A proper religious war

There are reports that Hosny Mubarak is very disturbed that Israeli tanks are right next to the "Karam Abu Salem" crossing in Ghaza, which is too close to the Egyptian Borders for his comfort. Now, imagine if a bunch of Israeli tanks do cross the egyptian borders, destorying the wall, and also allowing the Ghazans to escape all over Sinai. The Egyptian military would respond, starting a war against the jewish Israeli army and the Shia-funded Sunni Islamist militias of Hamas, on the day of the Coptic Christmass and Ashuraa- the shia religious festival. Holy shit that would be crazy awesome. War wouldn't get any more religious than this!

In case you missed this

Egypt, Israel and the PA,or as AlJazeera calls them, the "Tripartite Aggression", have agreed to a truce, even though none of them are fighting each other. Hamas who is actually the other party in the fight, did not agree to the Truce. Which means you have read two news stories that didn't tell you anything new. How awesome is journalism?

Fringe benefits of world economic downturn

Iran won't let Hezbollah attack Israel in defense of Ghaza like last time, even though this time it's much much worse. Why? Probably because they can't afford another war and rebuilding effort with the plummeting Gas Prices. Maybe that should be the new slogan for Peace? "Peace: cause fighting you is just too damn expensive!" 

Why don’t you get involved?

Many bloggers and arab propaganda news channels are asking the same question: "Why won't Egypt get involved in this war/ holocaust/humanatarian crisis?" Now, if you are sick of hearing this really annoying question ( I love how they ask you this as if you run the fuckin egyptian military or foreign policy), but you don't know how to respond to it, don't fret. As a public service, I have compiled a list of acceptable answers to be given to those obnoxious annoying self-righteous condescending people, you know, to ease their collective minds from this apparently very bothersome question. Here they are: 

"No problem, let me just get the "stop the middle-east conflict" remote control and I will… Oh, wait. Where did it go? Must've left it in my other Jacket!" 

"Cause we are tired of outshining everybody else when it comes to this issue. We want to give someone else a crack at this. Spread the credit around, you know?"

"Cause our Mamma told us that minding one's own business is the mark of a mature human being. You calling our Mamma a Liar?"

"Cause we are Evil. We really are. You wanna whine some more about it? You wanna start wailing as well? Maybe burn an egyptian flag or two while you are at it?"

"Hey man, just because you are hung like a Bull, doesn't mean you have to do porn!"

"Cause only someone really really really stupid would get between two crazy people having a knife-fight to the death. Don't you agree?"

That's all I have for now. No need to thank me. Your Peace of mind, and that look on their faces, is thanks enough!

Reason # 2870 why we must Blame Egypt

Because Iran won't send a single ship or platoon to fight Israel over Ghaza, for two reasons:1) Their defeat might shatter the long-held-but-never-proven illusion of Iranian military might and 2) What? Have Persians die for the sake of smelly arabs? Get real. Plus, getting the arabs to do the fighting for them is more their preferred mode of operations, anyway. Egyptians call themselves arab, and are on the border, so- logically- they should be the ones doing the fighting in lieu of their racist persians overlords, no? 

A Parable for our times

A Parrot and a Donkey are on a plane, sitting in coach. The Parrot buzzes the stewardess, and she comes over. She asks him: "Can I help you with something?", and he replies" Nahhh..I was just fucking around!" and starts laughing. The Donkey thinks that's hilarious and laughs with him.

After a while the Donkey feels like imitating the Parrot's prank, so he buzzes the stewardess. She comes over and asks him: "Can I help you with something?", and the Donkey replies "Nahh..I was just fucking around too!" and starts laughing, and gets joined by the Parrot.

The Stewardess, annoyed at those two imbeciles, goes to the Captain and tells him that she has a parrot and a donkey who keep buzzing her for the hell of it. The captain instructs her to throw them both out of the plane, which with the help of the rest of the in-flight crew, she succeeds in doing.

As they are plummeting towards earth, a terrified Donkey asks the Parrot: "Now what do we do?"

The Parrot calmly responds: "It's no big deal. Now we fly!"

The Donkey replies with frustration: "But I am a donkey, I can't fly!"

