Ashley Judd is a square!

She is starting a campaign to stop the habit of hunting wolves from Helicopters. Take away all the fun, why don't you?

Those poor unemployed Gitmo interrogators

This piece is fictitious, of course, but funny nonetheless

I caught up with a few of these interrogation specialists at a bar just outside of Guantanamo and this was indeed the sentiment.  Terry (not his real name), an associate in the interrogation department, said he’s in complete shock and never saw it coming:  “When I joined right after 9/11 my recruiter told me that with the current political climate bein’ what it was, there would always be a market for a person with good water-boarding skills…now it’s just ‘See ya later, Terry. Maybe try starting a dog walking business.’ ”

Honestly, what do you put on your resume after spending a couple of years wokring as a Guantanamo Bay interrogator? And where do you apply for work? I am thinking HR might be a possibility, but the idea of dealing with waterboarding on a first interview is just unpleasant. I mean, it better be a really cool job. Like really really cool!

A proper religious war

There are reports that Hosny Mubarak is very disturbed that Israeli tanks are right next to the "Karam Abu Salem" crossing in Ghaza, which is too close to the Egyptian Borders for his comfort. Now, imagine if a bunch of Israeli tanks do cross the egyptian borders, destorying the wall, and also allowing the Ghazans to escape all over Sinai. The Egyptian military would respond, starting a war against the jewish Israeli army and the Shia-funded Sunni Islamist militias of Hamas, on the day of the Coptic Christmass and Ashuraa- the shia religious festival. Holy shit that would be crazy awesome. War wouldn't get any more religious than this!

So, about that metal Bikini…

So here I was, scrolling down on my homepage in my effort to take notes to the things I want to change (I am planning a re-design), when I stumbled upon that picture of Princess Leia in that Golden Bikini. Looking at that picture, I found myself wondering: So, why,exactly, was Leia dressed in a metal bikini in that scene? What exactly does it imply? I mean, if it was supposed to signify Leia's new slave status, then the metal neckbrace and chain would've been enough, right? Why would she have to be dressed in that outfit, unless she was more than just an oridinary slave? And then the horrifying possibility hits you: Was Leia Jabba's sex slave? Did he do..ehh..things to her? And then you remembered his tentacles, and images only fitting to be found in Japanese Hentai demon porn suddenly emerge in your mind, and EWWW…

So, I set out on a mission, to try to find any information on said scene and backstory. Yeah, 66,000 websites drooling over Leia in a metal Bikini, and not a single one of them contemplates the reason why she was forced to wear it, and what it meant she had to do during her time in captivity. There were some clues in a website dedicated to Leia's metal Bikini, aptly called www.Leiasmetalbikini.com, fully dedicated to everything related to the infamous Metal Bikini and women who like to wear it and pose it (Holy shit there are many, and they are hot, too). The clues were in the introduction page. One from the Paragraph of the novelization of the Return of the Jedi, which said:

   "(Jabba) tugged, with his swollen fingers, on the chain attached to Princess Leia's neck.  The more resistance he met with, the more he drooled – until he'd drawn the struggling, scantily-clad princess close to him once more."

Which brings up the question of- if Leia's slavery had no sexual connetation, why would our boy Jabba drool whenever he got to show his power over our Princess? And it seems that I am not the only one who thought their relationships was more than just slave and master, because (and here comes the second clue), the people who run the website also wrote this:

 After her daring rescue attempt to free Han Solo from Jabba's Palace, Leia was discovered and taken prisoner.  But instead of sending her to the dungeons, the debauched Hutt added the beautiful princess to his harem . 

Hmm.. Debauched..hmmm….Harem. Yep, as Yucky as that might be, I am lead to the conclusion that Leia, during her time of capitavity, was definitely used as Jabba's sexual playmate, who, in this case, is the first alien Life-form to exhibit interest in kinky BDSM sexual play with a human woman, and forces one to engage in such play with him. George Lucas, you depraved bastard you. Throwing that in a PG movie. Shame on you.

Come to think of it though, it does explain, not to mention justify, the utter brutality and complete lack of mercy that Leia exhibited in killing Jabba, and makes her using the metal chain he leashed her in to choke the life out of his bloated drool coverd body, well, kinda poetic. Good on Leia. Thumbs up.

Sock and Awe

For those of you who want to throw shoes at Bush, Go right ahead!

Can we move on now? 

Damn you Carrie Fisher!

There goes that golden Bikini Fantasy. Yep, totally shot to shit!

Now, about that sordid relationship she is having with Jabba the Hut..

