…Qhaddafi pulls me back in.

It's just not fair. I was on self-imposed exile, attemting to teach myself HTML, CSS and Photoshop design in order to redo this blog once and for all and not count on other people's empty promises again, and all I wanted was one more day free of blogging. Just one. but noooo… Can't have that.Not with Qhaddafi duck around.

So, apparently, my personal favorite middle-eastern leader was up to his old antics of ruining yet another Arab League meeting by acting crazy, by disrupting the opening session in order to insult the current Saudi King, calling him a "liar" (check), a "british product" (check) and an "american ally" (check checkity check). And yes, apprently in the world of the arab league, being called an american ally is an insult nowadays. Anyway..So the Emir of Qatar- always the savvy diplomat- switches the Mic of Qhaddafi off, because, as wel all know, when you do that, Qhaddafi shuts up? Ehh..no…her usually storms out. Only this time, he did it with style:

But when the emir of Qatar switched off his microphone, Col Gaddafi
insisted that he could not be denied the right to address the summit as
- he called himself – the dean of the Arab rulers, the king of kings of
Africa and the imam of Muslims.

Amazing. Well, he is the dean of arab rulers alright, having been in power longer than Mubarak himself, and that's saying something. But, as one of my friends countered, how could he call himself the King of Kings? Isn't the whole idea- or at elast, talking point- of the  libyan Jamaheria is that it's the people that rule? Is Qhaddafi, by doing this, acknowledging that he is the King of libya and that the idea that he is democratically elected to be a joke? 

Unfortunately for my friend, she is very very wrong, for brother Qhaddafi was appointed King of Kings of Africa by a bunch of african tribal kings, whom he surely paid handsomely for the honor. You see, he is the brotherly elader of Libya, but he is also the Tribal King of Kings. Two different titles. Two different jobs. Plus, it is generally not advisable to use logic when attempting to understand the working of the mind of the great Duck. You see, attempting to understand Qhaddafi logic is like attempting to understand God Logic: his ways are beyond our feeble and limited comprehension.

God bless you, brother Muammar. I definitely needed the laughs.

You know, it doesn't matter how many times I say it, there are still people out there defending the Palestinian leadership in both of its Hamas and Fatah incarnations. So, ehh, how about I let Nizo here do the talking:

However, the top spot in my maslakh list will always be reserved to our notoriously malicious and incompetent Palestinian leaderships. Not only would I like to take them to the maslakh,
but I would free the goats and invite them to Gaza and Ramallah where
they would replace them. Do not attempt to convince me otherwise, our
ungulate friends, if given the appropriate powers will actually make
better decisions.

This is fast becoming my credo, especially as
I examine our leaderships' inability to build any kind of functioning
pre-state, despite billions of dollars in aid money that has flowed
into our coffers since Oslo. I will also add that our Palestinian
voters who have elected these animals should also get an invitation to
the maslakh. Then I would
round up the millions of our arm-chair cheerleaders around the world
who continue to encourage "resistance" instead of holding us at least
partially accountable for the 60-year catastrophe that we have helped
perpetuate.

So Mr. Haniyeh, explain to me why that
cheeky Galloway deserves a Palestinian Passport, while my grandmother
who has lived in a refugee camp since 1948, and who clings to the key
to her old house can't get one?

I know the Zionist entity won't allow her into Gaza, but then what
about the refugees living in the camps of Jabalyah and Al-Shati? tell
me Mr. Haniyeh, why haven't you built homes for them in
Gaza's vacated Jewish settlements? Instead you continue to use the
"liberated" land to train the young and poison their minds.

In lieu of
undulating to "Shik Shak Shok", they wrap their waists in plastic
explosives and goose-step to the tunes of your fashistic songs, all
while you stroke yourself in excitement thinking of all the new Qassams
you'll be able to smuggle with the millions of dollars that will now
flow into Gaza after the bombardment you've helped bring upon their
heads.