To which the Parrot deadpans: "So, if you can't fly, what the hell are you doing fucking around?"

Reason # 12 why we must blame Egypt!

Because the Gulf countries can not afford to pull another Oil embargo at the moment, while paying for russian hookers AND building another Penis-shaped skyscraper (You ever get the feeling that they are trying to compensate for something? But what could it be? What could it possibly be?). Russian hookers are expensive, man!

Reason # 5 Why we must blame Egypt!

Because the only people the Syrian military can kill are the lebanese or their own people, and since enither are part of this conflict, their hands are tied. Egypt doesn't suffer from such restrictions, thus can be blamed!

Egypt, the new Superpower!

Ahh, at last, the day of my dreams has finally arrived. The day that set my egyptian patriotic heart aflutter with joy. The day when Egypt- under the wise direction and leadership of our dear leader Hosny Mubarak- has finally ascended to its rightful place and joined the ranks of the World's Super Power club is here, and I am happier than Andrew Sullivan with a bag full of dicks. How do I know that we have reached that monumentous plateau amongst the world's elite? Well, ladies and gentlemen, the signs are all around us. We are getting blamed for all the world's ills, just the like the americans, russians and chinese, we are having our business interests portested against, just like the americans and the brits, we are having our Embassies attacked and our Flags burned, just like the americans and the Israelis, and now, today, I am happy to announce that we have cemented our membership in the super powers club by reaching the final landmark: The posters of our President depicted dead, with open calls for his assissantion, in Iran. 

Ohh yes. The Persian plague has decided that they can not tolerate Egypt's place as the leading regional power any longer, claiming that we are always outshining them and making them look fat, and have set their eyes on taking out the man responsible for our exemplery progress and power: El Presidente Mubarak. Today, in Iran, Forooz Rejaii, the secretary general of the organization titled "Rewarding The Martyrs of the World of Islam" has announced a bounty of one million dollars to whomever assassinates Hosny Mubarak for being just too cool and awesome for them to bear, and also for the whole closing the Rafah crossing thing. And if that is not proof enough for you, checking the picture below out of another protest that took place in Indonesia yesterday should be:

Our very own Mubarak mask. Right next to Olmert and Barak Obama's. HELL YEAH! That's how prominent we have become. We have masks of our leaders made and worn by smelly inhabitants of third world countries. Die from envy, jealous Bitches of the world. Egypt has arrived.

However, we need to be careful, because anyone can become a hated worldly Super Power once, and get its busniesses protested against, embassies stormed and flags burned. Just ask Denmark. They used to matter back in 2006, and now, nobody even rememebrs to hate them anymore. No, we can't be a One-Hate wonder. We can't allow that to happen to us, espeically after we waited so long for it. So, I propose that we start threathening the world to never open the Rafah crossing ever again, and start blackmailing them to do so, and see what we can get out of them for it. That crossing now is a startegic advantage, just the like hormuz crossing is to the jealous fat hairy Iranians, and we should totally capitalize on it to maintain our strategic importance. Let the Haters eat their hearts out.

The other Gaza syndrome

Why doesn't this surprise me?

A settler fires a rocket at a palestinian

This is soo stupid, it just made me laugh!

Historical Egyptian Ingenuity moments #1

Setting: The Barlif Wall, Sinai, Israeli Checkpoint # whatever

Date: 6th of October, 1973

Time: Around 2:15 PM

Narrator: An Israeli Officer , on his walkie talkie, to a fellow officer on the front. 

" Levi, Levi, check it out, the Egyptians are trying to attack us. Oh, no, I am not kidding. For real. They have troops on the waterfront and everything. Are those people crazy? Can't they see this entire line of defenses? Must be all the beans they are eating man. They are attacking a well-structured defense wall with soldiers sitting in bunkers aiming guns at them from an elevated position. Getting them  to back off will be like shooting fish in a barrel. Wait, what are they laying on the ground there? Is that a hose? Hehehe. They brought a hose instead of a canon. Whatchu gonna do with that hose lil GYOM? Get us wet? Wait..what are they…. Is this a water-pump? Are they actually going to try to…NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Oh my g-d. They are hosing our defense wall down. The fuckin wall is getting brought down. They are using fuckin water. I AM NOT KIDDING. Get the guns Levi. GET THE GUNS!!!!"