Obama the Palestinian

The fears of the american right and the zionist movemnet have now been confirmed: A Palestinian tribe from AlGaleel has claimed that Obama is one of its decendents, and therefore Palestinian. I would like to take this opprutunity to encourage Obama to run in the upcoming palestinian elections as the alternative third candidate between Hamas and Fatah, and then, upon winning, resume negotiations with himself over how to adequetly resolve the mid-east peace crisis. Should be awesome. Kafka would be proud!

We had an earthquake yesterday

..and it woke me up at 6:30 am. It was 6 on the Rekhter scale, and it lasted like 5 seconds. Oh, and like no buildings fell down, no one died, no one even got injured, which pisses me off. If you are going to wake me up one hour early with an earthquake, please have the decency to at least make something in my house fall and break. What kind of a sissy earthquake is that anyway?

Hmmpph….. 

If you put a cat in a microwave…

..this is what happens!

Dr Phil’s thought chart

Just in case you ever wonderd what goes through his mind, go here!

Your quick mental health break

Mahdy Army Penguins!

Explaining the Bear Stearns Thing

The Onion, as always, is brilliant!

On Lebanese men

I was toying with the idea of writing a silly post on the different types of girls out there to date, kind of like "The Sandmonkey's guide to women of the region", only it wouldn't just be the region, it would involve different religious and political backgrounds, and a lot of generalizations and feeble attempts of humor. I had a problem writing the entry on Lebanese girls, because the only lebanese girls I've dated were Maronites, so I asked my lebanese Sunni friend Fatma if there are any distinguishing features or traits to Shia or Druze girls. She told me that she can't help me with that, but if my question was regarding men, she would know exactly what to tell me, and then the chat disconnected due to internet troubles on her side. She, cool friend that she is,  decided to continue the conversation by sending me this following e-mail, which I thought was so hilarious that it had to be shared with y'all. So, there ya go:

I can tell you, if this may help, that maronite men with
beards (who smoke and/or play a musical instrument, and are french-educated,
most often at college protestant or lycee), are by far, the best kissers of Lebanon.
They like to discuss Palestine, the
French Revolution, law, and obscure poetry. They listen to African Tribal Music
while smoking pot (if they smoke pot). The problem usually is introduced when
Family becomes part of the picture. Of the three Maronite Mothers i have met, they
seemed inclined to dislike me, probably because of my first name. Or maybe
because i am stand-offish. I really don't know.

Coming in (a close second) are Shi'a men who usually have either Communist
leanings, and/or are members of the Hezb. I have always been very attracted to
radicals, as long as they are not willing to blow themselves up for
"the" cause (but are willing enough to discuss it over dinner). They
tend to have long relationships with banet min il day3a, but like to
occasionally cheat on them with secular, leftist girls, like myself. The
positive aspect of this is that it is always very hot. There is no discussion.
It is usually straight to the point because it is always given that Resistance
is Right and anything else is plain wrong.

Coming in a distant third are the Druze men, who tend to be communist or
socialist with little grasp of what either means (using Jumblatt – father and
son – as a reference point), on the one hand, or have a profound, intellectual
grasp of both but subscribe to neither, on the other. Dating entails Nescafe at
AUB's maingate for long conversations about life, its meaning, and how
"Faith" is more important than "Organized Religion". they
will occasionally take you up for trips up to the day3a, so you can understand
"what they're all about". and yes, it's all about spirit.

Because they are usually jabal boys, they always have a certain charm. Arak,
mette, tawleh, mezze, marcel khalife. They are family-oriented at heart. They
are dating you, possibly with the distant hope that they could leave the
sectarian-abyss that is their life (inflicted unfairly upon them by their
family and their inability to marry out of their "faith"), but they
know that in reality, whatever semblance of a relationship you have will later
be eclipsed by more important sectarian realities. Druze boys, those of them
who don't have guns in their cars, that is, are sweet. they are warm. they are
like a bar of chocalate. you know that whatever satisfaction you get out of it
is short-lived, at best. but you enjoy it no less.

Then there are the well-to-do Greek Orthodox. They know how
to court a girl and are less obvious about getting straight to It. They are
polite. They are well-kempt. and they are well-mannered. Sometimes they are
mama's boys. That's okay, though, because they tend to be intrigued with the
idea of dating the "Other". So it's always sushi, great DvDs, and
making out in very posh night clubs that require reservations and heels.

Coming in last are Sunnis. Confused. Radical yet pretend to be Progressive. or
Progressive yet tend to be Radical. Rich, but sex-obsessed and/or sex-deprived.
Like to discuss the Ottoman Empire (who cares?) and the War in Iraq . And like nice cars but have bad taste in music. Good kissers but
don't know what to do, most of the time.

Obama Messiah Sign # 24

His face is on Toast!

Mickey Mouse is watching you

Be Afraid. Be very afraid! 

