Everytime I think I am out…

…Qhaddafi pulls me back in.

It's just not fair. I was on self-imposed exile, attemting to teach myself HTML, CSS and Photoshop design in order to redo this blog once and for all and not count on other people's empty promises again, and all I wanted was one more day free of blogging. Just one. but noooo… Can't have that.Not with Qhaddafi duck around.

So, apparently, my personal favorite middle-eastern leader was up to his old antics of ruining yet another Arab League meeting by acting crazy, by disrupting the opening session in order to insult the current Saudi King, calling him a "liar" (check), a "british product" (check) and an "american ally" (check checkity check). And yes, apprently in the world of the arab league, being called an american ally is an insult nowadays. Anyway..So the Emir of Qatar- always the savvy diplomat- switches the Mic of Qhaddafi off, because, as wel all know, when you do that, Qhaddafi shuts up? Ehh..no…her usually storms out. Only this time, he did it with style:

But when the emir of Qatar switched off his microphone, Col Gaddafi
insisted that he could not be denied the right to address the summit as
- he called himself – the dean of the Arab rulers, the king of kings of
Africa and the imam of Muslims.

Amazing. Well, he is the dean of arab rulers alright, having been in power longer than Mubarak himself, and that's saying something. But, as one of my friends countered, how could he call himself the King of Kings? Isn't the whole idea- or at elast, talking point- of the  libyan Jamaheria is that it's the people that rule? Is Qhaddafi, by doing this, acknowledging that he is the King of libya and that the idea that he is democratically elected to be a joke? 

Unfortunately for my friend, she is very very wrong, for brother Qhaddafi was appointed King of Kings of Africa by a bunch of african tribal kings, whom he surely paid handsomely for the honor. You see, he is the brotherly elader of Libya, but he is also the Tribal King of Kings. Two different titles. Two different jobs. Plus, it is generally not advisable to use logic when attempting to understand the working of the mind of the great Duck. You see, attempting to understand Qhaddafi logic is like attempting to understand God Logic: his ways are beyond our feeble and limited comprehension.

God bless you, brother Muammar. I definitely needed the laughs.

On Palestinian leadership

You know, it doesn't matter how many times I say it, there are still people out there defending the Palestinian leadership in both of its Hamas and Fatah incarnations. So, ehh, how about I let Nizo here do the talking:

However, the top spot in my maslakh list will always be reserved to our notoriously malicious and incompetent Palestinian leaderships. Not only would I like to take them to the maslakh,
but I would free the goats and invite them to Gaza and Ramallah where
they would replace them. Do not attempt to convince me otherwise, our
ungulate friends, if given the appropriate powers will actually make
better decisions.

This is fast becoming my credo, especially as
I examine our leaderships' inability to build any kind of functioning
pre-state, despite billions of dollars in aid money that has flowed
into our coffers since Oslo. I will also add that our Palestinian
voters who have elected these animals should also get an invitation to
the maslakh. Then I would
round up the millions of our arm-chair cheerleaders around the world
who continue to encourage "resistance" instead of holding us at least
partially accountable for the 60-year catastrophe that we have helped
perpetuate.

So Mr. Haniyeh, explain to me why that
cheeky Galloway deserves a Palestinian Passport, while my grandmother
who has lived in a refugee camp since 1948, and who clings to the key
to her old house can't get one?

I know the Zionist entity won't allow her into Gaza, but then what
about the refugees living in the camps of Jabalyah and Al-Shati? tell
me Mr. Haniyeh, why haven't you built homes for them in
Gaza's vacated Jewish settlements? Instead you continue to use the
"liberated" land to train the young and poison their minds.

In lieu of
undulating to "Shik Shak Shok", they wrap their waists in plastic
explosives and goose-step to the tunes of your fashistic songs, all
while you stroke yourself in excitement thinking of all the new Qassams
you'll be able to smuggle with the millions of dollars that will now
flow into Gaza after the bombardment you've helped bring upon their
heads.

But worry not ya Haniyeh, you and your hobbits aren't the only targets here. You were hardly imaginative with your gift to Galloway by the way:

Abu-Mazen
beat you to it, by bestowing Palestinian citizenship upon Daniel
Barenboim. Although I prefer the peace-loving pianist to the bombastic
Galloway, someone needs to remind Abu-Batata that his own people,
including my grandmother are more worthy recipients of such a
citizenship.

Again, I don't expect my grandmother's resettlement
just yet, give her something symbolic, a temporary passport but more
importantly an apology in the name of all the leaders before you who
stripped her of her humanity and used her as a pawn against other Arabs
and Israel.

