Archive of ‘silly’ category

24, reviewed

After watching 5 back to back episodes of 24, here are my thoughts:

1) The people who make this show can not tell arabs and indians apart!

2) Is it just me, or is Assad the coolest terrorist ever? He is like the arab Bauer! Give Assad his own show.

3) The villian, Fahad, should be named "Bin Diesel" from now on! (coined by Sarah K )

4) Nuclear explosions are not a problem, it seems. You can have one in your city and it's all good!

5) Bauer can still kill you and everybody you know, even if he was all broken and tortured in chinese prison for 20 months.

6) Stabbing Bauer doesn't stop him or weaken him, or even make him bleed for long. He has wolverine-like healing powers, and this shit just makes him angry. And you don't want Bauer angry. I mean, he killed a man in the first episodes by biting a chunk of his neck out. Wanna mess with that guy?

7) Kal Pen gets the worst terrorist ever portrayed on TV award. His reason for turning on his american friend? He can't pronounce his name right "It's AKKKKHHHHMEDDDDDDDDD"! Boooo!

8) The new Black President is way too eager to give terrorists what they want! He is a pussy. Me hates him. And his sister is annoying! Where is his wife btw? What? A single AND black President? Yeah, cause that's plausible!

9) Why do people always question Jack Bauer? Just do what he tells you to do. He is always right!

10) Keifer Sutherland has the coolest voice for the job. I want that voice. No one would ever mess with me with that voice!

Ohh, and is it just me, or is this show a little too torture friendly? 

All in all, I am not sure you could call this show racist against arabs or bigoted against muslims, because for every bad arab or muslim they show (Bin Diesel, AKHMED) they have a good one (the head of the IAA and Nadia). I think they do the whole PC dance very well, and sooner or later the main villians will stop being muslims and will become russian or chinese or both. Oh, and the CTU and the White House will have like 30 traitors each. That's what always happens. It's a 24 tradition! So don't fret over the muslim/arab thing, Bauer will be torturing chinese or russian ass in no time!

That is all. 

BAUUUUUUUUUUERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

The new season of 24 is supposed to be insane, and  according to some people superly racist against muslims and arabs, so as the Sandmonkey I have to investiagte this. Thanks to the tip from Memz, I am downloading episodes 1 through 5 from this website, and I will have seriously dumb & awesome entertainment for 5 straight continous houres. The terrorists supposidly have the atomic bomb, and they are trying to blow up LA, so I am rooting for them. Go terrorists!

Oh, who am I kidding? I love Jack Bauer. GO BAUER! 

While we are at it, the top 24 Jack Bauer facts! the top 100 Jack Bauer facts!

The sweet sound of silence

People who know me personally know that I have one of the wildest imaginations ever. I could, set off by the smallest thing, go off on wild tangents and entertain all sorts of possibilities and problems that don't actually exist. Yesterday I went off on such a similar tangent, set off by the idea of Oldies radio stations. I started thinking about how 20, 30 or 40 years down the line, my generation will have it's own oldies station, that's going to play "our classics". To give you a glimpse of that terrifying world, it's going to be one where The BodyGuard and Titanic are the romantic equivelant of Casablanca and A love Affair. Scary, huh?

But the world of cinema aside, I have to say that I was getting a huge smile thinking of the kind of stuff I will be playing on my car radio when I am 60. We will be 60's year olds headbnaging to Metallica or grooving to Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg while driving our cars. That's going to be insane. And we will have little grandkids who will be bitching about our oldfashioned and slow taste in Music, and I will be like " Shut your mouth boy. That's Sean Paul you are listening to. The first time I saw your grandma she was dancing to this song. She was out there, freakin her lil booty out to "Get Busy" when I thought to myself, 'that's the bi..woman I am gonna marry' and that's why you are here". And he will grumble and I will raise the volume in return. It will be great. I wasn't hating the diea of getting old all of a sudden.

And then I started listening to today's radio..and it ruined everything!

I don't know if you have been paying attention to the crap they play on Top 40 Radio lately, but I have, and I have to say I am not amused. It's some awful shit. It's so awful I am starting to worry about how upset I am going to get when one of those shitty ass songs finds its way to my oldies station 40 years from now. Then the thought started to depress me (Yes, I was getting depressed over the possibility that a song of the ones currently getting played might find itself on my oldies radio station 40 years from now. Which part of "I go off on tangents" don't you understand?). So I figured I better vent on this blog and mention the top 5 shittiest songs currently on radio, and hopefully somehow this will reach the artists and they will recognize the damage they are inflicting on all of us, grow a conscience and maybe kill themselves. It's a long shot, I know, but I have to try. This stuff is truly awful. And if you don't believe me, here they are, the 5 shittiest songs on the radio, and you can make up your own mind.

5) Gwen Stefani- Wind It Up!

Nevermind that the video shows that Gwen is no longer a casual drug abuser, this song actually ruins the tune from the Sound of Music. She actually sampled the tune from the Sound of Music and made this horrific excuse of a song which included her yodeling. Yodeling. I can forgive Gwen for selling out and becoming a pop princess and shit, but when you mess with the sound of music to make a song that has horrific beat and lyrics, well, you should just die.