But worry not ya Haniyeh, you and your hobbits aren't the only targets here. You were hardly imaginative with your gift to Galloway by the way:

Abu-Mazen
beat you to it, by bestowing Palestinian citizenship upon Daniel
Barenboim. Although I prefer the peace-loving pianist to the bombastic
Galloway, someone needs to remind Abu-Batata that his own people,
including my grandmother are more worthy recipients of such a
citizenship.

Again, I don't expect my grandmother's resettlement
just yet, give her something symbolic, a temporary passport but more
importantly an apology in the name of all the leaders before you who
stripped her of her humanity and used her as a pawn against other Arabs
and Israel.

In the meantime, what I do demand is a reformation of the PA, the removal of all the bahayem
who line their pockets with the aid money. Dollars we were very lucky
to receive in the first place. Wallah, African nations with more
pressing needs are starving while we sit back, multiply, beg for
handouts and get angry at the world when it doesn't go that extra step
and wipe our asses for us.

Speaking of asses, or goats, I will
continue to advocate for the removal of both leaderships and their
replacement with the latter, and while I don't expect to succeed, I
could at least convince some of our sheep-like cheerleaders, that
support for the Palestinians should come with a condition that we
reform and start treating our own people more like people, and less
like goats.

Amen!

The ICC issued the warrant for his arrest, and he is telling them to go fuck themselves. In other news, the egyptian lower house of parliament- the Shura council- has just issued a statement rejecting the indictment and saying that it doesn't apply to Sudan's President because he never signed the ICC agreement….since…you know.. he was too busy killing his own people.

The Israeli general election is underway today. It's actually happening right now, and it features some of the most boring and bizzare political players in modern day Israel: You have the boring insecure Barack representing what's left of labor, The pompous inept Netenyahu trying to make Likus (not sure if this is a typo) big again, The Hillary Clinton of Kadima The only-reason-you-won't-vote-for-me-is-cause-of-my-vagina Tzipi Livni-who, to her credit, is the only half decent politician Kadima has right now, and last, but not least, the boy d'jour, the man of the hour, the Russian on a mission, Lieberman. There is also Hadash, which is cute young leftists jews and arabs hugging each other (which is nice, cause the people in their commercials are hot ) and the Green-leaf-Holocaust survivor party alliance, which is trying to use the Holocaust as justification to legalize weed. And to be honest, ladies and gentlemen, if I could convince my Israeli readers to vote for any party, it would be that one. Cause using the holocaust to justify the legalization of Marijuana is nothing short of awesome in my book. Plus, with those people in power, the peace-process is bound to get really really funny. But don't let such musings distract us from the person who everybody is freaking out about: LIEBERMAN.

There are serious causes for concern when it comes to Lieberman, especially with his new pledge of "no Loyalty, no citizenship", which was aimed at those disloyal pesky israeli arabs who won't serve in the military. And the thought of him being part of any Likud coalition government is actually making voters who hate Kadima vote for Kadima. Here is how neurotic the Lieberman fear has become:

This is where the visions start of Foreign Minister
Avigdor Lieberman banging his shoe a la Krushchev against the podium at
the United Nations, crying out for Israel to bomb the Aswan Dam. Or
there's Lieberman as Education Minister, teaching Israeli High School
Civics classes that loyalty tests as a requirement of citizenship are
essential to any functioning democracy. Sometimes I see Lieberman the
Justice Minister, trying to force through poll taxes and Hebrew- (and
Russian-) only literacy tests for the ballot boxes in future Israeli
elections. Or Housing Minister Lieberman, whose first act is to build a
moat around Umm al-Fahm. 