In the meantime, what I do demand is a reformation of the PA, the removal of all the bahayem
who line their pockets with the aid money. Dollars we were very lucky
to receive in the first place. Wallah, African nations with more
pressing needs are starving while we sit back, multiply, beg for
handouts and get angry at the world when it doesn't go that extra step
and wipe our asses for us.

Speaking of asses, or goats, I will
continue to advocate for the removal of both leaderships and their
replacement with the latter, and while I don't expect to succeed, I
could at least convince some of our sheep-like cheerleaders, that
support for the Palestinians should come with a condition that we
reform and start treating our own people more like people, and less
like goats.

Amen!

George Galloway gets stoned in Egypt!

And no, not the good kind of stoned. The Jesus kind of stoned. But to further proof that there is no fair and just God, Galloway  himself wasn't hit with one stone. His people were, though..

A convoy led by the maverick MP George Galloway carrying supplies for Gaza has
been attacked in Egypt, apparently injuring several people travelling in his
party.

The convoy, carrying aid worth £1 million, was pelted with stones and
vandalised with anti-Hamas slogans after it stopped overnight in El-Arish, a
small town around 28 miles from the Rafah border crossing with Gaza.

[...] 

During a power cut – which is a frequent occurrence in the town – children had
pelted the convoy with stones, a security official said.

"It's an absolute disgrace,'' convoy organiser Yvonne Ridley told the AFP
news agency. "The power was cut. Under cover of darkness members of our
convoy were attacked with stones.

Hey man..they were just expressing their freedom of speech…like that shoe thrower guy..Chill out. 

AlBeshir is getting tried for War Crimes

The ICC issued the warrant for his arrest, and he is telling them to go fuck themselves. In other news, the egyptian lower house of parliament- the Shura council- has just issued a statement rejecting the indictment and saying that it doesn't apply to Sudan's President because he never signed the ICC agreement….since…you know.. he was too busy killing his own people.

Oh Lieberman

The Israeli general election is underway today. It's actually happening right now, and it features some of the most boring and bizzare political players in modern day Israel: You have the boring insecure Barack representing what's left of labor, The pompous inept Netenyahu trying to make Likus (not sure if this is a typo) big again, The Hillary Clinton of Kadima The only-reason-you-won't-vote-for-me-is-cause-of-my-vagina Tzipi Livni-who, to her credit, is the only half decent politician Kadima has right now, and last, but not least, the boy d'jour, the man of the hour, the Russian on a mission, Lieberman. There is also Hadash, which is cute young leftists jews and arabs hugging each other (which is nice, cause the people in their commercials are hot ) and the Green-leaf-Holocaust survivor party alliance, which is trying to use the Holocaust as justification to legalize weed. And to be honest, ladies and gentlemen, if I could convince my Israeli readers to vote for any party, it would be that one. Cause using the holocaust to justify the legalization of Marijuana is nothing short of awesome in my book. Plus, with those people in power, the peace-process is bound to get really really funny. But don't let such musings distract us from the person who everybody is freaking out about: LIEBERMAN.

There are serious causes for concern when it comes to Lieberman, especially with his new pledge of "no Loyalty, no citizenship", which was aimed at those disloyal pesky israeli arabs who won't serve in the military. And the thought of him being part of any Likud coalition government is actually making voters who hate Kadima vote for Kadima. Here is how neurotic the Lieberman fear has become:

This is where the visions start of Foreign Minister
Avigdor Lieberman banging his shoe a la Krushchev against the podium at
the United Nations, crying out for Israel to bomb the Aswan Dam. Or
there's Lieberman as Education Minister, teaching Israeli High School
Civics classes that loyalty tests as a requirement of citizenship are
essential to any functioning democracy. Sometimes I see Lieberman the
Justice Minister, trying to force through poll taxes and Hebrew- (and
Russian-) only literacy tests for the ballot boxes in future Israeli
elections. Or Housing Minister Lieberman, whose first act is to build a
moat around Umm al-Fahm. 

Interestingly though, Lieberman seems to be reveling in such controversy, and is not trying to make any real friends, anywhere. He is actually going for more enemies, so consistently, it's awesome. He started a fight out of nowhere with the ultra orthodox Zionist Shas party, saying that the "no loyalty, no citizenship" thing applies to you too, Hasidic boys (If I thought he cared about it, I would say he was doing it in order to fend off accusations of racism; be all like "see, I am a dick to jews as well"). And suddenly, ladies and gentlemen, you have a situation that's never bound to happen ever again: Shas and the Israeli Arabs, with a common enemy. Awesome. Some ultra Orthodox jews are even capitalizing on that, with the United Torah Judaism party distributing flyers saying "No to racism, Haradim for equality".