*And Scene* 

No more Whiskey at the Grand Hayatt

I got lots of e-mails on this last piece of news: A Saudi owner of an egyptian Hotel has decided ti impose his religious belief on his establishment and prevent the serving of Alcohol in his Hotel. Some people naturally applauded (moronic unappreciative of alcohol people) the very islamic decision and others freaked out and talked about how Saudi is flexing its financial muscles and spreading their brand of Islam in the region. The later group is a bunch of mornonic fuckwits who haven;t been paying attention this past 10 years: Spreading their image of Islam? Really? Anymore than they already have? 

Look around you, you fuckin Morons. They have exported it already.  They even had you believe that Niqabs and Hijab's are parts of Islamic faith, and that Qaradawy is a moderate. Let's not ignore their television sponsored activities on the different MBC's and their numerous other channels (censoring kisses, blurting out words, re-editing entire Music Videos on MTV Arabia), or the amount of piss their directly deposit into people's brains by the fantastic islamist channels such as Al Nas and Al Resalah. And please, while we are at it, let's also mention how on Rotana they have been trying for the past 5 years to make Khaliji music and dance hip and cool, and failing miserably at it, because whether they like it or not, they are not artistic people. They understand the formulaic ways in which you can make something liked by the mass population, but they don't actually get it. However, they did manage to create a market for it in Egypt, sure it's a market that requires you to have lived in one of their countries to enjoy their tribal drivel, but it's a market nonetheless. Anyway… back to the original problem.

Me, personally, I ffind no problem with what this guy did. It's his hotel. He paid for it. He could serve rotten pigs' blood as a drink for all I care. The people, at the end of the day, have the right to either go to him for service or not. It's his money at the end of the day, and if he ends up losing out because of it, hey, one less gulfie with money to waste. How is that possibly a bad thing?

Now, if you are concerned that this will lead to other Hotels refusing to serve alcohol, well, simply start drinking alcohol more. Go to Hotels and order many many bottles of Liquor. Demand that the government issue more liquor licenses and open bars in your neighborhoods and streets. Send a message: Alcohol is still popular here, so Saudis can suck it! Anything short of this is folly and a waste of time. Or you can also get totally drunk as a group and go burn the fucker down. That should send a message as well.

What Saad Al Harriri should’ve done

Today is the day Michael Sulliman gets appointed president of Lebanon, ending a tumultuous  year of political instability in Lebanon. We won't discuss here the compromise they've achieved, because I am sick and tired of watching M14 get their asses handed to them and then have them smile to the camera and claim that they are "not losing" and that "co-existence" has been achieved once again. Well, good for you Saad: They get to keep their weapons, the favorable arabic popular opinion and power over the country, while, you, well, you get to not have your downtown business disrupted. Ohhh….Great fuckin win. I mean sure, Having Aoun realizing that he won't ever be President is nice and all, but given how discredited he is, this is no trophy!

Now, if I was Saad, and I wanted the armed Shia faction of my population disarmed and without support, well, I would be facing two big problems:

1) Hezbollah has a ton of weapons, and I have almost zilch in terms of weapons or militia.

2) Hezbollah is championing the palestinian cause, and that's getting him support on the arab street.

So, what I would need is a way to get them to disarm, while eradicating their support in the arab street. Hmm.. now how would one do that?

Simple: Go to the palestinian militias inside the different camps, find the people leading the Fatah militia and make a deal with them: You will make sure they get more rights and work permits and abilities to improve their living conditions, and in exchange they would engage in a limited time armed conflict with Hezbollah, which you will also finance and support monetarily. You frame it all in terms of a greater war between sunnis and shhia, and you inform them that this is their chance to avenge their compatriots in Ghaza, by taking it out on the local Iranian-supported militia, the one that sides itself with Hamas in their goals (Hezbollah).