Interestingly though, Lieberman seems to be reveling in such controversy, and is not trying to make any real friends, anywhere. He is actually going for more enemies, so consistently, it's awesome. He started a fight out of nowhere with the ultra orthodox Zionist Shas party, saying that the "no loyalty, no citizenship" thing applies to you too, Hasidic boys (If I thought he cared about it, I would say he was doing it in order to fend off accusations of racism; be all like "see, I am a dick to jews as well"). And suddenly, ladies and gentlemen, you have a situation that's never bound to happen ever again: Shas and the Israeli Arabs, with a common enemy. Awesome. Some ultra Orthodox jews are even capitalizing on that, with the United Torah Judaism party distributing flyers saying "No to racism, Haradim for equality".

Some of the party's flyers label rival party
leader Avigdor Lieberman a racist, and state that "Arabs and haredim
fight racism – vote United Torah Judaism."  

[...]

United Torah Judaism's elections
headquarters said that "the party is trying to recruit as many votes as
possible. We appeal to the Arab voters who care about matters of
chastity and family honor."

Knesset Member Moshe Gafni added that "we
are against racism and for the Torah, and the Torah clearly says 'Do
not oppress an alien; you yourselves know how it feels to be aliens,
because you were aliens in Egypt,'" (Exodus 23:9)

Yes, calling Israeli arab voters aliens. That's reaching out. 

And now, even Shas is fighting back against Lieberman, accusing him of wanting to divide Jerusalem and give the arab neighborhoods to the arabs , open pork stores and allow gay marriage. In Shas' world, Lieberman is Dennis Kucinich. He is both a racist rightwinger and immoral pinko lefty, all at once. No wonder the guy has high appeal this election. But here is the funny idea: what if israeli arabs do meet the challenge of Lieberman, and do agree to join the Israeli military, thus proving their "Loyalty"? You know, cause it kinda happened before, in 1954?

On July 9, 1954 the State of Israel issued
an order for the army enlistment of "minority groups," which applied to
about 4,500 Palestinians. Back then too, there were those who hoped
that imposing an army service duty on the Arabs would prompt them to
quickly depart.

Yet then, the most terrible thing happened: About 90% of those
Palestinian youths quickly and joyfully reported to the army's
induction offices. They were willing, and even excited, to serve in the
army. This caused a great scare among top defense establishment
officials. "Oy vey," they said, while staring at each other with a
horrified look, "what shall we do now?" And the enlistment of Arabs,
which barely got underway, was annulled for generations to come.

And if this scenario happens again, down would go his ingenious plan. One wonders if he has a back-up one.

This is gonna be a fun day. I can't wait to see how it ends. 

My pan-arabist friends on facebook are going gaga over a videoclip where The Turkish Prime Minister gave the walking dead Israeli President Perez a lecture and then walked off the stage at DAVOS. They are ecstatic that someone finally has vocalized the arab position.

Just so you are keeping track: The posterboy for pan-arabism this week is a turk, and the symbol of arab anger is a shoe thrown by a Persian.

Yay arabism!

The Ceasefire is here! Just in time for the Sharm AlSheikh summit and two days to spare before the Obama inaguration. Decisions/Recommendation/Bullshit will hopefully get made tomorrow, people will agree to them since the PA head now wants what Hamas wants, thus making meeting the Hamas demands a Fatah Victory, and thus giving both palestinian sides claim to the "victory": Hamas' claim being militaristic, and Fatah's political. And that will suit Israel just fine, because as history teaches us, Israel doesn't mind the arabs claiming victory as long as it gets what it wants, which it probably will. Livni will look like the "Leader" who knows when to go to war and when to resort to diplomacy, and will have the next election in the bag, and Obama will have a very nice Ceasefire awaiting him the moment he steps into the Oval office, fullfilling the old prophecy that the chosen one will bring peace to the middle-east the moment he takes office. And this, of course, leaves us with the clear winner from all of this: Hosny Mubarak. His political victory is enormous on the global stage, because he 1) appeared to be the solid leader unswayed by public opinion or external pressure, 2) the cornerstone of stability in the region, who tirelessly looked for a political solution to the problem and 3) the man whose summit-not Qatar's, not Kuwait's- ended the conflict and had the most international leaders, and thus prominence and legitimacy. It's all so stupid that I want to puke.