Some of the party's flyers label rival party
leader Avigdor Lieberman a racist, and state that "Arabs and haredim
fight racism – vote United Torah Judaism."  

[...]

United Torah Judaism's elections
headquarters said that "the party is trying to recruit as many votes as
possible. We appeal to the Arab voters who care about matters of
chastity and family honor."

Knesset Member Moshe Gafni added that "we
are against racism and for the Torah, and the Torah clearly says 'Do
not oppress an alien; you yourselves know how it feels to be aliens,
because you were aliens in Egypt,'" (Exodus 23:9)

Yes, calling Israeli arab voters aliens. That's reaching out. 

And now, even Shas is fighting back against Lieberman, accusing him of wanting to divide Jerusalem and give the arab neighborhoods to the arabs , open pork stores and allow gay marriage. In Shas' world, Lieberman is Dennis Kucinich. He is both a racist rightwinger and immoral pinko lefty, all at once. No wonder the guy has high appeal this election. But here is the funny idea: what if israeli arabs do meet the challenge of Lieberman, and do agree to join the Israeli military, thus proving their "Loyalty"? You know, cause it kinda happened before, in 1954?

On July 9, 1954 the State of Israel issued
an order for the army enlistment of "minority groups," which applied to
about 4,500 Palestinians. Back then too, there were those who hoped
that imposing an army service duty on the Arabs would prompt them to
quickly depart.

Yet then, the most terrible thing happened: About 90% of those
Palestinian youths quickly and joyfully reported to the army's
induction offices. They were willing, and even excited, to serve in the
army. This caused a great scare among top defense establishment
officials. "Oy vey," they said, while staring at each other with a
horrified look, "what shall we do now?" And the enlistment of Arabs,
which barely got underway, was annulled for generations to come.

And if this scenario happens again, down would go his ingenious plan. One wonders if he has a back-up one.

This is gonna be a fun day. I can't wait to see how it ends. 

It’s spelled I..O..R..wait a minite..

My pan-arabist friends on facebook are going gaga over a videoclip where The Turkish Prime Minister gave the walking dead Israeli President Perez a lecture and then walked off the stage at DAVOS. They are ecstatic that someone finally has vocalized the arab position.

Just so you are keeping track: The posterboy for pan-arabism this week is a turk, and the symbol of arab anger is a shoe thrown by a Persian.

Yay arabism!

A sculpture in honor of the Shoe-thrower

ehh, ahh,, yeah, that, it happened, don't wanna talk about it, don't wanna elaborate how the symbol for arab people's anger is now shoes. Don't want to even think about it.

Proof that muslims and Jews are cousins..

Because right after Our own Qorqor talked about Angelic fighters fighting on the side of muslims, Israeli Rabbis are talking about how Rachel (as in the biblical Rachel, people) has appeard to IDF soldiers and showed them where the terrorists are. One wonders howcome Rachel did not tell them where Gilad Shalit is, but I am guessing she is just into it for the killing of arab terrorists. Saving captive jewish soldiers? Mehh.. She is too busy for that. Too many arabs, so little time, or something!

I love the middle east. Anyone else hates the fact that he wasn't born in Switzerland?

On fighting Angels

How do you know that Kefaya is over?

When the overhwelmingly secular movement's new Deputy Director Magdy Qorqor publishes an article talking about his total belief that the same Angels (yes, actual angels. with wings and everything) who were fighting alongside the Prophet Mohamed in the Battle of Badr were also fighting alongside Hamas in Ghaza. Yes, let that sink in for a moment. Angelic warfare. Angelic warriors dispatched from heaven to kick zionist ass. Oh yeah!

Now, if one does take such a statement seriously (and lord knows some DO), one has to wonder what kind of sissy-ass angelic warriors were those whose assistance made the casualty ratio literally 1:100 Israeli to palestinians (13 israelis to 1300 pleastinians). But then you do a review on the Battle of Badr and the answer becomes clear: the same kind of sissy-ass angelic warriors whose assistance in warefare lead to the total death toll of 70 quraishi infidels. Amazingly effective death machines, those angelic warriors are. Like a Terminator, with wings.

Once, Kefaya had promise. Now it's nothing more than a farce.