Orc Holocaust??

On the Genocidal leanings of Dungeon and Dragons!

My Theme Song…potentially

Born from an egg on a mountain top

The punkiest monkey that ever popped

He knew every magic trick under the sun

To tease the Gods

And everyone and have some fun

Monkey magic, Monkey magic

What a cocky saucy monkey this one is

All the Gods were angered

And they punished him

Until he was saved by a kindly priest

And that was the start

Of their pilgrimage west

Monkey magic, Monkey magic

With a little bit of monkey magic

There'll be fireworks tonight

With a little bit of monkey magic

Every thing will be all right

Born from an egg on a mountain top

The punkiest monkey that ever popped

He knew every magic trick under the sun

To tease the Gods

And everyone and have some fun

Godiego, Monkey Magic 

And The Sandmonkey endorses…

I know, I should stay out of this, but I can't help it. The race this time is just too stupid on both sides. There are no fun candidates. I was hoping for Rumsfeld to run (imagine the White house press interviews?), but the dude is staying at home. Same with Condi. A Condi/Hillary election would've given feminists ulcers and Black people headaches. But no, I can't get my dream candidates, and I have to settle for this reality. And boy does reality blow.

On the Left, we have Hillary, who is so mechanical and downright evil that I can't fathom how she has real supporters anywhere. There is Edwards, who looks good, and talks well, and like, that's about it. And then there is Obama, and there is nothing funny about Obama. No one can make fun of Obama.  You can call him Braka Hussein Osama all you want, but, like, nothing beyond that. He is kind of like Edwards, only still in the senate and Black. But he admitted to doing drugs when he was young, which gives him high marks in my book, and he is giving Hillary a real run for her money, which just makes me love him. The remaining dems, well, there is the UFO dude, and that Biden guy who wants everyone to know he is running, but no one knows why. It's all very stupid. 

But on the right, things are even worse. You have a Pro-abortion, womanizing Catholic from New York in an anti-abortion, family values Protestant party that just loves and lives in the South; You have a Mormon ex-governor of Massachusetts, who lives the family values shtick with his 74937902 children and grandchildren, but panders so much he is making Kerry look like a straight talker; You have a so-called isolationist Libertarian, who wants to abolish the IRS (yay) but abolish the CIA (boo), gets supported by Neo-Nazis and has the craziest online trolls the internet has seen, ever; You have an Actor who everyone wanted to run because he was on fuckin Law and Order (hate that show and all of its bastard children spin-offs), and yet who managed to convey half of the Charisma Al Gore had through out the Clinton Presidency; You have an Arizona Senator who America loves but his own party kinda despises because he is too much of a centrist for them, not to mention he is like 150 years old, so there probably won't be a second term, and who wants that?; And finally you have a Southern Preacher who thinks God wants him to win, which is weird, since God told me that he is staying out of this one, especially that the people didn't like his endorsement of Bush very much. It's all Fantastically crappy.

Now, since I am not american, let alone belong to either party, I am gonna endorse one from each side, and hope they end up running against each other, cause then either way my candidate wins. Because when you realize that the most important election in the world is taking place and you don't have a say and there is nothing you can do about this, you might as well take a step back and enjoy the show. Maybe even have your own Fun, just like I plan to. So, without further ado, I endorse:

    

Why McCain? Because he is an old nice guy who is Pro Military but knows how to play nice with the other party, which is what everyone keeps saying is "what America needs now". He won't fuck around on national security or Fiscal responsibility, and he is anti-Torture, which makes him very Ok in my book. Plus, if things go bad with him or he goes senile, he will be out in 4 years. No Harm done really!

Why Obama? Well, because I find him fascinating. He shouldn't be running now, and people shouldn't be supporting him due to experience/ achievement/ethnic background/drug-use reasons, but yet, here he is kicking Hillary and Bill's collective asses. He is changing the rules of the game, and it's making me not want this to end for him. I want to see what's gonna happen next. Nothing bad is sticking to that guy. Nothing. I want to find something that i dislike about him in person and I can't. It's been driving me nuts. So I am betting if he stays in the race long enough, someone will find something and I will let out a sigh of relief due to having my cynicism restored. Also, he has Obama Girl. What is there more to say?

So there it is people, my picks for 08. Like 'em or hate 'em, they make no difference really.

In other news, here is the most important issue this election. 

Our dumb world

Ignore Google Earth, the Onion is where it's at! Egypt and Canada are favorites!

StreetFighter: The Later Years

If you were a fan of the original game, and I was, you will love CollegeHumor's take on where the StreetFighter Characters are now, 10 years later. The Trailer is here . The Webisodes are here! It's freakin hilarious!