The Palestinians do have the numbers and the weapons, and they would probably do the fighting in exchange for some sweet deal that the M14 forces would give them. The confrontation between Fatah and Hezbollah would concentrate Hezbollah's resources and fighters on the various Lebanese refugee camps, and they will naturally spare no expense to win. Imagine the headlines as every lil supporter of Hezbollah because of Palestine turns the news to see the Hezbollah Shia killing the same Palestinians they claim to protect. Hezbollah's reputation gets instantly tarred, people-confused by what they are seeing- will start listening to people who will talk to them about the Zio-Iranian conspiracy and how the Shia are the thorn in Islam's side that needs to be removed in order for the religion to be whole again. The Entire arab world will turn on its Shia population in the areas that it could, and massive amount of aid and support will suddenly be bestowed on the M14 government, they who want to stop the Iranians from taking over arab land. It's a fantastic solution and given how stupid our population is, it can not fail. Sure, it's a completely immoral and unethical solution, has no respect for humanity, employs the dirtiest of propaganda sectarian tactics and will lead to the Sunni-Shia war and the eventual genocide of all the Shia in the arab peninsula, or vice versa, but hey, the situation would be resolved once and for all. How could that possibly be a bad thing?

It has come to that..

"The Syrian delegation hints that the plane of the Arab League's special delegation to Lebanon might not be allowed to land at Beirut's Airport, in case they indicted Hezbollah."

AlSharq Al Awsat newspaper, yesterday

But…

"Do you know  who is going in that special delegation? Somalia, Djibouti, and a bunch of other small and insignificant arab countries. None of the big boys are going- Not Saudi, Egypt, Jordan or Syria are going. Shit, I didn't even know that Djibouti was considered an arab country until today!" 

 A female journalist friend, yesterday

Phone Rape

A Tunisian family is suing a 30 year old man for "raping their 20 year old daughter through phone sex". It seems that while they were having phone sex, the girl kinda punctured her hymen. The argument is that the two of them had sexual relations, even through the phone, that led to the girl's loss of hymen. How that is rape, given that the girl did it to herself, I have no idea. But what do I know? But if it works and they convict the guy, await paternity suits for children conceived through cyber sex. 

AlArabiya is not biased, at all!!

If anyone ever doubts their Pro-Sunni Anti-Iran bias, this is the headline of their piece covering the Arab Summit:

"The Damascus Arab Summit is the only Arab summit in History not to start with the recitation of Koranic Verses" 

Translation:

"See..the people supported by Shia Iran are heathens who don't even recite the Koran!" 

and the sub headline:

"In his speech, President Assad ignored completely the occupation of UAE's islands by Iran"

No comment!

Please restrain from laughing

The Arab League is thinking about punishing members who do not follow its impotent resolutions. Yeah, that will work!

How the news sounds to me

This is brilliant!

Trying to stop the signal

The information Ministers of 22 arab nations have finally got together and took decisive action against..freedom of speech, the broadcasted by satellite kind. They even formed a…CHARTER! OOooohhhhhhhhh:

Arab governments adopted on Tuesday a satellite broadcasting charter
which will entrench state control over broadcasts and curtail political
expression.

The document, which echoes the language found in press laws used by
some Arab countries to prosecute journalists critical of their
governments, was endorsed at a meeting of Arab information ministers in
Cairo.

Analysts say the charter is the Arab governments' response to the
relative freedom enjoyed by Arab satellite broadcasters, many of which
are privately financed and which encourage open political discussion of
sensitive matters.

"This is clearly an effort to try to stem (the) influence from
satellite television on a political level," said Lawrence Pintak,
director of the Center for Electronic Journalism at the American
University in Cairo.

And they are banning, I don't know, everything…

The charter bans broadcasting material seen as undermining "social
peace, national unity, public order and general propriety" –
accusations which Arab governments often throw at their opponents.

Broadcasters can not criticise religions or defame political, national and religious leaders, it says.

"Freedom (of expression) is to be exercised with awareness and
responsibility to protect the supreme interests of the Arab states and
the Arab nation," one clause says.

If a broadcaster violates the charter, the host government could suspend or revoke its broadcasting licence, it said.

But don't fret, there are some good news:

But the charter does make one gesture toward public opinion, saying
that Arabs have a right to watch international sporting events in which
their national teams are competing, regardless of who owns the
broadcast rights.

Because really, who needs political debate, transparency, or freedom of speech and expression as long as you have Football Games? 

I LOVE IT!