Haaretz’s profile of Omar Suleiman

I keep finding it very disturbing that I find out information on Egyptian internal politics and its players through the Israeli Media. Here is a profile Haaretz has on the head of the egyptian intelligence agency, Omar Suleiman. It's mostly accurate, except that what I know of the man is that he is incredibly secular. Maybe the displays of religiousity is for show, or my information is wrong. Either way, that piece has far more information on the man than the entire egyptian press published in the past 5 years combined.

Finally

The Ceasefire is here! Just in time for the Sharm AlSheikh summit and two days to spare before the Obama inaguration. Decisions/Recommendation/Bullshit will hopefully get made tomorrow, people will agree to them since the PA head now wants what Hamas wants, thus making meeting the Hamas demands a Fatah Victory, and thus giving both palestinian sides claim to the "victory": Hamas' claim being militaristic, and Fatah's political. And that will suit Israel just fine, because as history teaches us, Israel doesn't mind the arabs claiming victory as long as it gets what it wants, which it probably will. Livni will look like the "Leader" who knows when to go to war and when to resort to diplomacy, and will have the next election in the bag, and Obama will have a very nice Ceasefire awaiting him the moment he steps into the Oval office, fullfilling the old prophecy that the chosen one will bring peace to the middle-east the moment he takes office. And this, of course, leaves us with the clear winner from all of this: Hosny Mubarak. His political victory is enormous on the global stage, because he 1) appeared to be the solid leader unswayed by public opinion or external pressure, 2) the cornerstone of stability in the region, who tirelessly looked for a political solution to the problem and 3) the man whose summit-not Qatar's, not Kuwait's- ended the conflict and had the most international leaders, and thus prominence and legitimacy. It's all so stupid that I want to puke.

See you all when negotiations break down again?

Chutzpa

After freezing (notice that word. freezing) their diplomatic relations with Israel, Qatar and Muritania, not to mention the rest of the Arab league summit members (who now include the arab nations of Iran, Turkey and the terrorist organization resistance movement called Hamas emirate of Ghaza), are demanding that Egypt cuts its diplomatic relations with Israel. They are freezing, not cutting, but are demanding that we cut, or else we are traitors. Chutzpa, defined!

Can we get out of the Arab League already? I vote we move it, with its building and diplomats to Doha, and get it over with. They can have all the summits they want (you gotta excuse them, there is really nothing to do there), and we can not go to any of them.

It’s still our border, right?

I woke up yesterday, and I saw the headlines in Qatari newspapers: The emergency arab league summit- the one Egypt didn't attend- has reached the decision that all border crossings, especially on Egypt's side, must be opened. Yes, that was one of their decisions: that a country, not present, has to open its borders.

And then, I read another fabolous news article, on how the US and Israel are penning a "joint-gareement" that will stop weapon-smuggeling from Sinai to Ghaza. I went online to look for the US borders in Sinai, found none, and became even more confused. I then scanned the article to find anything about Egypt being part of this agreement, or agreeing to this agreement, or even consulted on this agreement, and still, nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

So..ehh..just so I am clear: We have officially become the world's bitch, right? I mean, it sure seems this way, with everybody coming out with declartions and agreements and orders- that don't involve us- telling us what to do with our border (which, for the record, has been our border for like thousands of years), right? Allright, fantastic. Was just making sure of it. Egypt = Everybody's Bitch!

Thanks world, sure is nice being part of you! 

A street named after Chavez in Lebanon

The mayor of the town that did that said and I quote:

"It's the least we can do for this great man who revived hope in our hearts and took revenge for us on the Zionist entity," Mohammed Wehbe said, saying the move was to "honor him and raise our spirits."

He took revenge by expelling the Israeli ambassador. That's all he did. And that's all it took for him to get a street named after him. You ever get the feeling that there are far too many gullible people in the region? Anyway, there is one notion in this article that I can slightly get behind:

"I would like to be able to give Chavez a Palestinian passport so he could become a Palestinian citizen. Then we would elect him and he would become our president," said Mahmoud Zwahreh, mayor of Al-Masar, a community near Bethlehem where 8,000 people live in poverty.

Can you imagine how entertaining the peace negotiations would become? Al Hugo Abu-Chavez for President!

We must be a bad influence on Israel

How else would you explain the "region's only democracy's"™ decision to ban arab parties from running in the next elections? I thought only we did that!

How do you know you are living in the Gulf#2

One car to rule them all: Toyota Land-fuckin-cruiser!

How do you know you live in the Gulf #1

Whenever rain falls, you will find people on the street waving the national flag in celebration. Not kidding!