See you all when negotiations break down again?

After freezing (notice that word. freezing) their diplomatic relations with Israel, Qatar and Muritania, not to mention the rest of the Arab league summit members (who now include the arab nations of Iran, Turkey and the terrorist organization resistance movement called Hamas emirate of Ghaza), are demanding that Egypt cuts its diplomatic relations with Israel. They are freezing, not cutting, but are demanding that we cut, or else we are traitors. Chutzpa, defined!

Can we get out of the Arab League already? I vote we move it, with its building and diplomats to Doha, and get it over with. They can have all the summits they want (you gotta excuse them, there is really nothing to do there), and we can not go to any of them.

I woke up yesterday, and I saw the headlines in Qatari newspapers: The emergency arab league summit- the one Egypt didn't attend- has reached the decision that all border crossings, especially on Egypt's side, must be opened. Yes, that was one of their decisions: that a country, not present, has to open its borders.

And then, I read another fabolous news article, on how the US and Israel are penning a "joint-gareement" that will stop weapon-smuggeling from Sinai to Ghaza. I went online to look for the US borders in Sinai, found none, and became even more confused. I then scanned the article to find anything about Egypt being part of this agreement, or agreeing to this agreement, or even consulted on this agreement, and still, nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

So..ehh..just so I am clear: We have officially become the world's bitch, right? I mean, it sure seems this way, with everybody coming out with declartions and agreements and orders- that don't involve us- telling us what to do with our border (which, for the record, has been our border for like thousands of years), right? Allright, fantastic. Was just making sure of it. Egypt = Everybody's Bitch!

Thanks world, sure is nice being part of you! 

The mayor of the town that did that said and I quote:

"It's the least we can do for this great man who revived hope in our hearts and took revenge for us on the Zionist entity," Mohammed Wehbe said, saying the move was to "honor him and raise our spirits."

He took revenge by expelling the Israeli ambassador. That's all he did. And that's all it took for him to get a street named after him. You ever get the feeling that there are far too many gullible people in the region? Anyway, there is one notion in this article that I can slightly get behind:

"I would like to be able to give Chavez a Palestinian passport so he could become a Palestinian citizen. Then we would elect him and he would become our president," said Mahmoud Zwahreh, mayor of Al-Masar, a community near Bethlehem where 8,000 people live in poverty.

Can you imagine how entertaining the peace negotiations would become? Al Hugo Abu-Chavez for President!

How else would you explain the "region's only democracy's"™ decision to ban arab parties from running in the next elections? I thought only we did that!

One car to rule them all: Toyota Land-fuckin-cruiser!

Whenever rain falls, you will find people on the street waving the national flag in celebration. Not kidding!

Since the arab world seems really keen on becoming Shoe people, I am going to start a Shoe Activism watch. The First item comes from the egyptian parliament. During a "debate" over who is the bigger agent to Israel/Iran, a MB MP raised his shoe against an NDP MP that's very far from him, but didn't throw it. Hmm, I see a problem, which begets a question: if a shoe gets held in the hand, but doesn't get thrown, does it count as a sign of arab protest? Anybody knows the rules here?

Ponder on that until you have something better to do with your time, will ya?

Inspired by all that is happening, a reader of this blog, and let's call her "C", has sent me what she referrs to as her "Manifesto to the men of the middle east". I think of it as something along the lines of a prayer:

Men of the Middle East! I shall liberate you! I shall fight for you! One man at a time!

I will distribute respect-demanding yet liberated Egyptian women side by side with liberated yet self-respect lacking American women in yellow spray painted boxes from planes on to you.

Please, take them… let them boss you around, give you head, tell them you love them, and forget your bombs!

Make babies with them that are more gorgeous than any Israeli chick ever born so that these women will grow up and procreate a people, a generation, who will live in peace and harmony and prosperity forever!

Hmmm… Can I get an Amen?