Archive of ‘silly’ category

We had an earthquake yesterday

..and it woke me up at 6:30 am. It was 6 on the Rekhter scale, and it lasted like 5 seconds. Oh, and like no buildings fell down, no one died, no one even got injured, which pisses me off. If you are going to wake me up one hour early with an earthquake, please have the decency to at least make something in my house fall and break. What kind of a sissy earthquake is that anyway?

Hmmpph….. 

On Lebanese men

I was toying with the idea of writing a silly post on the different types of girls out there to date, kind of like "The Sandmonkey's guide to women of the region", only it wouldn't just be the region, it would involve different religious and political backgrounds, and a lot of generalizations and feeble attempts of humor. I had a problem writing the entry on Lebanese girls, because the only lebanese girls I've dated were Maronites, so I asked my lebanese Sunni friend Fatma if there are any distinguishing features or traits to Shia or Druze girls. She told me that she can't help me with that, but if my question was regarding men, she would know exactly what to tell me, and then the chat disconnected due to internet troubles on her side. She, cool friend that she is,  decided to continue the conversation by sending me this following e-mail, which I thought was so hilarious that it had to be shared with y'all. So, there ya go:

I can tell you, if this may help, that maronite men with
beards (who smoke and/or play a musical instrument, and are french-educated,
most often at college protestant or lycee), are by far, the best kissers of Lebanon.
They like to discuss Palestine, the
French Revolution, law, and obscure poetry. They listen to African Tribal Music
while smoking pot (if they smoke pot). The problem usually is introduced when
Family becomes part of the picture. Of the three Maronite Mothers i have met, they
seemed inclined to dislike me, probably because of my first name. Or maybe
because i am stand-offish. I really don't know.

Coming in (a close second) are Shi'a men who usually have either Communist
leanings, and/or are members of the Hezb. I have always been very attracted to
radicals, as long as they are not willing to blow themselves up for
"the" cause (but are willing enough to discuss it over dinner). They
tend to have long relationships with banet min il day3a, but like to
occasionally cheat on them with secular, leftist girls, like myself. The
positive aspect of this is that it is always very hot. There is no discussion.
It is usually straight to the point because it is always given that Resistance
is Right and anything else is plain wrong.

Coming in a distant third are the Druze men, who tend to be communist or
socialist with little grasp of what either means (using Jumblatt – father and
son – as a reference point), on the one hand, or have a profound, intellectual
grasp of both but subscribe to neither, on the other. Dating entails Nescafe at
AUB's maingate for long conversations about life, its meaning, and how
"Faith" is more important than "Organized Religion". they
will occasionally take you up for trips up to the day3a, so you can understand
"what they're all about". and yes, it's all about spirit.

Because they are usually jabal boys, they always have a certain charm. Arak,
mette, tawleh, mezze, marcel khalife. They are family-oriented at heart. They
are dating you, possibly with the distant hope that they could leave the
sectarian-abyss that is their life (inflicted unfairly upon them by their
family and their inability to marry out of their "faith"), but they
know that in reality, whatever semblance of a relationship you have will later
be eclipsed by more important sectarian realities. Druze boys, those of them
who don't have guns in their cars, that is, are sweet. they are warm. they are
like a bar of chocalate. you know that whatever satisfaction you get out of it
is short-lived, at best. but you enjoy it no less.

Then there are the well-to-do Greek Orthodox. They know how
to court a girl and are less obvious about getting straight to It. They are
polite. They are well-kempt. and they are well-mannered. Sometimes they are
mama's boys. That's okay, though, because they tend to be intrigued with the
idea of dating the "Other". So it's always sushi, great DvDs, and
making out in very posh night clubs that require reservations and heels.

Coming in last are Sunnis. Confused. Radical yet pretend to be Progressive. or
Progressive yet tend to be Radical. Rich, but sex-obsessed and/or sex-deprived.
Like to discuss the Ottoman Empire (who cares?) and the War in Iraq . And like nice cars but have bad taste in music. Good kissers but
don't know what to do, most of the time.

My Theme Song…potentially

Born from an egg on a mountain top

The punkiest monkey that ever popped

He knew every magic trick under the sun

To tease the Gods

And everyone and have some fun

Monkey magic, Monkey magic

What a cocky saucy monkey this one is

All the Gods were angered

And they punished him

Until he was saved by a kindly priest

And that was the start

Of their pilgrimage west

Monkey magic, Monkey magic

With a little bit of monkey magic

There'll be fireworks tonight

With a little bit of monkey magic

Every thing will be all right

Born from an egg on a mountain top

The punkiest monkey that ever popped

He knew every magic trick under the sun

To tease the Gods

And everyone and have some fun

Godiego, Monkey Magic 

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