On Facebook Status warfare

Beyond the Blame Egypt crowd and their cheerleaders, beyond the images of dead babies and the money being raised through them, beyond the stupidity of Israel's leaders statements on the winability of this War and those who believe them, the most recent, most annoying and most retarded by-product of the current Hamas-Israel conflict has to be the flurry of people who have donated their facebook status to whichever side of the conflict they thought is more righteous. If you don't know what I am talking about, or if you don't use facebook, well, dear friend, you are one lucky bastard, because you don't have to endure it.

You see, this is what's going on: On the Pro-Ghaza side, there are the "Donate your facebook status to count the dead people in Ghaza" people, which wouldn't be so annoying if it wasn't for how fast it gets updated.  I mean, Thank you for letting me know by the minute how many have died so far. I mean, what a way to reduce the casulaties from humans to numbers. Oh, 50 more died today you say? Must be Monday.

And then you have the Pro-Israel side, who are even sillier than their Ghaza counterparts. See, they know that they can;t really play the body count game, because the palestinians would win this handidly, and it would backfire in case anybody who cares enough to keep  track on the tally of death on both sides. So what did those geniuses do? They started a "donate your status to count the Qassam rockets fired on Israel" cause, as a way of "putting the war into perspective" by showing the number of "rockets" that get launched on Israel every day. Now if only those people whose public opinion is swayed via facebook statuses could understand the psychological implications of having rockets sent your way that most of the time don't kill anyone, support for Israel in this war would sky-rocket (no pun intended).

You know, the first week I came to the US as a dew-eyed 18 year old egyptian, I saw a flyer for a "Walk for Cancer". I asked my american friend what's that about. He told me that people would solicit donations from other people to sponser them in a "walk marathon" in order to raise funds for Cancer. And when I asked him what was the point of walking then, when you can just raise funds and send them to the bank account of the cause, he told me "It's a way for our people to feel as if they are doing something while really they are doing nothing. We americans like to do that. It makes us feel good about ourselves!"

I suspect something similar is afoot here. A form of masturbatory self-congratulating cyber activism that doesn't really cost you any time or effort. I mean, it doesn't even require you to update your facebook status yourself, because the whole thing is freakin automated anyway. So, what's the point exactly? Can someone let me know? And what's next? A facebook game? Something Like  the Vampire vs. Werewolves game, Hamas vs. Israel maybe? Oh, I can see it now: you start as a soldier/suicide bomber, and the point rate will be 1 kill for the palestinian side to 1000 for the Israeli side, and with every stage you go up you either get to throw a shoe at an egyptian embassy (if you are Hamas) or kick a few palestinians into Sinai (if you are Israeli), and whomever wins the game becomes the new elected leader of his people. Now how about that for art imitating Life? Very web 2.0 if you ask me. 

As for me, my facebook update will remain the way God intended it to be: a summurization of whatever latest inane thought I've had or stupid thing I've done or planning to do. And I intend to keep it that way until this war is over. Or maybe if you really think that this shit works, I could rent it to whatever side you represent. I have 570 people on my friends list, and I bet at least half of them are stupid enough to be swayed by Za Power of Za facebook status (ironically the exact amount who have donated their statuses. You figure if they believe in its power, they must be susceptible to it. No?), and my status-rent rate will be 50 dollars per head per day. If you interested, have your people call my people. We will be huge dahling. We can turn this whole thing around. ;)

Sigh… 

Shoe Activism watch

Since the arab world seems really keen on becoming Shoe people, I am going to start a Shoe Activism watch. The First item comes from the egyptian parliament. During a "debate" over who is the bigger agent to Israel/Iran, a MB MP raised his shoe against an NDP MP that's very far from him, but didn't throw it. Hmm, I see a problem, which begets a question: if a shoe gets held in the hand, but doesn't get thrown, does it count as a sign of arab protest? Anybody knows the rules here?

Ponder on that until you have something better to do with your time, will ya?

A prayer

Inspired by all that is happening, a reader of this blog, and let's call her "C", has sent me what she referrs to as her "Manifesto to the men of the middle east". I think of it as something along the lines of a prayer:

Men of the Middle East! I shall liberate you! I shall fight for you! One man at a time!

I will distribute respect-demanding yet liberated Egyptian women side by side with liberated yet self-respect lacking American women in yellow spray painted boxes from planes on to you.

Please, take them… let them boss you around, give you head, tell them you love them, and forget your bombs!

Make babies with them that are more gorgeous than any Israeli chick ever born so that these women will grow up and procreate a people, a generation, who will live in peace and harmony and prosperity forever!

Hmmm… Can I get an Amen?