television on a political level," said Lawrence Pintak,
director of the Center for Electronic Journalism at the American
University in Cairo.

And they are banning, I don't know, everything…

The charter bans broadcasting material seen as undermining "social
peace, national unity, public order and general propriety" –
accusations which Arab governments often throw at their opponents.

Broadcasters can not criticise religions or defame political, national and religious leaders, it says.

"Freedom (of expression) is to be exercised with awareness and
responsibility to protect the supreme interests of the Arab states and
the Arab nation," one clause says.

If a broadcaster violates the charter, the host government could suspend or revoke its broadcasting licence, it said.

But don't fret, there are some good news:

But the charter does make one gesture toward public opinion, saying
that Arabs have a right to watch international sporting events in which
their national teams are competing, regardless of who owns the
broadcast rights.

Because really, who needs political debate, transparency, or freedom of speech and expression as long as you have Football Games? 

I LOVE IT! 

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