4) Fergie-Fergalicious

As if the damage Fergie caused on our collective ears with her Black Eyed Pea's song " My humps", where she calls her humps "her lovely lady lumps", wasn't enough, the woman went ahead and made a solo album, with the songs all about her and how awesome she is. She even made a song that coined a word stating how cool she is: "Fergalicious"! Cause, you see, she is Fergie, and she is delicious apparently. And she calls her body vicious. Lady, the only thing vicious is your face. Have you looked at it lately? Better not get close to any heat source, otehrwise that plastic might melt. Jeez.

3) Pussycat Dolls- Buttons

Oh, now we are talking: Ldies and gentleman, let me introduce you to the new role models of female empowerment, the 5 high priestesses of the church of Skank: The Pussycat Dolls. Those lovely ladies are totally in touch with their inner-sluts and always "Think Hoe". God knows I would be their greatest fan if they just stayed in stripclubs where they belong. Now back to the song. Okay, actually, it really doesn't matter which PussycatDolls song you put on, cause they are all the same. They want you to know that they are sexy, and always have sex on their mind, cause, like, they are hot. This song, for example, is a 5 minute ode to a guy who won't unbotton their cloths, even though they are hot and ready for him to do so. This song confuses me, cause I see their videos and they never seem to have any problems with taking anything off. Maybe they are having problems figuring out buttons. Hmm…

2) Carrie Underwood- Before he cheats

We then come to this lil country-pop gem, brought to you by one of the winners of the monstrosity called American Idol: Carrie Underwood. This song tells the wholesome tale of a girl who find out that her man is cheating on her, so she totally destroys his car. Like totally destroys it. And she justifies it as a lesson for him to think about next time before he cheats on anyone. Cause, you know, if someone cheats on you, you have every right in the world to destroy thousands of dollars worth of their private property. Ehh, unless you are a man who finds out that his woman cheats on him, then you are not suppsoed to do anything but break up with her and get over it. Cause damaging her car, for example, would brand you as a PSYCHO, and that's not cool. Not when it comes to women though. You see, in this society, a woman acting psycho after finding out that her man cheated on her, including doing any kind of damage to things he owns, is perfectly acceptable and expected. Hell, it's one of women's new rights. And it's cool too. #1 hit on the charts cool. Get that, Mr. cheating bad man?

1) Akon-Smack that!

Finally, saving the worst for last. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you the lyrical masterpiece of Akon's latest hit " Smack that". Oh how I wish I was a fly on the wall the day he presented this song to his label as his new "hit single". To give you an idea of what I mean, let me write the chorus for you:

"Smack that…right on the floor

Smack that…give me some more

Smack that…till you get sore

Smack that…OH OH OH OH"

He actually wrote the "OH OH OH OH" as part of the lyrics. Picture that. The song wouldn't work without the "Oh oh oh oh". So, he wrote, "Oh Oh Oh Oh". And that's the chorus of this winter's hottest club song. Your daughter has this on her playlist. How do ya like that IPOD you gave her for Christmass now?

See what I am talking about? Are you finally getting the full picture of the horrowing future awaiting me while listening to the Oldies station? Now I am not gonna listen to that thing at all, fearing that one of this stinkbombs will find its way through and I will be forced to listen to …wait a minute. I can just listen to the hardrock oldies station. Yes, only Metallica, Guns'n'roses, Nirvana and Tool. And those songs will never play because they are all pop songs. Sweet. Problem solved. Phew…

But what if they played a song by Creed or Nickelback on there?

Oh crap…. 

Introducing: The Burqini

The Burqini, ladies and gentlemen!

 

Is it just me, or does this look like something out of Star Wars?

"Princess Fatma, from the Planet of the Muslims"

or something… 

Where was the Sandmonkey that week??

No one really knows why the sandmonkey dissappeared for that week or where he was. However, here are some of the most recurring rumors regarding his whereabouts:

*Spent his time hiding in the sewers after getting stalked by Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson. Cause the ladies love the Monkey. They really really do!

*Was caught trying to jump from the Eiffel tower while screaming: "Ouiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!"

*Hurt his back while trying to get in touch with his feminine side. They say with natural therapy and Yoga there is a chance he will be able to stick his head up his ass once more! Your Prayers are needed!

*Auditioned for the role of "the other arab guy" on Lost. Shows up to the casting call all dressed up as the Iron Sheikh. Gets banned from the ABC studio lot forever! 

*Wakes up from the Matrix. He is heralded as the One. Saves the world, gets with Trinity, settles down in a posh district in Zion and raises mini-ones!

*Had an epipheny and decided to form the International coaltion of Procrastinators, but still hasn't gotten around to it! 

*Friends and Family conducted an internvetion and sent him to rehab to combat his addiction to Sex, drugs, rock & roll and other american evils. No progress has been reported. Rumor has it he was released after convincing 3 nurses to "stop being so square" and "ride the fun wagon that is me". 

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